Daughter's Break-up Need Support/Advice - hard time disconnecting

Faith - posted on 11/19/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




My heart is breaking with my daughter. It's already 2 months post break up, but it feels like just yesterday. She's 18 and he's 17. I loved this young man like my own son. My daughter met him on a religious retreat. They shared the same values, had a lot in common and shared a respect for each other. He swept her off her feet and made her believe in love again (5 months earlier her ex-bf of a year broke her, but I was happy because he was emotionally and I found later physically abusing her and he betrayed her by dating her ex best friend). So, when this guy came along, I was blown away too. He made her feel she mattered and was lovable. I loved seeing them together.

They were so happy together... She is a year older than him. She started college in September and he's a high school senior. They had talked a bit about her being away at college, but not at all how they were going to handle it. Before she got involved in some activities and groups, she was coming home weekends to see him. He got mad and told her she needs to have the college experience and he should not be holding her back. A week later he said his parents had sat him down and said he'd been acting differently since she left for school. Basically they said something had to give with his crazy schedule and the stress he was under including her being gone. Instead of using this as a teaching and learning experience for their son coping with stress and not seeing my daughter as often, they felt he should let her go. He had never been mean to her. She had no clue what was coming. When he broke it off he was very upset, but very determined and very out of character. He said is wasn't her fault, he couldn't handle a relationship right now because he had too much going on in his life and the relationship was a burden. Wow, how hurtful. He wouldn't even let her talk, just told her to get in her car and drive home and never look back and don't try to be friends. She was blind sided and left with a huge hole that this young man had filled every day for over 8 months.

Against my advice, after a week and a half, she texted him. That did not go well. He was mean, but curious as to why she texted - to which she replied because he is her best friend, and then he asked her to never text him again. She didn't. 2 weeks later, he texted her saying it wasn't her fault, that is all. She never texted him back because she did not know how to respond.

This is heart wrenching because she really wants to get back together with him. She saw him in her future. She doesn't know exactly why or what happened. The last 2 months have been so hard to get through since they had plans made through them. She saw photos of homecoming, which they had talked about going together (at least he went with a family friend that has a boyfriend) and was so hurt. I keep telling her to block him on social media so she doesn't keep torturing herself, but like her, I find myself seeing what he's up to once in a while. A big thing right now is he's part of a variety show at school (we knew all about it and were looking forward to going before the break up). She wants to go see the show since she has other friends in it. I told her that should be fine, but she doesn't want to upset him. She also wants to break the ice somehow to talk, but isn't sure how and is afraid of rejection again. I told her if she went to the show, it's a great way to at least be able to send a friendly text to say he did a great job or something. I just told her to fight for what she wants and have courage, but whatever choice she makes, no matter what the outcome, she needs to accept it and move forward from there. I just want to see her happy again.

It's been so hard receiving nightly texts saying she's hurting and mom, please make the hurt stop. I'm hurting too. This young man was part of our family. We opened our hearts to him, but he hurt her, worse than the 1st boyfriend, because she does truly love this young man. They were such a good fit for each other. I find myself crying at night wondering why he was brought into her life only to leave. I keep praying for them both and that things will come back around and that they will reconcile. I'm so emotionally attached to my children and I get attached to their significant others.

Basically, I want my daughter to decide what to do and make peace with the outcome before a service trip she's leaving on in a few weeks. The service trip is a spiritual journey and will bring healing. I want her to make her move beforehand to know the outcome so she can find what she needs from this trip. If I didn't care so much about this young man, I would just tell her to move on. I suggested to her to listen to her heart and do what's best for her to be happy. I just do not want to see her hurt again or more. Any support or advice to give her, please share, it would appreciated.

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