Bonus Mom is going NUTS!

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2018 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married 2 years, together 3 1/2. My children are 13 & 11, my bonus kids are now 8 & 10. The bonus kids don't listen to or follow any rules at home with us, school, or at their mothers house. They are not respectful and could care less if they are grounded or electronics are taken away. Nothing seems to bother them. They are told repeatedly to not do something and yet they still do. The older two know better, sure they have their faults too but they know they don't want to have things taken from them or lose privileges. My husband gets stressed when we have his children a little over 50% of the time. My children are with us about 90% of the time. I don't spank them because he feels that they are "too old to need spanked" Yet they behave like they are much younger. Please HELP!

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Dusty_dustbunny - posted on 01/10/2018

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If they a physically violent, putting them in defence training restraining moves can help. Worked on my brother and his son. Prevents them from harming them selves and others. Let's them know there will always be some one bigger and stronger. When the calm down they may realize how bad their reactions were.

They are not bonus kids, they are your stepchildren. No one likes being treated as a second thought, least of all by a parent with a "New" family. So what are they reacting to? Why do you have them 50% of the time? What does their mom say and school? What about their friends parents? How did your husband break up with their mom? Do they interact with any other family members?

Spanking can work when they don't understand words and you want to teach them that will hurt every time you do ________. So yeah, to old for it. How ever spanking (follow legal guidline) can work when the are to old for it by shocking them. Spanking is not meant to hurt for more then a few mins, nor would it be useful as a common response. As some one who has been a kid, when you believe adults can't hurt you, you feel empowered. In this case the kids are showing dominance over you.

As you pointed out they have no respect for bounderies but what are their personal bounderies? How do they feel wronged? What do they think they deserve and why? How do they want others to treat them and do they have any goals?

They may not care about punishment from things they normally have and have grown tired of. So take them out, as son as one messes up for any reason take them all home even if it's a waste of money. Because it's not a waste, it's an investment in teaching them actions have consequences.

Also include one kid in some events, seperate them from their sibling pack mentality. Reward them with something small if they behave a bit better on their own. Increase the reward type as they improve, do not reward them every time so they do not expect or feel entitled to it.

Every family is different, every environment different. Keep a log of what they do, what, where, when, why and who. Turn it in to a counsler and it helps with any legal issues from extreme unfor seen stupidity.

If you are out of options, military school. Start with the oldest so the can tell scary stories about not being able to bully adults or kids. Having to be responsible at all times etc. If the younger ones don't shape up, their turn to go. They have summer camps and finace options. Better to go to a boot camp now then juvi later.

Also discipline growing up is a two way street, both adults and kids need to learn new coping methods. I wish you luck, you are awesome for reaching out, don't give up.

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Mary - posted on 01/12/2018

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How were the bonus kids during the 1.5 years when you were dating and not married? Any change in behavior from then to when you were married? Is their birth mother married or single?

Have you sought outside help? Counseling, psychiatry or other types of therapy? Does the school have any comments/opinions/advice for you?

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2018

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I didn't say you have hit them, I was advising against Carol's advice as she seems to think everything is fixed by spanking.
I really think a counselor/therapist would help. All of the adults need to be on the same page to help with the turmoil the children are feeling. At their age, they haven't learned the nest way to express how they are feeling and that's why they are acting out. They also have each other acting the same way so will back each other up.
Not knowing all the details around their parent's breakup or if it was a nasty one, it's hard to suggest why they are acting out.

Sarah - posted on 01/10/2018

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I haven’t put my hands on them, ever. I honestly just don’t know what will work. Taking things doesn’t matter and neither doesn’t grounding them. They will still to the exact opposite. I feel bad for my husband because he always says your kids are better behaved. Well they are older and they also had plenty of spankings when needed in the past.

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2018

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Since you are NOT their Mother I wouldn't be laying a finger on them. That could get you into big trouble.
I would suggest counseling for all of you. It's sometimes hard for kids to adapt to changes and they rebel by not following any of the rules.
It's also hard on children moving from one house to the other regularly. Would you like to move house each week or 2? That's what a counselor I saw with my children likened it to.
The comment that shows that the children are suffering is that they act the same at your house, school and their Mother's house. They are screaming for help and no one is giving it to them.

Carol - posted on 01/10/2018

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I’d spank simply as if they act as they do they need it as looks like it’s only thing gonna work

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