Boundaries with adult step daughter

Michelle - posted on 10/29/2015 ( no moms have responded yet )




Hi All, I'm new here and is looking for advice with my SD22. I have been in her life since she was 3 y/o. She was Pas'd out by her BM, due to bitterness when my now DH left BM(they never married). When we were able to see SD she was always hot/cold. I got pregnant with our first BK when SD was 7 and BM started letting her visit a little more and she would come over our house relaying message from her Bm (my mom don't like you, my mom said don't touch my hair, mom said I don't have to listen to you/y'all ( when DH wasn't working and home), etc... We never spoke a bad word of her BM but DH would tell her she had to abide by our rules at our house. Growing up, when she did get to come (whether it was my MIL asking for SD from her BM and calling us to pick her up or her BM decided she needed a break) she would be nice one minute and the next she was being rude. I didn't let it bothere much BC I knew where it was coming from but I would have my DH talk with her and he chose to do it in a different room. I always tried to make the best of her visits at first but then started getting a little resentful of her coming BC she spent most of her visits with me and I felt rejected and always uncertain of how to get along with her. When I tried too hard she actually called me fake (yes at 7 y/o) and when I tried to g I be her a little space then she would go home and tell her BM that I don't like her. My DH was a typical Disney dad BC when he did get her he didn't want to hurt her feeling by chastising her when needed. They have always (since I've known him) had a distant relationship.

Fast forward: we moved out of state when she was 12 y/o(we also had 2 other kids at this point). She was very angry at me but it was my DH idea (besides my dad and sister lived in the state we moved to) but my DH didn't tell her directly we were moving, she heard from my in laws and called me questioning me about why wasn't she informed. Over the years she has always been more comfortable calling/texting me than her dad and I'm okay with that, so is my DH. The problem is she loves me to my face and badmouths me behind my back. Her BM never co parented with DH and always disliked me from the day she found out about me. She validates and negative feelings SD have towards the both of us, especially me. It got to the point SD would have to pretend she despise me in her BM presence. At 15 my SD BM kicked her out and she moved with us (she always wanted to BC she thought our house was the fun house). The day she moved in, things started to go down hill. I heard her on the phone telling her sister how basically she hated everything about our house. She had to share a room with our DD, the she's bored, I act like I don't want her there and so on. I did not confront her about it and I was also pregnant with BK #3 and hormononal so my feelings were hurt. Her BM would call our house every other day and they would talk several time on those days. BM was always questioning her about things and I would here most of SD responses if she were in their room next to mine BC the walls were thin. On several occasions SD would be in the same room and I would hear her BM on the phone saying negative things about me. So one day I told my DH I was going to ease drop and I did and heard BM saying she would come to our house and smack me. I didn't hear it all but I decided to block BM number and my DH gave my SD days to call her BM (4 days a week) unless it was an emergency BC we felt she was interrupting our chance to bond with SD and feeding her too much negative energy. I will admit since I was a SAHM I spent more time enforcing the rules, chores, and talks with all the kids. I tried to have my DH enforce things more with SD BC he is her parent and he did for the most part but eventually started wanting me to with SD, I really think he just didn't want to be the bad guy and risk her wanting to go back home. My SD started becoming disrespectful towards me and telling her BM on me. I in turn started getting on her more (never hitting) and letting her know I was the adult in the home and she was going to respect me. We had a lot of days were we had good days or so I thought until I would hear her on the phone bashing me or my DD overhearing her and telling me. Needless to say her stay with us lasted 6 months before her BM came to take her back home.

I truly feel like SD never forgave me for having to be the disciplinary SP to her but she keeps in touch with me and for the most part respectse to this day.

So that's a little background. The reason for my post is my SD and DH have no relationship for the past year BC SD showed him her character and does not respect him. She has been raised to think he doesn't care about us and didn't provide for her (but he does and paid CS) and love our 4 BK's together more. She is hurt by their distant relationship and lashes out at him and he ignores her, tries to call her sometimes but he feels when he does call she rejects him. So Like I stated above for the past year he has stopped contact until she can show him some respect. We have visited home several time this year (SD lives with my in laws now) and they are cordial but awkward and SD just tries to avoid him at all cost. She still tries to keep in contact with me and the kids but mainly me. BM called me out of my name on fb a couple months ago when SD posted a pic and captioned she was coming here to visit. My OS16 saw it and commented that I wasn't a hoe and called her fatty. My SD deleted the whole post and called me crying stating she was sorry and I got onto my OS for disrespecting an adult regardless of why. I told SD she did not have to apologize for what her BM said and it was okay. I then emailed BM (this was years of me trying to be the bigger person buildup lol) and let loose on her and called her on how she was the originator of my DH/SD strained rel. And the reason SD feels like she don't belong in our family. She of course tried to deny it and I gave examples starting when my SD was 7 on thing she would come say, to the fact we barley got to see us. Even told her she created a monster and sent her to us when she couldn't handle her anymore but instigated disruption in our home and never asked to speak to me or DH when SD called her telling on us. The emails went back and forth but BM ended up half apologizing for the fb post. Since then BM has tried to be better but the damage with my SD is already done.

Now my SD is saying that I make her feel like she is not equal to my BK's and I have tried to explain that I love them all but I try not to overstep boundaries BC she have an active BM. I also told her I will always be here for her but I will not get into her business unless she invites me in. 2 weeks ago SD went on fb and blasted my DH about abandoning her and said a bunch of lies, then asked people why should he deserve the title dad. My DH doesn't have fb but I texted her the next morning asking why she aired her dirty, untrue laundry on fb instead of calling him and the text escalated to her telling me to stay out of her business. BUT she put it on Fb.. Her BM then called my DH telling him it wasn't my place to text SD. DH explained how she opened the doors for ANYONE to comment but I did it in private, she always talks to me about her daddy issues, and I've been apart of her life for 19 years. I'm not going to type the whole convo but it ended. So it's like SD wants me to act more involved (outside of the usual hi, how are you, work?school? Convos) but when I have in the past she gets mad, defensive and tells her mommy on me. I love her but I don't know how to give her what she wants without setting her and her BM off. I don't want to say those words but I'm lost on how to keep the balance of not over stepping and making her feel like she is equal to my kids. I can give them tough love but her, it always have came back to bite me in the you know what. Any advice is greatly appreciated! And sorry for the book, I wanted to provide a more detailed post 😃

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