Blending Families...When is time to give up??

Leslie - posted on 06/24/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




Ladies, I have been dating my bf for 3.5 years. We have been living together for a year. His 15 yr old daughter hates me. She is sullen and snotty and determined not to smile around me and to let everyone know how unhappy my BEING makes her. I've had her tell me she doesn't like me, refuse to put on her seatbelt, she refuses to say please or thank you or even that she likes something I cook, sighs and talks about the good old days when her mom and dad were together. I'm exhausted. I have also been diagnosed with MS for 2 years and stress is horrible for my disease. How do you know when to give up? I love my bf but his kids are extremely "catered to" as he puts it. I'm just so damn confused.


Guest - posted on 06/24/2014




Only you, your bf, and your therapist or counselor can tell you that because every situation is different. The actions you are describing from the 15 year old are pretty typical for a child her again going through family blending, and they usually last from 1 to 5 years, so you may be coming up on the end of it, or you may still be heading toward the storm. A lot depends on how long her parents were divorced before her father's relationship with you got serious. If he got serious with you (or any other woman) less than a couple of years after he split with her mother, she will likely have a very difficult time adjusting to the new family dynamic. This is usually because the child blames the new girlfriend for not giving the parent enough time to sort through everything and go back to the mother. As adults, we know they would not get back together, but it is the way the teen sees it--a stomped out possibility--as long as you are with her dad, there is no possibility for him to get back with her mom, as long as he is single, that possibility still exists, and if the parents split sometime after the child was 2 or 3 years old, a professional mental health specialist needs to be consulted to help her adjust to her parents being apart, and again to help her adjust to the new dynamics when her parents find new partners.

If you are not seeing a therapist or counselor, you need to make an appointment as soon as possible, as a lot of damage can be done in a year of trying to work things out on your own. If you are, talk to that person about where she is in her adjustment phase and what steps you can take to help her better adjust. No one here will be able to tell you because you really need someone with an in depth understanding of your family dynamic and its components.

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