Bugs me but it probably shouldn't....

Mattee - posted on 12/30/2009 ( 40 moms have responded )

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Every once in a while, it's very very seldom, but sometimes my husband looks at porn and it bothers me SO BAD! I guess more than anything it makes me ask the question "Well what's wrong with me?". Mostly hurtful I guess.... Might I also add I have NEVER once turned him down for sex nor would I now....

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Carol Anne - posted on 12/30/2009

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Nothing is wrong with you -- he loves you. Men like to look at other women. That is it. They don't want another relationship, or even have sex with someone else, they just like to look at different types of women. Try not to take it personal. Men can separate these things -- love & sex. We have a harder time of it, so we think they are the same as we are. Men are different. Try not to feel bad, he loves YOU!

Sherri - posted on 01/01/2010

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Sorry but I greatly disagree with a lot of the replies! If he is looking at porn he is disrespecting you! NOT every man does that! There are good men out there that respect their marriage vows and their wife not to be doing that. If there was something you did that he didn't like and it was causing a rife in your marriage wouldn't you stop doing it? He should stop looking at porn for you. Your instincts are right, its as good as cheating, your heart is trying to tell you that. Good luck and I hope all works out for you and your family.

Crystal - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.



So if a women watched porn with her husband then does that make her a pervert as well? 



 How is this post even helpfull to the women whom asked help? your just being rude and ignorant.



 

Kate CP - posted on 01/01/2010

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Well, this thread is now officially closed. People are flagging posts AGAIN that don't violate the posting guidelines. Will you people ever learn to frickin' read?! READ THE POSTING AND FLAGGING ETIQUETTE THREAD!!!! Stop flagging posts just because they don't agree with your point of view. GOD THIS IS ANNOYING!!!

Twila - posted on 01/01/2010

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okay so i asked my husband because who best to answer this than a man......his answer was" well it's just something to do and guys like boobs" it's not that they are looking for something because we aren't good enough or they wanna cheat it's just to men there are a few things that entertain them, boobs, trucks, hunting/fishing and sports.
I used to be the same way and it was hard for me to get to where I am in my opinions on it now, but just tell him how you feel and I'm sure his answer will be the same, " it's just something to do"

This conversation has been closed to further comments

40 Comments

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[deleted account]

When men look at porn they are trying to fill a void in their life...usually a void created by the lack of a true, committed relationship with Jesus Christ. You need to voice your concerns with your spouse and direct him to get an accountability partner who checks with him daily. Also go to www.covenanteyes.com and sign him up...that way every website he logs into will be recorded and his accountability partner will know if he's been on inappropriate websites. Referring him to a good Christian counselor or pastor would be a good step, as well. I will be praying for you both.

Krista - posted on 01/01/2010

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ROFLMAO -- "It's just something to do and guys like boobs".

Men...you've got to love them, right? So beautiful in their simplicity.

Krista - posted on 01/01/2010

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Food for thought: people who watch porn obviously aren't doing so because of the attractiveness of the people in the movies. Exhibit A: Ron Jeremy.

And Mattee, I think that's kind of hilarious that he was doing a "pre-emptive strike" so to speak, in order to last longer. But that's great that you guys were able to talk about it -- keeping open communication is KEY, otherwise it's way too easy to jump to all sorts of conclusions.

Lena - posted on 01/01/2010

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i think all men do it, even if we don't know about it, i dont think there is anything wrong with u.. my husband watches it sometimes too but its never effected our sex life or caused any major problems for us in our marriage although it does make me uncomfortable sometimes.. i may be weird but the movies dont bother me near as much as if he just had pics of random naked porn stars that makes me furious because like u i just think "whats wrong with me?"

[deleted account]

To be honest, your feelings of jealousy are perfectly justified, You know you are the person he chose to love, honor and obey, yet he is watching other women take their gear off, something that you believed that only you would shair with him, being married, If you believe it is immoral and it is causing you to feel badly, then be honest about it with him, you dont have to stoop your morals for him like alot of women do just to make them selves not feel left out, (for those of the women that actually enjoy watching it and do not concider this in your morals, this does not include you). But be prepaid for him to try to justify it, although a real loving man would understand you and want you to feel good about yourself. So talk about him getting rid of it from your house and remind him, he is a grown up now, he doesnt need pictures or DVDs to get his kicks when he has the real deal at home. Not all men are selfish, and not all men are disrespectful, so its unfortunate that some people believe this has to be common place for them, because it doesnt.

