Daughters dad is a deadbeat, but she still wants to see him.

VMoore - posted on 11/04/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hi, I really need some advice please. I split from my daughters father 6 years ago due to various issues including domestic violence and him running up thousands of pounds worth of debt. When I left him, he stayed in our house which had the mortgage in joint names and I moved out with the kids into a rental, just to get away from him as I couldn't take anymore and he would not move out. Eventually, the house was repossessed because he didn't pay the mortgage and I could not afford to pay rent and the mortgage.
This I have come to terms with over the years despite the fact that when I met him, I was financially well off, with a home of my own, and now I have no financial stability at all.
I work full time, but do not earn enough to give us a decent life ( holidays etc), but do the best I can.
Since I left him, I have had to beg for child support from him, which he usually pays eventually, but will not agree to a day each month when he will pay it, won't set up a standing order into my account, and, if I or my daughter annoy him in any way, will with hold it until the end of the month or later.
Annoying him is very easy.He is extremely controlling. Just asking when he is going to pay annoys him, my daughter not ringing him every night annoys him, catching sight of my current partner annoys him as does any evidence that my life is getting better in any way.
My daughter used to go to his house once or twice a week, but for the past four months, he has seen her only once, she was supposed to stay the night but all he did was buy her a very expensive lap top and a bag of chips, and dropped her home again ! Every weekend, he calls her and says that he will be picking her up on Saturday , but then doesn't turn up, and if she tries to call him, he doesn't answer his phone. She gets upset by this sometimes , and other times doesn't seem to care. Sometimes she really wants to go and see him and other times says all he does when she goes there is bitch about me and my partner and gets angry with her if she tries to defend me. I gather when she does go there, she spends most of her time in her room, and he never takes her anywhere, and when she comes home she is hostile and angry towards me.
I have got to the point that I really feel that it would be better if there was no further contact with him, despite the fact that I know that he will then refuse to pay any child support, which I really need. I tried before to take him through the CSA to get him to pay regularly, but as he is self employed, he lied about how much he earns and got his accountant to provide false accounts to stop me getting any money from him this way.
My daughter gets very upset if I suggest that it may be better all round if we stop having any contact with him.I know he is her father, but he really is no good for her, and I am sick and tired of him playing his mind games and still trying to control us . I don't know what to do for the best.Speaking to him about it is not an option as he just shouts and then takes it our on my daughter next time she speaks to him.
Sorry this post is so long


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Michelle - posted on 11/04/2013




She's the one that has to decide he's not worth the effort, not you.
She will eventually get sick of him not turning up and will be too busy with her friends to worry about it. You can't make that choice for her or like Jodi said, she will resent you.

Jodi - posted on 11/04/2013




So let her see him. I'm assuming you are calling him deadbeat because he doesn't pay? Or is it that he doesn't want to see her? Basically, you can't just decided to stop a parent seeing their child purely because they don't pay.

If you decide to stop her seeing him, and yet she wants to, she will resent YOU for that decision. She'll work it out on her own eventually if he truly isn't interested.

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