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dilemma about bf (biological father)?????

Devon - posted on 06/14/2009 ( 88 moms have responded )

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I got a letter in the mail a couple of day's ago that told me i have a right to request an annual meeting for child support. since i haven't had one since 2003, i am requesting one because i know that my kids father is making alot more now then 8 dollars an hour.



anyway, my one friend is friends with my ex's brother's who one of there girlfriend's called my friend and was telling him that she talk's to my ex here and there and he is always asking about my kids and all this other stuff (because she is on my friends list on myspace) but was telling her that he doesn't want to see them because he doesn't want to complicate stuff, which i know he means that he doesn't want to complicate things between me and my boyfriend of 6 years. i think that is stupid, people do it everyday and they are in different relationships.



my dilemma is that once i get my court date for the child support i am afraid that if he shows up (because last time we had to go he faxed all his stuff over instead of coming in person), that when we are done with the meeting that he is going to try to ask me if he can see them. and i have gaven him ton's of chances to see them and he blew it everytime. he hasn't seen them in about 4 years now. so i don't know if he would happen to ask me that if i should let him or if i should just tell him that if he wants to see his kids then he can take me to court and then i will try to get supervised visitation????? i don't know what to do??? if anyone has answers or comments, i would appreciate them :)

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Tanya - posted on 06/18/2009

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I understand what you are going threw my daughters father hasnt seen her in over a year. If your kids are old enough I would ask them what they want to do.. and go from there

Devon - posted on 06/18/2009

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for lisa weatherly-king on your post to me about my written line that i used about the phone incident, yea, he said because he can't see them and he meant that i wouldn't allow him to take his kids for a couple hours by himself or overnight because he know's nothing about them and i don't know what he is capable of. and trust me if any of these women on here would meet my ex, they would all see what a terrible person and father he is. the one reason i started this was to get feed back to see what other mother's would say and because i feel that not all children should see there Bf's when they don't want to put in an effort to see there own children, sometimes it's best if children don't ever see there bf's exspecially if they had a father figure in there life more then there own father just like my kids have. thank you for the posts :)

Pam - posted on 06/18/2009

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Bottom line the father of your children has a right to see his kids--however, if he doesn't show up or decides not to then enough is enough and he blew his chance. As far as the child support issue you have a right to support for your kids. Just beware that if you make more money yourself you may not get more or it could even be less--rare but it happens. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 06/18/2009

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remember there is always the choice of calling a "mediation" ! attorneys are present, the fee here is 60 bucks. and the parties discuss the best interest of the children. and a neutral party is present as well. then agreements are reached and issues resolved- you can call a mediation more than once too.

Lisa - posted on 06/17/2009

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I think every situation is different and making comments on this form of feed back can be dangerous. We have no ideas of the full story and are getting only one perspective. Me, I am a two sides of the coin kinda person so I like to hear both sides. You are all condemning a man you have never met on one womans say so. It is all good and well to make comments on personal experience but to judge someone without any prior knowledge is harsh in any form. Devons line above here catches my eye "he has even told me over the phone once that he didn't love his kids because he can't see them" My question is WHY can't he see them .... it doesn't say because he DOESN"T want to see them. To me there is a lot more to this story than the story teller is letting on.

Devon - posted on 06/17/2009

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Thank you all again for responding. alot of you have touched a good topic exspecially tracee's post about wanting to be a father when it is best for him. that is the truth! my kids father only wants to be there father when he feels like it and when i gave him chances to come and see them he didn't even really interact with them and the one time he brought his then girlfriend with him and her two kids (which wasn't his), and he played with her kids more then his own. he has threatened multiple times whenever we went to court in the past for child support that he was going to take me for custody but never did because i know he didn't have the money to do it then. he has even told me over the phone once that he didn't love his kids because he can't see them. but, thank you for posting your replys and i will take alot of the comments into consideration :)

Rosemary - posted on 06/17/2009

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If he has not seen the kids for 4 years then they probably don't even know who he is really. I think it would be better if he keeps on not seeing them even if it means not getting more child support. Why disrupt the kids lives for a few more dollars a month? It doesn't sound like he likes going to court anyway. But if he does try to get visitation you have a good case against him about not seeing the kids for 4 years. Good luck!!

