Daddy in prison?

Nicole - posted on 02/28/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )




My 2 sons father is in prison & my boys have had no contact with him in a long time. [even before he was locked up they didnt have contact with him] His parole date is in about a year and Im VERY worried about when he gets out. Hes already said that he wants to have a relationship with the boys and I'd rather he didnt. He was very abusive when we were together and my sons witnessed and were at times victims of the abuse. Has anyone else been through this? I wish I could just make him disappear and never have to worry again but I know I cant. Should I let him try to be in his sons lives? Or if not, what can I do to make sure he cant come near them??


Shannon - posted on 02/28/2010




It takes more than sperm to be a father. I agree about talking to a lawyer. I don't know legal stuff. But I do know a lot about human behavior. Chances are good his behaviors will not change. You are your childrens best advocate. Surround yourself with people who are healthy. A good place to start is church. Volunteer at schools. Reach out to others. Have playdates - get together with people. You will start to see that you can give your children a life they can feel safe and secure in. As for their dad. Be open with them. "Daddy made bad choices..." Or, "He has always loved you, he just hasn't learned how to express his love in a good way." That way you leave the door open for a relationship (if that is what you choose) but he needs to earn it. Your children are precious and important in this world. They do need a father figure - but they deserve someone who will not hurt them. Yourself as well.

Iridescent - posted on 02/28/2010




Speak with a lawyer or the probation officer he will have (if he will have one) upon release. We had this issue with both absent parents. Both claimed to want to be involved, neither ended up actually BEING involved. Since your sons were victims of abuse though, they have every right for you to file a restraining order on their behalf (and on your own) that should take care of this issue. The probation officer/lawyer would likely have other things to tell you as well (ex: whether he'll even have a legal right to see them due to their age, or other factors relating to his release).

Jackie - posted on 02/28/2010




If he is in prison for the abuse he inflicted on you and/or your children your battle will be much easier. You need to find out if he will be on parole or probation upon release as this will impact how much authority the court/probation & parole has in imposing restrictions on him at his release. Is there a Victim Witness Assistance Program in your community? They should be able to help you with understanding your rights upon his release. If a custody and access battle occurs in court I would recommend you ask the court to appoint the Office of the Children's Lawyer to represent the needs/wants of your sons. If he is granted visitation (which I unfortunately have to say is very likely) then demand supervised access at a centre that does this (The Ministry of the Attorney General funds some Supervised Access site and the court can order that access be done through these centres.) Call your local women's shelter - they are a wealth of information on local resources, legal information and can often help advocate for you with all the systems. If Children's Aid was involved let them know closer to the date of his release what is happening. If they have concerns about him having access to the children they can put an order forward also. Keep your sons connected with their counsellor as this person may also be able to write a letter to the courts outlining how contact with their dad may impact them. You definitley want to consult your lawyer as this moves forward. Best of luck.

Katharine - posted on 02/28/2010




First things first, go to your local court house and get a restraining order for you and your children. Since he was abusive before he went in I would def cut him off. Do not give in no matter what he says. Def introduce yourself to his PO when he gets out. You have to do what is best for your children. They are counting on you to protect them. The ONLY way I might CONSIDER letting someone like that see my children again is if they showed PROOF of going to anger management classes for at the very least 1 whole year. Sometimes mothers feel guilty for shutting the fathers out of their children’s lives because they don't want them to be w/o a father. But an abusive father is WORSE than no father at all. Good luck sweetie in whatever you decide.

Brandi - posted on 02/28/2010




Def. get a lawyer and i would file a protection from abuse with the police station. Have your lawyer start the process of revoking his parental rights. If that can't be done (for whatever reason) I would INSIST on SUPERVISED visitation ONLY and NO overnight stays at least for the beginning. Good luck.


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Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010




I think you can file for abandonment even though he is prison.

Its a lot underhand and definitely not polite but if he's abusive - I'd do it.

File for abandonment, file for an order of protection based on his history, ask what other things you can file for - the clerks know a lot, be sweet about it..

"My ex is due to get out of jail soon and he's promised to beat us up, I want to keep him from reaching us... do you know what other things I can file against him to keep him away?" A nice clerk will be helpful. If one isn't helpful - ask another on a different day. Take a little notebook with you so you can keep track of which clerk does what and you'll know who to approach later.

No I haven't been through this, thank god. If they won't allow you do any of that - move away.

Nicole - posted on 02/28/2010




My oldest will be 7 in a couple weeks and my other son is 5. The younger one doesnt remember his dad at all and the older one remembers all the bad things hes seen. My oldest has some emotional and behavioral issues do to all that hes been through and ive got him working w/counselors and he seems to be doing better and my fear is if his dad comes back into his life, all the counseling will have been a waste.

Christin - posted on 02/28/2010




I agree with Amy. Perhaps you can have supervised visitation set up through the court system. I believe it would be better to have a plan in place before he is released in order to protect your children and yourself. Perhaps you can have the supervised visit and then even have a third party be the one to take the children to their supervised visitation so that you can stay neutral and not have to be in contact with him yourself.

Good Luck and I will pray for you.

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