The Circle of Moms site will be discontinued on March 1st, 2020. Head to POPSUGAR Family's Facebook page for more community discussions.

Let's Go >>

does ayone else have this problem with leaving your child?

Britney - posted on 10/11/2010 ( 208 moms have responded )

7

15

1

i am an at home mom to a baby oy who is 8 months old i am with him 24/7 (not complaining at all i love it) i have left him for maybe 24 hours altogher if that (15 mins here 5 there) but lately me and my hubby has been talking about haveing a date night but i get nervous at the thought of leaving him even when it comes to someone i fully trust with no doubt what so ever. i as just wondering if anyone else has this anxiety problem about leaving your childern and is there any thing i can do that would help.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Melissa - posted on 10/11/2010

262

15

43

hahaha.... I am the same way!! My son is 16 months and has not spent the night with out me... I have only left him 5 times for no more then 5 hrs. I don't think there is anything that you can do to help it... but I don't think it would hurt for you guys to go for dinner and a movie or something...
My son started dayschool last month for 2 days a week 5 hours a day and that is helping me lighten up a bit and I am willing to leave him a little easier. I still REFUSE to leave him overnight... I just don't like the idea! Good luck

Nellie - posted on 10/11/2010

178

78

14

i just hired a babysitter and im going out and buying a nanny cam. also i had a page of interview questions i asked her and im checking her refernces

Nichole - posted on 10/11/2010

1,268

50

158

I had that problem really bad when my son was born. Like at first I couldn't let anybody else hold him, even my husband. But I knew that was wrong so I just made sure I let at least family and close friends, but I got to hold the baby most. Gradually I let them more and more, until I wasn't so anxious. Then I worked on not having to be in the same room as him every minute day and night. It started with just leaving the room for five minutes, then more and more, until there wasn't anxiety. Then I worked on leaving him with a sitter, first it was little bits of time, then more. Now he's 13 months and I'm not anxious about leaving him. I miss him during the day though. I went back to work when he was 10 months. I was a stay at home mommy. All I can tell you is keep leaving your baby with the sitter, do the date night thing. Eventually your anxiety will get better.

Kelea - posted on 10/22/2010

4

19

0

If you're really worried, wait a little bit. They're not 8 months old forever. You'll be ready to go somewhere soon enough.

Adrianne - posted on 10/22/2010

7

7

1

ME!! I didn't leave the house for 6 years...it got to the point I couldn't check the mailbox...I just knew that if I wasn't there 24/7, something horrible would happen to my children...eventually, when I realized I needed help, I got help...they came to me initially. I think all new mom's go through this, but in my case, it went way too far. Just know that your child will not die if you are not there. I'm guessing that's the bottom line of your fear. Get someone you know and trust to watch him, limit yourself to one check in phone call, and enjoy your husband! It really will be okay! Trust me :)

This conversation has been closed to further comments

208 Comments

View replies by

Deborah - posted on 10/22/2010

1

9

0

Wait til ya have more then one, then you won't be able to wait to get out of the house. You might even think about running and never coming home! I suggest getting really drunk so you have a great time!

[deleted account]

Your Marriage has to come first and leave the baby with friends you can trust ...other moms too... baby is big enough and more easier to manage by someone ...I put my son in a day care here in Sydney even when he is 6 weeks old ...you deserve the break! You can just have at least 4 or 5 hours break and date your hubby!

Kimberley - posted on 10/22/2010

1

23

0

SETH IS 16 MONTHS AND I STILL GET ALL TEARY WHEN I LEAVE HIM ( ANYWHERE)

Patti - posted on 10/22/2010

2

0

0

You sure need some time alone. Date night is a very special time. I remember leaving my daughter the first time...I checked in often..and she was with my parents, it's just normal to feel this way. But, consider how much it will help your son. He will learn..that mommy always comes back and he will gain a trust in other people too. That may not seem like much now, but consider how he will be able to relate to other people, as he gets older. I work in the nursery at our church , and you can always tell the children who have never been without mommy. I don't know who feels worse. The child is better in a minute or two, but the poor mom sits for the next hour and worries. When they come down the child is laughing and fine and their stomach is in knotts.
So go out with your husband.!