Charlotte - posted on 06/17/2009

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Oh you poor thing..that Shelly woman was really rude..obviously he doesnt mind supporting them but doesnt want to see them physically. if you go to court and he shows up and asks to see them then make a specific day and time to meet you somewhere in public where he wont cause a scene. Ive been through this with my oldest sons father and no judge in there right mind will allow a child to go with someone who is a complete stranger in the childrens eyes. They dont know him and will not go with him so i would say if you make arrangements for him to see them and he shows up by chance then talk to him and just explain that until the girls are comfortable with him they will only see him when you are around.

Jenny - posted on 06/17/2009

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I can see the situation from both sides, having divorced 8 years ago,initially my ex husband was GOOD time dad seeing my 3 then 6,8,10 every second weekend then half every hols I accepted it and tried to ënjoy"my free time, when he realised it wasn't getting to me he suddenly stopped ALL contact saying he wouldn't see the kids unless I would see him. ( he was living with the woman he left me for) but wanting me to take him back. I've keep the kids informed as much as possible to the facts.Only last year my then 17 year old had an overwelming desire to see his father, threw in school, his part time job, in effect his whole life moved to Melbourne which is about 1000km away to live with "dad"after 5 weeks, true colours showed and he came home, totally jaded by the whole experience. His demeanour is different,dejected and discarded it's taken about 8months now for him to get purpose back in his life, the other kids have learnt from the experience and having a younger child now only 3yo from different relationship, and her father being not a very nice person- (I must've known how to pick them!) I am currently going through court who have taken the issue totally out of my hands and ruled sole parental responsibilty to me with NO contact by father due to his non compliance with orders.

Every case is individual.

My current "boyfriend and I have a very non traditional relationship.(being family friends for years mine and his kids actually set us up) he works away, so it's long distance. He has 5 and we see his kids where possible. I've seen the flipside, when the kids are used as pawns, so with him and my five brothers, they get plenty of father figures, (too many putting in their two bits sometimes)

I wish you luck, but from my circumstances would prefer to raise the kids solo, it comes down to protecting them physically and emotionally.

Traci - posted on 06/17/2009

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Hi,
My only thing would be the whole "parent of convenience" thing that a lot of them are prone to. If the kids are allowed to see him and he has these in-and-out visits with them every now and then, it may hurt them or leave them feeling abandoned...I mean look at how long it's been since he's seen them.

I have a similar situation and I have made the decision for my son (who is 11) to not see him. I have allowed him more than enough chances over the years; on top of many excuses and many failed show-ups to be a part of his life. He is not what my son needs for his life b/c now he knows rejection b/c of that man. At a point, I'd believed that he was serious about being in his life so I told him about who he was and that circumstances kept him from his life in the beginning. He had a clean slate to enter the picture without having to make excuses or anything and he messed it up. So, now I will leave it up to my son when he reaches an age where he wants to seek him out for himself but not on my watch. I can't afford it. They need healthy (mind, body, and spirit) male figures in their lives and unfortunately, it's not always the ones they are blood related to.

Since they are not really familiar with him, and he does ask to see them, you are well within your rights, until you are comfortable, to want supervised visitation because they don't know him.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your decision.

Take care

Tracee - posted on 06/17/2009

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From my honest opinion, I don't think you need to worry about him wanting to see your children. If he has not taken the time to see them in 4 years. I think you can be safe to say, he has no interest. The kids are better off not having a father who is not in their life anyways.

I am going through the same thing as you are. My son is 7-years-old and he does not even ask about his father. He lives about 10 minutes from me and does not even call. We are not on the best speaking terms right now. He has been in contempt twice now for not paying child support. When he does call. We argue and he hangs up on me. I feel for you and I feel that you have nothing to worry about.

