Bonus daughter

Yesenia - posted on 05/14/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hello, I have been in my bonus daughter's life for over 5 years. She's going to be 7 this year. My husband and I do not know another blended family, so I'm always looking for forums like this :). I'm looking for help because bonus daughter is very detached from us. She doesn't like DH or I hugging her or touching her arm or putting our hand around her arm/neck (sideways hug). She never gives us hugs; we have to ask her for one. And those are very emotionless or quick. It's been over 2 years that she has been staying to sleep every other husband would pick her up for a couple of hours, but now he got overnights and a day in the week. Hubby will be asking for more in a couple of months as soon as he knows what track letter she will be. Anyways, we thought it was her personality. We thought she was just a shy quiet girl, but we noticed with her mom she is loud and not shy. She lets her moms male friends hug her (not partner, but just friends). Some she doesnt even know, but in pictures she is with a huge smile. It really hurts that we have to beg her for a smile or a hug, yet with other people she is different. At first she used to cry (she didnt want to come over) and stopped. She would run to meet her dad, but now she is crying again and told us she doesn't want to come over anymore, she has a beautiful room in our home and she says she no longer wants anything. Her mom Does tell her things like "I was going to take you to Disneyland, but cant because you are leaving with your dad. Etc" we do not have a good relationship with BM, but honestly its because she hates us. I wanted to get along for the sake of stepdaughter. I don't know how to help the situation because I can see my husband hurt by being rejected all the time by his daughter. We have no other children (currently trying to conceive though :)) we have a god daughter that loves him tooo much. Lol she runs when she sees him. It seems as if she loved him more than his own daughter because she hugs him and if we were in the streets people usually think that is his daughter by the way she clings to him. Bd and I had an amazing relationship. She would hug me and her daddy much more when she was younger, but now its changing. She used to look up to me, but now she is very distant from us. It really hurts. Any advice. Sorry for the long paragraph. Thank you


Raye - posted on 05/15/2015




It sounds like maybe her mom is trying to turn her from you both. All you can do is show her love and try to be there for her. She may come to realize her mother is poisoning her relationship with her dad, but she may not realize it for a long, long time. Maybe you can sit down with the daughter and ask her why she seems distant, what she feels she's missing out on by being with her dad, what could you guys do to make her happier in your home. Don't start spoiling her to "win" her love. But maybe there's some small changes that would help the situation. maybe your husband could talk to the ex and tell her there's no competition for their daughter's love. The mother should not feel threatened or be negative about the girl spending time with her father.

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