Divorce-heart brown mother

Karla - posted on 05/04/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hi everyone. I have 3 kids and just bought a house with my new fiancé. My kids are 11, 10, and 8. My youngest two are adjusting well to the divorce and the impending marriage. I filed for divorce in 2011 from my children's father. My oldest is having the most difficult time with all of the transition going on and lately blames me for the entire divorce. My ex has pretty much Brainwashed him into believing that because I am the one who filed, that it is my fault. He has said his life sucks now because his parents are divorced. (I filed in 2011, finalized in 2014). I am about to get remarried and just bought a house of my fiancé.
My ex and I got divorced because he had a series of girlfriends while we were married. He did not want a divorce because he was financially dependent upon me and wanted to maintain the lifestyle that I provided. He drained my savings to pay off loans, bought an expensive vehicle, etc.

My immediate problem is that my 11-year-old blames me for everything, hates me, and doesn't want me as his mother. I am 100% completely heartbroken at best. His grades are horrible and he is emotionally suffering because of that and all of the life changes he is going through problem is that my 11-year-old blames me for everything, hates me, and doesn't want me as his mother. I am 100% completely heartbroken at best. His grades are horrible and he is emotionally suffering because of school and all of the life changes he is going through. He hates it when I tell him the word no to anything that he asks for but I am not going to raise a child who feels he is entitled to anything he wants. His younger siblings are adjusting just fine, but it is absolutely breaking my heart that he hates me so much. What do I do? Do I tell him WHY his father and I got divorced? I don't think he needs to know, but at the same time my ex blames me and is encouraging my kids to blame me also. PLEASE HELP!


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Ev - posted on 05/04/2016




I have a bit of advice for you: Not all kids handle divorce the same way or as good as others can. I was divorced 14 years ago. I had to let the kids go to their dad because I had no money to fight for custody anymore and he had assets he could pull from via his family. I also let them go for the most important of reasons: They had been dealt a blow they could not control or fix. They were hurting because their world was torn up. They were not sure what was coming next. They wanted some semblance of stability. I gave them that when I let their dad have primary care. You see, kids hurt a lot from parents splitting up and having two house holds etc. They also hurt when dad or mom start dating again or get married again because they want their parents back together. It is normal for them to feel this way and to say the things your son has said. They are looking for a place to lay the blame and in your case it is on you. I had thought for a long time my kids would be that way with me or my ex would somehow be able to turn them against me. All you can do is offer him unconditional love, give him consequences when necessary for his words and actions because you should not have to take a bad attitude when he does not get his way, also acknowledge his hurt and worries, also be there for him no matter what. How long have you been with the fiance? These changes in a child's live in 3 years is a lot to deal with and he sounds like he was not ready for all of this. As to the finality of my story, I never got the hate words or the phrases about not being their mother. I used my time wisely as I could and focused on them. Fourteen years later, I can proudly say that we are happy adults who have a very close bond that has come of this situation we were in over the years. The kids did end up with 2 step moms and still have one currently. They have both come to me with their worries and concerns. I never talked badly of their father but if we discusses something he did at his home I would tell them that maybe he made a bad choice but he is not a bad person because I do not always make good choices. By saying that, I was able to make them see that we all make choices not always the best ones and he was just human. At the same time I was able to acknowledge their hurt and pain on a lot of things. Today, I have their respect, trust, and honor as a parent and as a person. Their dad, sadly, has lost all of that.

Michelle - posted on 05/04/2016




Never tell a child the reasons behind a divorce. You are right they don't need to know.
All you can do is reassure him that you love him and you and his father just couldn't live together anymore.
As a child who had 1 parent saying bad things about the other and the other parent no saying anything, I will say I have a lot more respect of the parent who never said anything bad against the other. You don't see it when you are a child but when you grow up and look back you realize how much hurt the other parent went through.

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