My son's father is no threat to me. I have custody of my son. We have no agreement on visitation. So technically, I don't have to let him see his son. He is a father when he wants to be not when he has to be. I also have given his father time to spend with his son and he has things to do. When he does come over and see his son. He spends most of the time sleeping on my couch or watching TV. That is the main reason I will not have him over to my house to spend time with my son. I will not allow my son over at his house because he lives beside a bar. He has a 1 bedroom and nothing for my son to do. I am so grateful for my son. I will protect him. I am not keeping my son from his father. He is doing that all on his own. You hang in there and don't worry..

Corrina - posted on 06/17/2009

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Holy that women above, scolding you Devon must be "the other woman" lmao.... i guess being abysmally ignorant will bite her in the ass someday...

Corrina - posted on 06/17/2009

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Go to the child and family law website for your corresponding province. The province in which you live in should be the province of what laws apply. I think there is some continuity on a national level but its good to read their legislation. Also it depends on many factors; ie. consistancy, history of violence, the best interest of the child(ren), how passionate the judge is on family law (we are all human & have various influences), stability and structure in children's lives...on and on. Each case is different but must consider the protection of the children. The children have a right to that child support, that is a single issue, visitatation is a separate issue, if he is conducive to their lives then that will be up to the judge to decide but I highly doubt it will affect custody after being inconsistant and irresponsible. These guys are everywhere...cook the the bozo your children deserve to have it. When he asks to see them tell him to make an order to the courts for visitation....if he's serious then he will, he will be given a schedule to follow and by the sounds of it he won't be able to keep it, when they screw up they lose their priviledges as its not fair to the children to have the inconsistancy. Get avivdavits from others and self on why he should have supervised visits and stick to facts, no hearsay. Good luck with all this.

[deleted account]

i've been in your same situation...........my daughter is almost three and he never really had anything to do with her unless he had a girlfriend that he could parade her around. that's super frustrating. he went about three months without seeing her but still gave me a bunch of crap about anything and everything. all you can do is take the high road. if he wants to see them tell him a specific time and place. if you guys already have a court order for visitation then remind him of the times he is supposed to get them. if he says he will be there then say ok and wait. i dont know that i would get the kids all excited/nervous about seeing him until you know FOR SURE that he will show up. that way if he doesnt show they wont wonder why or feel bad that he didnt. but that's just what i would do. i try to make my daughters life as drama free as possible and dont let stuff like that get to me.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/17/2009

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Although they are your children and you have every right as their mother to do what is best for them, you can get in serious trouble if you deny him from seeing them. Until you get the proper court paperwork that limits his visitation and such, you just need to wait on your annual review if you think he will ask to see them. Either avoid any encounters with him for the time being or accept that he may see your kids. Even if he doesn't pay child support, he still has the legal right to visit with them. My x-husband lives across the country and hasn't seen his children in 5 years and hasn't paid child support in over a year, but when he calls, our children talk to him because it is the best (and only) way for them to get to know him and feel comfortable around him if he ever does choose to visit them again. My husband has raised them since they were young toddlers, but they still have a right to know about and talk with their biological father. They do not know any of the details of why he doesn't pay child support and they have been told that he loves them, even when he didn't contact them for years, because they are his children and don't need to know about the conflicts between him and I.



Regardless of wether he sees your children or not, as a father, he does love them just as any mother who doesn't see her children. He has every right to visit with them unless you have proven through court otherwise. Obviously if you don't feel comfortable with them staying overnight or leaving with him, you should take it to court first or talk to him about your concerns regarding their lack of interaction with him vs their young ages. If you choose to pursue your child support review, which you probably should, then I would suggest you contact him and start some sort of communication between the two of you again and later with him and your children so that when the time comes for you to see him in court, at least you've made a valient effort. Regardless of your decision, good luck.

