Disrespectful adults still living at home

Karen - posted on 08/14/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )




How much leeway should my 22 year old daughter get while still living at home? She has a 3.5 year old daughter who also lives with us. She complains that I keep tabs on her and always want to know what time she's coming home if she goes out at night with friends. I say that it's just courteous to let us know what time to expect her home to lessen worrying if it's late. She thinks it's ridiculous. And, she also thinks it's ridiculous that I require her to keep a somewhat tidy bedroom (she shares with her daughter) and to ask her to wash dishes that she dirties when she comes in AFTER supper dishes have been cleaned up.

What do you think? Should I let her do as she pleases when she pleases? Or, should there still be rules?


Marta - posted on 08/14/2009




At risk of soundy kinda mean I'd be giving her the boot! It's your house, your rules, and so long as she lives under your roof she needs to live by those rules. I would never in a million years (I'll be 22 this Dec.) dream of disrespecting my parents in such a fashion simply because they are my parents and I need to teach my children that you respect your parents no matter how inconvenient it may seem to you. From the sounds of it she's using you and your husband as a crutch to still live a lifestyle that's not suitable when you have children. Cut the apron strings as soon as possible. Sorry to be so harsh.

[deleted account]

Charge her board and if she does not do her share of the housework then charge her an hourly rate for you to do it for her.Ifshe does not pay her way then she needs to find somewhere else that will tolerate her attitude. I hope she is discussing the babysitting with you also before she goes out with her mates and not just assuming that you will stay home to watch the baby? If not charge her babysitting (and actually get one in if you have plans to go out) Its a horrible thing but she needs to know that there are boundaries and there are consequences for crossing them

Honestly, both my best friend and my sister live with their folks because they couldnt afford to rent as single mums. There have been issues over boundaries - what should be their say as the babies mum, but they always paid their board, did their share of the housework and only got to goout baby free if their parents had no plans and agreed to babysit. Common courtesy costs nothing!

Joz - posted on 08/14/2009




I am only 26 and when i go visit my mum i still abide by her rules after all it is her place and every one deserves the right to have a say when it comes to there home if your daughter doesn't like the way things are maybe tell her to get her own place then she can have her own rules don't give in it doesn't matter how old we get there is a time and place for respect and your daughter should be respecting your thoughts and decisions.

Angie - posted on 08/14/2009




KAREN, you need to step up! It is a amazing that you are there for your child...BUT seriously, she wants to be treated like an adult... then she should act like one!!!!!!!!!!
When she goes out with friends...are you babysitting for her???? I'd start charging her and if she is plenty capable to live on her one...then Kick her out! I'm sorry but its time to cut the umbilical cord.
I'm not trying to be rude...I am 22 years old also... If she doesn't respect your rules of the house, then its time to go. I remember coming home from College and I didn't respect the rules...guess what happened...I could no longer live or eat there. I have learned that if I want respect...I need to earn it.

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Sharon - posted on 08/15/2009




Yeah - you're her mom, not her maid.

If this were a roommate situation she'd probably be out on her ass already. Rooms have to be tidy & clean to prevent bugs. Washing your own dishes after the bulk has been done BY SOMEONE ELSE is just common decency. She sounds really selfish and self involved.

Who watches the baby while she's gone till all hours?

IF - and I mean IF she is the kind of person I'm used to seeing start keeping a log of her hours and issues. Start charging daycare fees for babysitting, 'cause I'll bet you're the one left with the baby. Then when the shit hits the fan you can show the judge her life style and issues and go from there.

Cynthia - posted on 08/15/2009




Give her a 30 day notice. I have kept my grandchildren, but not my grown adult children, and to that I say never again. Mine at 21, 26, 27 and 28. My dauther is a doctor, but the boys, well they are another story. If she's old enough to have a child and stay out all night, she's old enough to take care of herself. I just got a restraining order on my son, for five years, and I'm thinking that may not be long enough. He can contact me by phone for advice, but I don't want him back at my house until he learns respect.

[deleted account]

KICK HER BUTT OUT! Okay, if you aren't ready to go there yet, sit down with her and give her a specific list. Tell her exactly what you require of her if she is going to live under your roof. It doesn't matter how stupid she thinks your rules are or even if your rules ACTUALLY ARE STUPID. It is YOUR house and you have a right to make any rules that you want to make. It is her job to follow them. If this is not ok with her then she needs to get her hind end out of your house. She can either be a grown up and live on her own or she can be a child living in your house and following your rules. She just needs to pick one. If she still doesn't want to follow the rules, give her a time limit on when she needs to be out. It seems mean but you really will be doing yourself AND her a favor by kicking that overgrown baby bird out of the nest. :-)

Amy - posted on 08/14/2009




It's your home, heck, if I were in your situation I would add some more. I take it that when she goes out with her friends you are watching her child. If that is the case, then you deserve to know where she is at and what time she is coming home. She would have to with a regular (non-related) babysitter.
She is rude and delusional and you gotta nip it in the butt. She should be keeping her room spotless, do the dishes and cook some dinner. If she is not paying rent then she should be taking care of the basic up keep of your home. She needs to be reminded how fortunate she is to have you providing her food, shelter, and childcare!

Marijke - posted on 08/14/2009




I agree with what is said. My parents were the same; their roof, their rules, and they were right. When their rules started to drive me nuts I knew it was time to go and start my own life. I'm happy I always kept respecting my parents 'cos now I'm a (starting) parent I understand their point of view much better. I respect them and they me, we know we can always count on each other. I fear if you wait too long you will loose eachother's respect.

Rabecca - posted on 08/14/2009




There are rules when you live alone, there should be MORE rules when you have "roommates"

Rebecca - posted on 08/14/2009




you have those rules for a reason, so stick to them.

she is living in your house so in my book has to go by your rules.

when i was still living at home with my parents i told them when i would be home if i went out, kept a clean bedroom(my boyfriend lived with us) and cleaned up if i made a mess in the kitchen .

to me its common sense

Helen - posted on 08/14/2009




there should be some rules, after all she is living in your home and she should have some respect for you regardless of her age

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