Chantel - posted on 01/01/2010

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My husband tells me that he looks at it now and then because he likes to get new ideas from watching it. And i read something somewhere stating that it is healthy for men to watch porn. Yeah it bothers me too but you know what..in the end i am the one who he is going to be with!

[deleted account]

Quoting Crystal:



Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.






So if a women watched porn with her husband then does that make her a pervert as well? 






 How is this post even helpfull to the women whom asked help? your just being rude and ignorant.






 





well said, tracy is unfortunately the kind of woman who woould prpbably get a divorce if she saw her husband look at another woman, lol, and the whold only lusting after the person u love, lust has nothing 2 do with love

[deleted account]

absolutely nothing wrong with looking at porn, my bloke does and i happily let him without any worry or upset, i have downloaded it 4 him and choose it 4 him 2 watch while i give him head sometimes, its just extra stimulation 4 him, its like him getting something different without going elsewhere, nothing is wrong with u, maybe try and get in2 it with him occasionally and c if it can b something u can share, then u shouldnt feel like there is something wrong with u, or ur sex life. on another note maybe he has a higher sex drive than u know and doesnt want to bug u 4 sex more often, so being unselfish in satisfying himself, there r many reasons 4 him looking at porn, and i doubt it has anything 2 do with how he feels about u or the relationship

Renae - posted on 01/01/2010

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I'm going to be completely honest with you here. Men are more visually stimulated than women, its a fact we are taught in psychology. As a result, men like to look. Men think about porn very differently than we do.

He is not watching the other women because you are not hot enough for him - he is watching people have sex - there is a difference. Men will watch people have sex even if the person they are watching is not very attractive.

I think it upsets us because we read a lot more into it than they do. Here is a suggestion, watch some with him in the bedroom, it might help you understand that to him its just sex and he finds it stimulating.

Another suggestion, sit him down, be completely honest about how it makes you feel. He will find your feelings a bit baffling because to him porn has nothing to do with his relationship with you. Then tell him you might feel better if you understood a bit better. Then get him to explain to you how he sees porn and how he feels about you.

I think in relationships some times we need to sit and explain to each other about our male and female differences. It helps you learn more about men in general, more about him and helps you feel like you can discuss the way you think and feel with each other. This is really an exercise in understanding how he thinks, get him to take you through his thought process on porn (it will be much simpler than you ever imagined!). Once you understand where he is coming from maybe it wont bother you so much.

PS if you ask him to stop 99% of men would just continue doing it in secret. I think it is better for these things to be out in the open than to forbid it and have him hide it.

[deleted account]

I had a friend who was super upset that her husband was looking at porn, until I told her about my other friend who caught her husband down loading tons of male gay porn. I told her to count her blessings at least her husband was straight! My husband doesn't know it, but when I come home I'll ask him something like "oh the baby must have napped from 2-6" he is shocked that I know. Well duh, I go into our computers history & it tells me the time and website of every place he has visited while I was gone. Yeah my husband looks at porn, but in the long run I'm just happy that it is pretty normal stuff. My friend who caught her husband looking at gay porn is now divorced for obvious reasons.

Jodi - posted on 12/31/2009

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Quoting Mattee:

I talked about it with him finally, and it's funny but I got a really cute answer ( yes it's possible in this situation). He was embarrassed that I knew about it and said "I thought it would make me last longer bacause I wanted to make love to you tonight"... ROTFLMAO! Gosh it was funny! I couldn't be mad after that.



That's awesome :)

Sharon - posted on 12/31/2009

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rotfl - yeah but this post was FUNNY!



I watch porn - its fun - make him watch girly porn with you.

Mattee - posted on 12/31/2009

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I talked about it with him finally, and it's funny but I got a really cute answer ( yes it's possible in this situation). He was embarrassed that I knew about it and said "I thought it would make me last longer bacause I wanted to make love to you tonight"... ROTFLMAO! Gosh it was funny! I couldn't be mad after that.

Kacy - posted on 12/30/2009

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I would express (in a non-judgemental way) how his actions make you feel. Communication is THE most important part of a marriage. Then, discuss with him things you could do together (which may or may not include watching adult material) Many men find women's intrest in porn sexy.(If you're not into other women, try couples type that are more romantic). Now would also be a great time to suggest something you might want to try, but haven't mentioned yet.
Furthermore, men are NOT driven to watch porn simply because they are men. Many men have no real intrest in porn, and many women do. So it's NOT a gender issue. (unless you count that women are often raised to repress their sexuality and natural curiosity where sex is concerned)
Good luck to you and your Honey

Danielle - posted on 12/30/2009

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I think it's just a guy thing. At least he's not hiding it from you right? And as long as he's not withholding sex from you than I wouldn't feel threatened by it. Who knows, maybe he's watching porn to help his own technique.

User - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.



Another unhelpful comment, from someone who is clearly narked with this post, maybe to real for comfort ??



I think you are a little niave to believe your parther never looks at porn / other woman. Maybe thats how you keep your relationship going. Good for you, the poor girl was only asking a question, not for her partner to be branded a pervert.



If you dont have a nice or helpful opinion then best not to post as its people like you who make so many other mothers angry with such nasty feedback.

Crystal - posted on 12/30/2009

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Try watching it with him and do what they do. it turns up your sex life..but make sure he knows that is not also going to be an everyday thing. but also let him know how you feel. if you don't tell him then how will he ever know?

Janet - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.


First I want to answer the question posted.  Never feel that your husband  is compairing you to pornagraphic images. He isn't.  After he looks at the porn I can assure you the next day he won't even remember the details of the image, and the reason...its because it meant nothing to him. If this issue bothers you, then you need to open the communication lines between you and your husband.  Discuss with him how it makes you feel, and his response will probably be something like he didn't know that it would make you feel this way.  If you wanted, you could rent a porn movie or look at a magazine with him.  Then you may be able to better understand why he wants to look at  them.  And yes, I have watched pornagraphic movies and looked at pornagraphic magazines with and without my husband.  And I must say that they have greatly improved our sex lives!   I would hate to be in a marraige where once a week,  we climbed into bed with the lights off, had missionary style sex for 15 minutes, then turned over onto our edge of the bed and went to sleep.



  A picture can speak a thousand words, but ...  a touch needs no words at all.



-Now in regards to this post:  Excuse me but I find this very ignorant.  First of all, my husband looks at porn, and he is in no way a "pervert".  Out of all the men I know, I would say that 98% of them look at porn, and not one of them would I try to classify as a "pervert", because they are not.



Maybe because you claim your husband does not look at porn, is the reason why you come across sounding ignorant.   When most men look at porn he does not "lust" after the woman in the photograph or image.  He does not look at an image then try and find this women to have a sexual experience with. The typical male, has a very high sex drive, men are very stimulated with images.  Men, even if in a completely satisfying sexual relationship will still masturbate ( sometimes daily), with or with out the aid of any form of porn.



I don't even know why you put this post up.  You in no way gave any helpful suggestions or information in regards to the question posted.  Instead you are putting down the person whom asked the question.  The general rule of thumb is if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say nothing at all.

Krista - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.


Wow, judgmental much? Sorry to break it to you, but it's actually very normal to enjoy looking at attractive naked people doing naughty things. It's not for everybody - some people find porn repulsive or boring. But enjoying it certainly does not make one a "pervert". Fantasizing about or "lusting after" attractive people is completely normal UNLESS the fantasizing turns into an obsession or otherwise interferes with the relationship. I would bet dollars to donuts that even your virtuous hubby has had fantasies about other women -- not that he'd ever tell you about it, if he knows how you'd react. 



Porn is often simply an extension of fantasizing. Someone might fantasize about threesomes, for example, but would never want to try it out in real life for fear of damaging their relationship. Porn allows these people a way to vicariously live out that fantasy.  Most men who watch porn aren't doing so because they're lusting after any one particular woman. It's because human beings are visual creatures -- and seeing other people have sex is a pretty common aphrodisiac. 



To the OP: if the porn-watching is only occasional, then I can pretty much guarantee that it has nothing to do with you. For most people, porn is like KFC -- you know it's greasy and a little sleazy, and you certainly wouldn't want it all the time, but once in a blue moon, you get a little craving for it, indulge, and are satisfied. 



But, if it does really bug you, then that's totally fair and I would definitely mention it. Perhaps you can compromise by having periodic dates where you watch movies together. They don't have to be porn -- there are plenty of very racy mainstream movies that would likely get both of your motors running, while not making you uncomfortable. And if the porn really does bug you, you have every right to ask him not to watch it anymore, and he should respect that. 



Oh, and just an interesting bit of trivia for those of you who think that porn is solely a male quirk: In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment web sites was female; during the same period, nearly 13 million American women were checking out porn online at least once a month. 

Shona - posted on 12/30/2009

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Well do you know what men think about when they watch porn? "why don't i look that good?" "why isnt every girl i know look like that?" "ive never had sex like that"....the more positive side is that they are thinking. "i wish my wife/gf/partner/etc would watch something like this with me then we could have fun ourselves." I had this trouble with my boyfriend. I confrunted him about it. We argued. He said he wished i could understand. so i said well ill try why dont we watch it together? and he said really? ive never thought to ask you to watch it with me. so we did and then we had mindblowing sex :D

Rosie - posted on 12/30/2009

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some people find it upsetting and that's not unnormal, some people (like me) watch it with my husband and without , so obviously i have no problem with it. for me i feel it is completely normal and has nothing to do with my sex life with my husband. which is great! your husband probably feels the same way, some people need to pleasure themselves sometimes, mostly men, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
now if he is doing it all the time, and refusing sex with you or other obsessive behaviors, than i would say it's time to worry, but if not, it is a completely normal thing to do.

Krit - posted on 12/30/2009

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Just because he looks at it doesn't mean he can't stop. There are a lot of things people want to do but it doesn't mean we should go out and steal, cheat, etc.... There has to be a desire to stop and some kind of agreement between the two of you that this isn't healthy for your relationship. Regardless of what anyone else says I don't think it's okay for him to continue. If you were doing something that hurt him would you be okay with continuing?

Temeka - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.


There is nothing perverted about looking at porn.  It boils down to evolution!  It is encoded into men's DNA to look at other women.  Sorry, Tracy, but your husband probably does look at other women!  They could be fully clothed walking through the store!  Of course he doesn't tell you about it!  I remember a story from my grandpa...he preferred Victoria's Secret catalogs because he liked to leave something up to the imagination!  ...and my grandparents had one of the strongest marriages and both devout Catholics.  He was not an immoral man or pervert!  My grandma just happened to be married to a MAN.  :-) HAHAHA!



Here's a small overview on Pornography use among adults...men and women.



http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/...

Jenny - posted on 12/30/2009

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Watch it with him!!! If you do not want to then ask him why he does it? Trust me hun It's NOT you, It's a man thing..... they are just weird , they are visual beast.

September - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Tracy:

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.


 




Just because you watch porn now and again does not mean you're a pervert nor does it mean you have no morals. However a man that spends all his time watching porn may be considered a pervert. 

Maggie - posted on 12/30/2009

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Men are visually stimulated - therefore looking at porn turns them on. It has nothing to do with you.

If you are really worried about it try stimulating him with some variety...get a wig, some new lingerie, something new and fun. Try watching a porn movie with him - and then acting it out.

[deleted account]

My husband doesnt. if he did i never would of dated or married him. i prefer not to have a pervert for a husband. i have a decent moral husband and am thankful for him every day! if you knew he looked at porn before you married him or got involved with him then thats on you, sorry to say. if it bothered you then you shouldnt have gotten involved with a man who lusts after other women. which by the way i think is wrong. if you truly love someone you only lust after them, just as it should be. good luck with this.

September - posted on 12/30/2009

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Be confident in yourself and that feeling will go away :) I don't think that men watch porn because us ladies are not good enough. It use to bother me but I'm over it! I'm confident enough in myself and I know that I fulfill my husband’s needs and really for me that's all that matters. Plus when he does watch it I'm watching it with him :) LOL

Tori - posted on 12/30/2009

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It bothers me when my SO looks at it too. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. Although he swears up & down that that is not the case, I think it is just in our nature to think something is wrong with us if they have to look at porn to pleasure themselves.

Firebird - posted on 12/30/2009

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I highly doubt it's because there's anything "wrong" with you. Men are pigs! Have you tried talking to your husband about how this makes you feel? It used to bother me too, but now I really just don't care. I think it's hilarious these days. My boyfriend is a slave to sexuality, he looks at porn very often. Are you camera shy? Maybe it could help you feel better if there were some pictures of you in his porn collection. ;) Seriously though, talk to him about it in a calm, mature manner.... you'd be surprised what a nice little talk can do. Good luck.

Carly - posted on 12/30/2009

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Oh and before I get bombarded Im not saying every male does.. Just the majority I have had relationships with. A large percentage of men in my life have and probably still do. :)

Tori - posted on 12/30/2009

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It bothers me when my SO looks at it too. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. Although he swears up & down that that is not the case, I think it is just in our nature to think something is wrong with us if they have to look at porn to pleasure themselves.

Carly - posted on 12/30/2009

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I think it's just something in the male gene! I don't know any female that sits in the house after all the housework is done & thinks to herself, "Oh I know, I'l download/watch porn!" It totally annoys me too. Some people would say, "well atleast they aint cheating on you" but still I can see where your coming from. Maybe female brains work differently because I seriously cannot understand the fasination with it & would much prefer a cuppa tea & a night infront of the tv! Hehe x

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