Tamara - posted on 06/17/2009

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Devon,

I completely understand your situation. The best thing that you can do for you and your children is to get the full custody in place, that way IF he diecides that he wants to be a part of the childrens lives you have legal ground to stand on if he were to try to take the children. Then I would work on the child support. I have been in this situation I know what you are feeling and I speak from experience. As my son (who is now 22yrs old) was visiting with his father over the years he began to see what type of a person he actually was. He was able to make his decision as to whether he wanted to continue the visitation or not. And chose not to continue, he told him you need to be more of a father to me than what you have been. I would not try to keep them away from their father. They need to know that it has be both of their decisons (theirs and dad) if dad is going to be a part of their lives. I wish you good luck in this journey, as it is not going to be an easy one. But remember, you need to do what you is right for your kids. They have a right to know who dad is.

Devon - posted on 06/17/2009

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thank you so much to every single one of you who have responded, it has helped me alot to figure out what is best for my kids. it is hard to go through this and i really appreciate the input. i will definately keep posting of what happens when the time comes. i am still waiting on my papers to fill out for the child support review and then i have to wait for a court date. thank you :)

Christy - posted on 06/17/2009

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After 4 years I think it would be best to go through the court. That away if your kids need counseling to help them adjust you can make that request during the hearing. I have a son who has not seen his father since he was 18 months and this is how I would handle it. If the father gets mad so what you have to make sure your kids are getting what they need to adjust.

[deleted account]

Devon,

Everyone has to remember that these children are 6 years old. If your boyfriend has been their only father figure how at this age are you going to get them to understand that he isn't daddy. When to them he is the only one they know as daddy. I so totally understand your dilema.

My two oldest girls had regular visits with their father and know when they were 15 and 12 he decided that na they don't need him anymore. It has really affected my now 13 year old.

My son is 19 months old he has never meet his father and i have just found out that he never will as his father passed away earlier this year.

If I were in that situation i will not tell my girls at the age of six, I would go though the courts and see what is said from the bio father or I as like to call them "sperm donors"

Then go from there if he has chosen not to see the girls in the past what makes him think that you would be alright with him seeing them 6 years later. It sounds like they have a wonderful father figure in thier lives why would anyone want to ruin their happiness.

Any man can become a father, it takes a special man to become a daddy.

I hope that everything works out for your little ones..

Jennifer - posted on 06/17/2009

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AMEN!!!! I have a daughter, age 13. "Daddy" came into the picture last summer after not wanting to be a part of her. He son comitted suicide, he felt guilty about not being in her life, put her name in the paper as a sibling, and involved himself in her life without my approval. I gave her the choice and because she was so desperate for a father, she chose to get involved with him. It is now June and she has not heard from him since December. What I expected would happen, did. So, the end result is that she now is in therapy, has turned into a completely different child, and blames me for everything because, I am the only person close enough to her to blame. It has really caused alot of problems and it has also caused my beautiful daughter alot of pain. At the age of 13, girls are going through enough without any outside conflict. I fear the worst for her, and I am just praying that I did the right thing by allowing her to make her own decision. I wanted to protect her from all of this but, unfortunately, I had no choice. Had I not told her about her father, someone else would have. The newspaper post was all over our home town and people were calling me with the information. He gave me no choice.

Had it been up to me, we would still be plugging along in our own little lives, enjoying life and each other. Now, we are just trying to get through every day. It's not fair to the kids, and it is also not fair to the mothers or fathers who are raising their children alone, not by choice. These "doners" as I also refer to them have no rights as far as I am concerned! I heard it in a movie once, "You need a license to drive a car but, they will let any butt reaming ass hole be a father". Sooooo True!

