Are we selfish to move?

[deleted account] ( 2 moms have responded )

My husband & I have a 3 month old daughter. Husband and I both agreed back when we were dating that we wanted to move North because we dislike Texas, in particular the weather. So now we're married with a baby, his parents respect the fact that we want to move. I do not really care a lot for his family. In particular his mother, who is mentally ill, needs help and instead of getting help everyone babies her condition. I am not pandering to a grown woman who pouts until she gets her way & when she doesn't, tears down the hallway shrieking and locking herself in her bedroom. We are currently 4 hours from his family and I try my best to remain cordial. However, with my Dad it is a different story. My Dad (who is 53)has now thrown out the fact that he has a heart issue that is non-repairable, that he may not live much longer and that he wants our daughter around. At first glance it seems as though it would be logical for us to stay and let her bond with my dad. But, delve deeper into the fact that my Dad treats my husband like garbage. My Dad loves drama and conflict. He is always right, it goes his way or he's going to raise hell until he gets his way. The conversation about us moving resulted in my Dad threatening to take us to court for rights to our daughter. To me this is complete nonsense and uncalled for. And if the heart issue is that bad why is he still smoking and drinking?

My take on things is this; #1 My Dad is using his health as a tactic to guilt us into staying. We have heard 3 different versions of what is wrong w/his heart. #2 I lived 15 minutes from my Dad and saw him twice in 2 years. Why does having a baby suddenly make us a close family? #3 My Dad does not watch his mouth, has an arrogant tude and frankly, because I didn't "side" with him when he bullies my husband my Dad is now a jerk to me too. It feels horrible to write such negative about the only parent I've had but, it's true.

Am I being cold-hearted in feeling I still want to leave? Am I wrong for feeling bitter that I am expected to arrange and live my life around my Dad's health who does NOTHING to improve his supposed condition? In my head it seems it would be FAIR to our daughter to get her away from such dysfunctional people. Where we're wanting to move to my friends all have children under 3. We would have a health social life and my daughter would have friends to grow up around.

My Dad says I am running from things. Things meaning my husband's family. I have explained to my Dad that we had already decided we were moving North when we were DATING. He just rolled his eyes. It ticks me off that he expects me to explain my decisions to him and it ticks me off even more that I DO. Our parents interfere with every decision we make. They want to know how, when, what, where and why. I feel suffocated and yes, it would be LOVELY to be 10 hours away from all of this. BUT, that is not my #1 reason for moving, it's a perk! lol

Am I being cold-hearted/immature? Is it wrong to leave? Please be honest in responses. The hubs and I want to make the best decision for our daughter.

This conversation has been closed to further comments


View replies by

[deleted account]

Hi Sarah, thanks so much for your response! Well, we were considering Indiana as that is where I am originally from. Before meeting my husband I actually moved my self back up, my Dad consistently stayed on the phone guilting me into coming back because of health issues (other than the heart issue I've mentioned). And like an idiot, I caved and came back.

The fact that you brought up if they want to see us they'll put effort forth really opened my eyes. Husband's parents have never traveled to see her. Not even when she was in ICU. Never. Not once. But LOVE to remind us on the phone that WE haven't brought her to THEM in a month now. My thinking is that if we're even further away that will be even more of a reason to not visit too often. This last visit resulted in his Mother throwing a dining room chair, stomping through the house screaming and locking herself in her bedroom for 4 hours. The next day the dog slipped it's collar while she was holding on to her (a 100lb Saint Bernard), his mother then proceeded to shriek and scream like a maniac because she felt the dog wasn't listening. She then proceeds to stomp out onto their patio talking and screaming to herself. I told my husband had our daughter been old enough to understand what was going on we would be IN the car on the way HOME. NOW, in saying all of this she has not displayed this nuttiness before. I haven't seen her blow her top before but always had a feeling that she was just simmering and ready to blow. I think my husband and I would both be a lot happier away from all of this. And really you're right, we need to put ourselves first before we live our lives around our parents. But, it's just so much easier said than done.

Sarah - posted on 08/13/2014




Having moved with a child in the midst of parental health crises, no. You have to do what is best for your family -- by which I mean your spouse, your child and yourself. I understand that it's important for children to know their extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) but truly, I have found that if family really wants to see you, they will come to you or respect your travel limitations and welcome you to visit when you can. People make a huge deal out of a move until it happens, then when it does everyone just figures it out. Have you ever made a big move like this?

As far as selfish -- how can any person take care of someone else (a family) if you don't take care of your needs too? That advice came straight from my mother and she is right. Good luck. Don't move too far north. As a northern transplant-southerner - you may not like the culture too far north. It is very different.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms