Daughter dosn't want family interaction.

Melissa - posted on 11/21/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hi I have a daughter that is just finishing her first freshman semester at college. She is a very good student and because of this we decided to pay for her to live on campus even though we live only 10 minutes away from her University. We have paid for everything regarding her schooling with the understanding that she would find a part time job to help offset costs. The problem is she has hardly looked for a job and has every excuse she can think of for why she is too busy. She has loved her independence and understandably does not like to be called by her younger siblings or her parents. Ouch but understandable. Since she is in the same town I like her to come home for dinner once a week to which she usually postpones because of activities at school and to be with her friends. even when she does come home it can never be for more than a couple hours because she needs to get back for something or other. I feel taken advantage of as a parent. She uses our money even to buy things for her friends. The last time she was here her little brother tried to hug her and she was just annoyed. She was NEVER like this before. It is Thanksgiving in a couple of days and several extended family activities she has declined to attend because she wants to be with her friends. Time after time this has caused me real heartache with her lack of desire for us in her life. Am I overreacting?


D. - posted on 11/21/2012




How are her grades? It sounds like that and the part-time job were your conditions for paying her tuition. But, weekly family dinners? That was not part of the agreement, and the more you push her to come home when you want her to come home, the more she'll push back (she has by declining Thanksgiving festivities).

I think the weekly dinners are controlling on your part, and you are seeing the result (no Thanksgiving). Friends are a lot more important to her (which is normal at this age...really, this likely happened to her way before now, but since she lives on campus, she can really take advantage of it).

I think you should back off on the weekly dinners, give her a set time limit to find a job (I babysat in college), and put in to your tuition payment agreement with her that she is to come home for holidays.

Lacye - posted on 11/21/2012




No you are not overreacting. It is completely understandable for you to want her to come and visit during the week and to come over for Thanksgiving. Yes she is wanting some space but she should still try to make some time for her family.

As for you feeling taken advantage of, I would let her know about that. Tell her that she really needs to start looking for a job so she can pay for her own things. Give her a time limit. Let her know that if she does not have a job by a certain date, you will stop paying her bills. If she is responsible enough to live on her own, she should be responsible enough to take care of her own bills.


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