Jennifer - posted on 06/17/2009

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Quoting Diane:

Shelly i dont want to be rude but have you lived through the experience devon has if not then i suggest you live it then tell her what to do.
Women like her drive you crazy well dont you think it drives her crazy going through day to day trying to get there father to be in there lives and he wont and after 6 years he all the sudden wants to be a father to them my opinion to little to late.
I lived through the same situation for 22 years my daughters father wanted nothing to do with her whatsoever untill she was 17 years old all the sudden he wanted to see her.
well i left that up to my daughter she was mature enough to decide and she decided that he had never been a father to her and she didnt want to see him.
If you think that paying child support makes him a father then you havent calculated what you get for child support and what it truely costs to raise a child the money i was recieving for my daughter didnt even buy her school lunches for a week so they get away with the finacial difficulties and the mental and the support part of raising a child but cause they throw a couple of bucks a month to you then that makes them a father no my dear that makes them a sperm donner and nothing more.


 

Elma - posted on 06/17/2009

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There,s alot to be said for fathers who feel they can leave and pop up years later after all the hard work has been done.Unfortunately children will always crave for their absent parent regardless of how much you ve gone through to raise them and protect them.



If the child wants to see their father , then let them...trust me most of this no good sperm doners cant keep or maintain a relationship with these children because they were absent in their formative years and find it really difficult to get to know them because they expect automatic acceptance..The kids finally figure this out and tell them to take a running jump...so dont try and stop them from seeing their father it will only make you seem selfish to the child.I know it hurts but you have to let them find out for themselves.

Diane - posted on 06/17/2009

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Shelly i dont want to be rude but have you lived through the experience devon has if not then i suggest you live it then tell her what to do.

Women like her drive you crazy well dont you think it drives her crazy going through day to day trying to get there father to be in there lives and he wont and after 6 years he all the sudden wants to be a father to them my opinion to little to late.

I lived through the same situation for 22 years my daughters father wanted nothing to do with her whatsoever untill she was 17 years old all the sudden he wanted to see her.

well i left that up to my daughter she was mature enough to decide and she decided that he had never been a father to her and she didnt want to see him.

If you think that paying child support makes him a father then you havent calculated what you get for child support and what it truely costs to raise a child the money i was recieving for my daughter didnt even buy her school lunches for a week so they get away with the finacial difficulties and the mental and the support part of raising a child but cause they throw a couple of bucks a month to you then that makes them a father no my dear that makes them a sperm donner and nothing more.

Lisa - posted on 06/17/2009

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Quoting Becky:

It will be up to the court, but if a father has been noticeably absent in a child's life, then the court will typically not award visitation or custody rights even though the father has to pay child support. It varies from state to state so check with your child support enforcement agency for details in your state. My son's father has no visitation rights whatsoever but still has to pay child support.



I think its sad when a child has to grow up without contact with their biological parents.  I understand if its by violence etc but if the parent just walks away and says I don't want to see them anymore, I just can't get my head around it. 



 



I grew up without my Dad in my life for most of it, I hated those years.  My teens have all grown up with out their father who was violent.  I am now raising 2 step sons whose mother walked out on them when they were very young.  I am now trying to help her reenter their lives as she has started getting herself on the right track now.  She will never have the relationship I do with her sons but at least she will have some form of relationship with them.

Lisa - posted on 06/17/2009

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Quoting Becky:

It will be up to the court, but if a father has been noticeably absent in a child's life, then the court will typically not award visitation or custody rights even though the father has to pay child support. It varies from state to state so check with your child support enforcement agency for details in your state. My son's father has no visitation rights whatsoever but still has to pay child support.



I think its sad when a child has to grow up without contact with their biological parents.  I understand if its by violence etc but if the parent just walks away and says I don't want to see them anymore, I just can't get my head around it. 



 



I grew up without my Dad in my life for most of it, I hated those years.  My teens have all grown up with out their father who was violent.  I am now raising 2 step sons whose mother walked out on them when they were very young.  I am now trying to help her reenter their lives as she has started getting herself on the right track now.  She will never have the relationship I do with her sons but at least she will have some form of relationship with them.

