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Deadbeat mom trying to take son overseas...

Clairese - posted on 12/05/2019 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hi,

I just need some advice. I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 42. He has a 14 year old son who lives with us full time. I consider his son my stepson even though his dad and I aren't married. I have been in this kid's life since he was 9. His mom decided she wanted to start a new life and marry someone overseas. She took the son with her and he didn't like it because it was just too overwhelming having to learn a different language and going to a new school and most of all he missed his dad. So she decided to let him move back with him. It's been a rough few years but now that he is 14 he is starting to mature and is so much less emotional like he used to be. Well he was until she came to visit last month. His mom never made the choice to move back here. She doesn't really pay a dime. My boyfriend has to ask her to help pay for things like clothes or his school lunch etc. She does help but that's about the only thing she helps with. She thinks communicating with the son on the phone everyday seems to be enough. She only visits once a year if that and when she does the kid misses a lot of school because she wants to spend time with him but also mentioned it's a far drive. He does visit her in the summer time and comes back before school starts. Just this last month he came back an emotional wreck and had a lot of stress. His mom has been persuading him to move back with her. She says college is free there, the language should be easier to learn since he is older, his friend next door can help him in school, etc. And other random fun things he could have there that his dad and I don't have. The thing that irked me the most was that she told him he has 10 months to get his dad to sign papers stating he can live with her. He has until he is 15 to live with her and if they don't get the papers signed he can never live with her. Just visit. It put a lot of stress on this kid and I feel bad for him. We have a semi close relationship. We are best friends he says so he tells me everything, more than to his dad. He wanted to know my opinion. I told him it isn't my place to make the decision. It was his parents choice. But I did tell him that really his mom should move back here with him in the states. He said he didn't want to do that because she told him it would break her and her new wife up and her new wife's sons would have to live with their dad. I wanted to say that that's not his problem. But I said that he was very sweet to think of others but that he needs to try and focus on himself instead. That he should be the most important in his mom's life. There are so many things I wanted to say about his mom but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut. But really she is choosing this new wife over her son. I guess I should give her credit for wanting him to live with her but this is the question I have... Even though it isn't my choice, I want to know what the right choice would be for his dad to decide. Right now he told his son that his answer is no but he will think about it hoping that this is just a phase and once his mom is "out of sight out of mind" again he won't want to move back. The son has always been on and off about moving there. This isn't really new but it's a little more serious. I'm just wondering should it be the sons decision since he is 14 now? Who should decide and what would be the right decision? Thank you if you made it this far reading...

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Shenny - posted on 12/13/2019

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HI there! I just ran into your post and I agree this is a tough situation especially for the kid. It is not fair to put all that pressure on him to decide, but he should have some say due to his age and being aware of everything going on. The best would be for the parents to decide by placing their own wishes and conveniences aside and putting the child needs and best interest first. 14 is a tough age as it is, adding all this to it can result in some deeper issues such as depression and anxiety, etc if they aren't careful. I pray you all find a peaceful and healthy resolution. Best wishes!

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Clairese - posted on 01/23/2020

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Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. He has gotten back to his normal happy self and doesn't ask or speak of his mom as much, as it's been about 2 months since they last saw eachother. He did tell me he hoped his dads answer would be no and hasn't spoke of the situation since my last post. I'm just thinking that besides the fact that he misses his mom, it is because it sounds like fun there. His mom spoils him rotten and his dad only spoils him from time to time and he has chores here and does not there. I sure hope his mom understands how much he has grown here with his dad and that he has made lots of friends and that his family here will be with him through every milestone. His dad (now my fiance!!! Lol) told me his answer is still no, he doesn't want to give his son up to live in another country. He said that when he turns 18 he can move wherever he wants but for now he wants him here with not only him but his grandparents on both sides and the kid has always had a hard time making friends but he has made tons this past school year, which we are so happy about so he doesn't want to take that away from him. I know she will always be his mother though and we don't want to take him away from her but she isn't much of a good parental figure. She doesn't work or anything. Just talks down on his father and me as well. That is her job haha. Son is happy and just your normal teenage boy again thank goodness. Will try and deal with the situation better if it happens again after summer. Thank you so much again for your kind words and prayers !!!

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