Karen - posted on 10/22/2010

5

22

0

I was just as nervous, even leaving my daughter with my sister-in-law for a few hour.
If you have family close that can watch him I would start there. It does get easier with time.
Also talk to other moms in your area and see if the can recommend a good babysitter.

Amy - posted on 10/22/2010

5

5

0

I don't know what you can do - but your not on your own.
I always worry that if something happened while in the care of someone else and i was doing something that was necessary (to please self) then i would feel guilty for the rest of my life!
I try to tell myself that it'll be fine - but i still can't enjoy it because i'm constantly worried about them.

Helen - posted on 10/22/2010

42

6

0

Absolutely felt that that too. Its definitely normal, loads of mums go thro that feeling (and prob dads too of course). It'll lift slowly. Just a small word to look out for post natal depression as it turned out I had it for several months. Once I realised it and tried to accept it I felt more positive and the cloud did lift after several more weeks. I obviously really hope this isn't the reason for your anxiety. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 10/22/2010

5

0

0

Yeah i definately had this problem.... I was a stay at home mom with my daughter until she was almost 18mos. I had really never left her either and i caught a lot of crap from my mother about how much i held her and i'd still be holding her when she was 5. The truth is the only way to get rid of the fear is to dive into it like any other fear. Go with your gut, bring a phone and make sure the person sitting will answer your every call- and that they'd call with any questions at ALL. Make the first night a short one, like an hour at the most and everytime will get easier. No my daughter does not even like to be held all that long anymore (growing up) and it's been for about a year now. She is almost 4. I pretty much have to beg her-LOL unless she is tired. So yeah try making the first night short and then it should get easier as you go. Her first time leaving her was daycare and she screamed. I went there for the first time with her and when i heard the cry i almost couldn't. believe it or not i called a couple minutes later and there was no more crying - she had stopped. Good luck

Sarah - posted on 10/22/2010

3

17

0

Of course you feel nervous, this isn't just your favourite pair of shoes its your baby! I will say though that as much as you love spending time with your son it will do you the world of good to have some Grown Up time you dont realise how much you need it until you've had it and he needs to realise that its ok when mummy goes away for a bit because she will always come back...Go, have a date night and have fun. xx

[deleted account]

Yes, I totally understand your dilemma, even I was like that with my kids especially the very first baby of ours is the most precious and never ever want to be parted from them. That's what a mother feels. But look at Daddies they are ready to be away from a baby forever. So I used to think how can my husband do it? Well, it is called detachment which is also needed for us women in this life. Yes, it hurts your heart, but believe me earlier you practice this better of you are in handling their first day to school, first date, marriage etc. Eventually, we do need to let go of our babies however hard it is for us mothers :( but be brave and objective. Trust them and say to yourself they are safe, still love me :), they will come back to visit me when I am old, funny but that's life.....I have two kids....having other kids also makes you understand this better :)
happy mother from Bay Area.

Bonita - posted on 10/22/2010

2

0

0

My daughter is 13yrs old now. It's so hard when she has to go to field trips or visit her dad. I'm always worry. I learned how to calm down though. I think that I will always have this anxiety when she is away from me, but sooner or later you have to let go for a bit. It gets better. You need sometime for yourself and your baby will be just fine. Of course, as long as you know the person who will be taking care of him. You will learned how to trust other people other than yourself and the sooner the better. Remember that is just for a few hours. Good luck

Rena - posted on 10/22/2010

25

16

0

It is always hard as parents to leave your children with someone else, but I always think you are making the future more difficult for your child if you don't help them to be comfortable with others. The best gift you can give your child is a loving relationship with their other parent, and that requires work and "adult time" with your partner. I also think it is imperative that our children are left with someone other than Grandma and Grandpa occassionally, as a few years down the road you are going to drop them off at Kindergarten or pre-school and expect them to be comfortable with a total stranger. If you expose them to trustworthy 'strangers' they will be much more comfortable when the time comes to become independent. Our job as parents is to raise independent, confident adults... and that means letting go a little at a time. Good luck!