Lisa - posted on 06/17/2009

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The first thing I would be asking is do his children Want to see him? The thing is that it is not what you want or what he wants that is important. It is what is in the BEST interest of the children. Separated couples OFTEN forget that there are children with thoughts, feeling and the right to make up their own minds in these cases. If your children are old enough and can comprehend the situation then find out how they feel. Leave your own feelings and thoughts out of it. You already have a very jaded opinion of their father. You need to talk to the father and find out his intentions. Let him know how you feel and your worries. He may have had external factors interferring in his previous attempts (this can include just a basic misunderstanding of his own rights) Get in contact with some form of Relationship counselling service (relationships Australia if in Australia) and seek their advise. I talk from a hell of a lot of experience on both sides of the coin. Good Luck. I hope you can come to a conclussion that is beneficial to the children.

Trish - posted on 06/16/2009

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Devon, this is a real tough one. Only you can decide. It is a kind of damned if you and damned if you don't. I agree that as far as your kids are concerned the man you are with now is their father. However, I really think that you have to have a heart to heart talk with your girls. If they say no now...that's fine, but continue to give them the chance throughout their lives. You do not want to be the one in the way of a relationship with their father. I am raising grandchildren. After their mother abandoned them and had no contact for 3 months, they did not want to see her when she decided she needed a child fix. I never forced the issue, but each time she asked to see them, I would ask the kids. Eventually, they decided they would see her. Now they see her a couple of times of month, but if she calls and they do not want to see her, they do not have to. I even make an effort to be civil to her, though we will definitely never be friends. I do this so there is no added stress in their lives. Just my input.

Becky - posted on 06/16/2009

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It will be up to the court, but if a father has been noticeably absent in a child's life, then the court will typically not award visitation or custody rights even though the father has to pay child support. It varies from state to state so check with your child support enforcement agency for details in your state. My son's father has no visitation rights whatsoever but still has to pay child support.

Ardeliah - posted on 06/16/2009

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Don't forget that the courts have a say in things too. No matter what you want to do or the kids want to do the court may order that he have visitation. They try to do what is right for the family but they don't always get it right.

Devon - posted on 06/16/2009

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to shelly burton on your post, that was a little harsh, but my kids have a father in there life that they have known since they were 6 months old and call him daddy and he is a better father to them then there real dad will ever be to them. there father has had many chances to come and see them but he came 4 times and stopped. he was never really there for them and he has threatened to take me to court but never did!! it will also be hard to for him to see them because he lives in hazleton, pa and i live in q-town, pa. besides he needs supervised visitation if it comes to court because he doesn't know how they are, he has hit his ex girlfriends kids in the past, he has hit me when we dated and he is on and off with drugs. so if he wants to see his kids then he can have supervised visitation with them. i also know that without physical custody he can take my kids and i know that i wouldn't be able to do anything about it, which is another reason i am confused about what to do. i want to go for full custody so if that happens i can do something about it but yet i don't want him to take my kids overnight until he gets to know them a bit better. also, like i said when i first posted my problem, he has said to my friends friend that he wants to see them but he doesn't want to make things complicated which means he doesn't want to interfere with me and my boyfriend. that is just an accuse not to want to see his kids. bottom line he is a dead beat and always has been and he hasn't always paid me child support on a daily basis. i was in court alot of times, more then i can count because he wasn't paying support like it was court ordered or he was changing jobs constantly. he has even gone to jail for 2 days because of it and since that happened now he has been paying me every week and i haven't had a problem. so, thank you for your reply but you didn't have to be so harsh with your words. i am just trying to think of what is best for my children and children seeing there fathers aren't always whats best for the kids, exspecially if they already have a good father figure in there life.

