biological father only

Frank - posted on 10/31/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )




My grandson is three already and my daughter and him live with me since he was born. She is a single mother. The father/sperm donor has been incarcerated since before my grandson was born so my daughter receives no child support at this time. This biological father/convict will be in prison for eight more years on several felonies.
How and when should we tell my grandson, to which I am his father figure , that his real father is in prison plus any or other details about him?
The father wants to be a part of my grandsons life but we feel differently about this decision. Thanks for any suggestions on this issue.


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/31/2014




As the others have pointed out, 1) STOP referring to this person as a sperm donor. Your daughter chose to have sexual intercourse, which resulted in pregnancy. She did NOT go to a clinic and get artificially inseminated. 2) Because she chose to be in a relationship with this person, and a child was the result, HE HAS RIGHTS to be a parent. Neither she nor you have the authority to determine differently. Be prepared to allow visitation, allow a possible custody split after he is released, and interact with the man for the next 15 or so years. 3) Your daughter needs to get on file the paternity report and requests for custody and support. Even if he is incarcerated, there can be arrangements made for support. 4) neither your daughter nor you have the right to disallow contact between this person and his biological child.

It stopped being about your daughter and yourself when this child was conceived. At that time, it became an issue about the child, and what is best for that child. He deserves to know BOTH of his biological parents, regardless of past decisions that may not have been the best. If the man is proven violent, or a danger, his visitations may be supervised, but he still has the right to be a parent to this child, just as much right as your daughter has.

I really have to laugh at these women. "oh, I realize that I actually had sex with that guy, but really I think he's scum, so I don't want MY baby around him"...Except that the kid isn't ANYONE'S property, and honestly, if the female already thinks the guy is scum, why is she banging him in the first place?

Ev - posted on 10/31/2014




I am certain that it hurts to have this situation though I have not been in this situation. But I must say a couple of things about the father of this baby: 1) He is not just a sperm donor--he is the father of this child. 2) Your daughter chose this man to be with and your grandson was one result of their relationship and now she has to deal with this man for the next 15 years of her son's life. 3) This man has every right to be involved to the point he can be in this child's life. Unless his convictions of his crimes means he has to have supervised visits or none at all depending on what he did, but once the baby turns 18, he can try to find his father and see about things for himself. 4) Your daughter should have had custody, child support, and visitation set up before this man found himself in dire straights. 5) You two may not like the idea of this man having anything to do with the young boy, but again, its not about you and your daughter but this child's chance to have some sort of relationship with his father.
I am not attacking you but just telling you the facts. There are a lot of women who post on here about not wanting the father to have any contact what so ever with the child or children and the fathers have not committed any crimes really. Some are claimed to be drug abusers, heavy drinkers or have some traits that the women just do not like and try to use to keep the father away without some proof behind these allegations.

As for telling the boy about his father, be honest. Just tell him what he needs to know for his age. If you wait till he is older than he is now, you can say that his father did some bad things that caused him to go to jail to pay for the crimes he committed. You would not have to yet tell the child what they are because its not usually something a young child needs to hear. But he does need to know. Because even though dad is in jail and is allowed to visit people, he could fight for visits while he is in prison with the child. I have a cousin who had this happen to her and she had to take her girls (now adults) to that prison that their father was in so many times a month for a few hours visit and I can tell you that she hated to have to do it but it was court ordered.

So do not think in terms of what you and your daughter want, think in terms of what is best for the child. if the man's crimes are such that he would never be able to see his son, then the judge will take that heavily into consideration. But you should consult a lawyer in your area that knows the laws there that does family law. They can tell you based on an interview the likelihood of what would be possible.

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