Tina - posted on 10/22/2010

3

11

0

As soon as I pushed my daughter out I immediately had anxiety attacks and went into a dysphoric post-partum. It took 7 months to get my meds right for anxiety which I never suffered from before, at least not like this, and I still take them 10 yrs later. With the help of my therapist. I guess the hormones got way out of whack after the baby was born. I hardly left her either, even with my mom. I couldn't sleep because I WOULD drive myself nuts, with the worrying and thinking of all the worst scenerios; BUT,. you must trust in the LORD. He loves children and will not let anything happen to your baby. Try to have fun, even if it's one hour a week. You have to think about yourself. If you have anxiety the baby DOES pick up on that. Just give the babysitter a call, to put your mind at ease. It is normal and don't be ashamed. Children are the best gifts. Again, I could be where I'm at if he wasn't for the bible and knowing GOD will protect his people and gives us peace of mind. I HOPE I helped. GOD bless. P.s. I only had one child, so I wouldn;t have to go thru this all the time. GOD gives us ONLY what we can handle, and I guess I was at my limit with one. This cruel, evil world would give anyone anxiety.

Tina - posted on 10/22/2010

74

11

3

Find someone whom you know you can trust, and pray with them about it to see if the Lord is leading you to be able to trust them fully with the child. If you can't do that, then you may need to know the Lord yourself for Salvation and grow with Him and your husband as well. That is always a good place to start. If you are active in a church or a good Christian group of some established ministry you should be able to get help there too. If not, perhaps someone from the Y, or the local Girls club ??? Do you have any neighbors that you know that you can trust with the boy, or family ? I don't know if this has been shared already or not, having come into this after the fact. Is there a local babysitters group of some kind where you live ? That may be good, perhaps from the drs. office ? A nursing pool perhaps ? As in nurses who may be able to assist you there in the finding of someone,or a caretakers agency maybe ? I am just guessing here.

Kathrine - posted on 10/22/2010

1

2

0

I have four children, and I've never left them with anyone other than family or friends that have children, no teenagers unless they're family. I don't trust anyone else. I have the same anxiety, so I sympathize. I have an 8-month-old right now, too

Carla - posted on 10/22/2010

2

19

0

My daughter is 7 months and I absolutely HATE to leave her. With ANYONE. Father, grandmas, ANYONE. I get nausaus and a little dizzy when I do leave her. It is a terrible feeling to leave her. I hope it gets better.

Meghan - posted on 10/22/2010

1

6

0

just make yourself do it! It's a natural protective urge, but it can quickly get way out of hand - preventing you from any enjoyment and any outing no matter how short. You're a good mama and baby will do just fine. Go and reconnect with that hubby. Babies will come, grow up and then at the end of it all, you want to look across the table at hubby, glad that you still know him. And to know him, you need to keep in touch now. Blessings,
Meghan

Melissa - posted on 10/22/2010

3

12

0

It is very difficult to leave your child with anyone for the first time but I think it would be good for you and your husband to have some alone time. It's good for your son too--let's him see that other people are important to you and that he is not the center of your universe (trust me, when he is older you don't want him thinking he is IT and no one else matters). If your nervous about it, try leaving your child for an hour or two with parents/grandparents/in-laws for the first date and then gradually leave him for longer. He won't be mad at you and I doubt he'll do anything dangerous in that short period of time:)

Tara - posted on 10/22/2010

1

9

0

oh i understand completly. I is very hard to leave your child and i didnt leave any of mine with anyone but my mother in law until they got older but date nite is very important if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband what i would do is talk with your husband set some rules for the babysitter like calling when he wakes up and set call times depending on how long you two will be out it is normal to have a bit of anxiety when you first leave baby but you will be surprised to find how much fun you and hubby will have and how much it was needed to have couple time too good luck and relax

Rebecca - posted on 10/22/2010

35

0

7

i know what u mean, financially i have to go back to work and i am paranoid at the thought of leaving my 24week old baby boy as i know what to do when he is stresed and hate the thought of leaving him, his dad is great with him as is my mum but they do not have the meternal instinc us mummys do to our child, so what can i say it is difficult though i have made a point of having a few hours on sunday to my self since he was 3 weeks old he goes to his nans with his daddy, this helps him to know he will be ok without me and gives me time to get used to not bein with him, and to spring clean the house!! i ring every hour though it is still difficult it is important for your littlen to learn to have time without u as god forbid if u had to go in to hospital then your child would be deverstated as he/she would not know what to do without u, so as i am try to get a period of time each week when u are not together it will make a big difference to both your lifes and no it is not easy but it does get easier good luck xx