Marinda - posted on 06/15/2009

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I speak from experience when I say you, that the one thing you will regret for the rest of your life,is to keep your kids and their biologial father apart,"yes" even if he`s not an attentive father, your kids will have problems emotionally in years to come, and they will blame you in time for not trying everything to keep an relationship with him.I know it`s rough emotionally on you also, and that you feel that the problem lays with thier dad, but you`re a mom honey and that means making big sacrifices for those kids, even ones that you wish can avoid at all cost. love to you

Shelly - posted on 06/15/2009

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Devon,

Women like you drive me crazy!!! Thier father has every right to see his children and were he has been paying child support the past four yrs. Even if he he hasn't tried to see them before he has every right to try and build a relationship with HIS children...Why is it that you seem to think that you are the only one with rights why do you think that he should have supervised visitation and no he doesn't have to take you to court all he has to do is go through the child support divition at health & welfare. and they can press charges on you if you try to block him from seeing thim!!!And if you don't have a custody agreement with him saying that you have physical custody he can walk away with your kids and there isn't a dang thing that you can do about it!! So I suggest you go to the courts and get things in writing instead of thaking it for granted on what he wants. And hoe unfair of you to try and keep your kids away from thier father...Do you not think that they have the right to know who he is and who they are??? It would be totaly different if he hadn't been paying child support for the past six years and just ran away from the entire thing!!!

Devon - posted on 06/15/2009

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thank you for your replys again. it definately gives me alot to think about. i will keep all of you's posted on the situation :)

Tina - posted on 06/15/2009

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uggg x's are terrible...my oldesthas a different dad(actually he introduced me to my husband) but the x was my first love from highschool....its a very long story...but my husband has been with us since she was 1 yr old and was all she new..i decided 2 yrs ago when she would have siblings at school it was time to tell her about him(hes always pd support and never saw her except a few times before she was 1 when we got back together briefly) he was gonna sign off at one point but that would have been letting him off the hook. well since then he has seen her 2xs thats it once at a resturant we met him there.and again he came to sit with her on the porch and have a pop cuz he was in the area..he was suppose to meet us at the park and never showed(that was terrible she watched every car pull in and accused me of not answering my phone) she is not a very emotional child but ive told her any questions i will answer but she needs to know that we did love eachother at one point..she hasnt seen him now again in 1 1/2 yrs and just talked to him briefly on phone for maybe 5 min he said hed call back and hasnt....she needs to know him i think....but my husband is the one here for her non of his family is involved with her either never even have seen her.she is almost 10...but raise the support try to let it be ok for all meet at the park (have a friend with you don't have to talk just watch interaction between them) but the kids have to know it is ok for them to have feelings for both guys in there lives and answer questions not too specific but honest they will find out eventually on there own how he is...

Heidi - posted on 06/15/2009

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You do what is right for your kids. They come first and foremost. You could always sit down with the kids and ask them how they feel. I know I would do that.

I should look into an annual child support review as well, because I know my ex makes way more money now then he did 8 years ago when child support was implemented.

Devon - posted on 06/15/2009

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my girls are both only 6 years old and they don't even know who he is. i tried explaining to them about there real dad and why he isn't in there life but they didn't really get it. i even showed them a picture of him. so, i don't know if that changes anything of making it there choice or not? i always think to myself that is sucks that he was never part of there life, but on the other hand i like that he isn't because i see what my boyfriend go's through and my friends go through that have to deal with the every other weekend thing, the splitting of holidays and all that other stuff and it's a pain in the butt. but i thank you both for your reply's and i will definately take in the advice :)

Sara - posted on 06/14/2009

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To me it looks like your girls may be old enough to have input. I would talk to them and explain to them that you are worried about what will happen if Dad starts visits and then disappears again. Ask them if they want to see him even knowing this may happen. Giving them the chance will make them feel more in control. Let them know if at any time they want to stop visits they have that option. This is also good for you because later if he does come back into their life and they ask him why weren't you there, he can't say because your mom wouldn't let me. You don't want them to be mad at you for that. If they are old enough involve them in the decision. Good Luck. :)

Joanna - posted on 06/14/2009

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that is a tough one, i think it depends on how old your children are and if they want to see him. they might decide that they do not want to see him but they should be able to have a choice. i know that this is hard for you and i feel for you and hope i have helped

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