As partner fears ex and being alienated from his kids, he doesn't stand up and say no

Joy - posted on 02/20/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




Do any of you have the situation that you feel that your partner cant stand up to his ex and say no? My partner & I had been together for 4 years (living together for 2) when we told the ex that we were buying a house 3 doors away from the one that we were renting, still in the next village. She went literally nuts and caused my partner to have a severe mental breakdown. The drive between the two houses is an 8-10 minute car ride. In their divorce agreement that they themselves wrote they had said that they'd live near each other until the kids went to high school (they're now 7 & 9). Admittedly their daughter had been struggling with the fact that we lived 4 miles away from their mum and school friends, rather than 4 yards away, but our feeling was that these were normal divorce feelings. However the mum ended up slamming the door in my face when I spoke up to her and told her that it was our decision as to where we lived, as long as we still lived close by and she went completely hysterical (to the kids, to the point that we were worried about their safety). Seeing as she wouldn't allow the kids to come to our house after that, because I was now considered to be dangerous and violent and wouldn't put the kids' needs first, in order to be able to see his kids, my partner moved away from me (we'd been living together for 2 years) and bought a house 200 yards from his ex, to make everyone else happy. Furthermore, even though I'd been in the kids lives by then for 3 years and the kids wanted to see me, the ex forbid any interaction between us (conversations, going to watch them getting swimming diplomas, watch school plays, joint birthday parties etc). My problem is that I feel extremely let down by my partner and hurt for him excluding me, by not being able to handle conflict. The kids were also disappointed because they were asking to see me but my partner was too worried about the potential conflict with the ex. How can this be in their best interests too, when I was in their lives for 3 years, since they were 2 & 4 and was in a parental role? To me all of these actions indicated that I wasn't as important as the ex and that by taking this stance, he was saying to the world that he wasn't making a commitment to me. Do I simply cut my losses and let him continue this unhealthy 'dance', or are there suggestions for how I'm looking at things and that I'm just jealous, or could have a healthier perspective on step-family life, seeing as I don't have children of my own?


Michelle - posted on 02/20/2015




They way I see it both your BF and his ex are at fault.
Unless it's written into the court orders that either parent can't live with someone that isn't a husband/wife then she can't dictate who he is around, who he lives with and if you see the children when he has them.
He is also at fault for not standing his ground and taking her to court when she got nasty.
Hopefully they do have court orders in place and not just an agreement between them. If not he should be going to court and making sure that everything is in writing. That way if she kicks up a stink again he can have her in contempt if she with holds the children.
I personally would be stepping way back until he has things sorted out. It's no point antagonizing her if they have to go to court.

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