Oluwatosin - posted on 10/22/2010

1

12

0

I kind of understand your plight. I resumed work when my first born was 9 months old, i was soo agitated that i called my mother-in-law more than 10times during the day. On my way home i was stopped by the police to check my documents; i burst out into tears that my baby was at home.
Its like that especially with first borns' but one has to leave them from time to time.
so leave him in the hands of someone you trust and do have a nice time with your husband.

Deb - posted on 10/22/2010

3

9

0

Well, it sounds very normal. Esp if you are a 24/7 mom. You have to think of your love for your husband and the need for nurturing that relationship too. It is as real a need as your baby's need. I admire your devotion to your children, and I did the same. But, the suggested date nite is ultra important. * Read your childhood stages book* and realize too that 8 mos is right about on track for your child to have full blown separation anxiety, so short stints and a familiar sitter (w whom the baby is familiar) are probably in order. Perhaps a coffee shop date. Date nite is a wholesome habit. If it cannot be done right now, keep your ears perked for the first opportunity , set a time frame, like: by Christmas for example. Church is a good place to meet moms in the nursery and they may exchange a favor for you in this regard.

Jessica - posted on 10/22/2010

3

12

0

What mother doesn't? I was away from my son for the first time when I went back to work. I comepletely trusted our friend who was watching him, but still was crying before I was out the door. Cried most of the way to work and was a basket case until my husband called to see how I was doing. Our friend who was watching him didn't mind that I called several times that day because she had two small children and understood. I don't know if the guilt ever goes away, but you and your husband need that time alone for yourselves too. Your life changes so much with that little blessing. Good luck and it will get easier!

[deleted account]

Hi - This sounds like a normal maternal reaction. I also wonder if you are generally an anxious person, and if other things cause some anxiety. If this is sort of just an isolated thing, then I think choosihng a babysitter wisely, and going out for a short period of time will help you, you can keep in touch by phone..when there is success and good feelings, then treat yourself to a longer period of time.
Thanks, Kathy

Joelle - posted on 10/22/2010

34

15

1

Very normal. I think the older they get the easier it is. I say try first couple date nights grab dinner somewhere where it wont take long and is near your home so that your gone 30-60 min. Nothing major. Then when your ready, go on longer dates (dinner and a movie). I think it's a mother instinct to keep their babies near. I wish there wasn't such a push to leave them. You'll know when its time, (like...when the terrible twos hits ;-)

Linda - posted on 10/22/2010

1

9

0

Yes, I did have the problem when raising our 3 daughters...however, as long as the person you leave him with is someone you know and/or trust, recommended, etc., you're only cheating yourself and your husband if you allow your anxiety to rule. Another thing I finally had to learn: I was NOT perfect, so why did I think that ONLY I could take care of the children? Too much "self"confidence while not believing anyone else could handle them.

Delma - posted on 10/22/2010

14

0

0

I THINK IT HAPPENS TO ALL MUMS BUT THE FIRST TIME IS THE WORSE YOU CAN ALWAYS PHONE HOME TO SATISFY YOURSELF THAT THE BABY IS FINE IT DOES GET EASIER BUT BETTER TO LEAVE BABY IN YOUR OWN TIME . IF YOU HAD AN EMERGENCY AND NEEDED TO LEAVE BABY IT WOULD BE MORE DIFFICULT FOR YOU AND BABY DO IT GRADUALLY AND YOUR CONFIDENCE WILL GROW AND ITS GOOD FOR BABY TOO. YOU NEED THIS TIME ALONE WITH YOUR PARTNER BELIEVE ME YOU AND BABY WILL BE FINE

Michelle - posted on 10/22/2010

5

4

1

honestly, I never left my son until he was 3. I worked, leaving him with my parents, but other than that, I was with him all the time. But I was single and living at home. Since you are married, you need a date night here and there. Just go for an hour dinner.

Kim - posted on 10/22/2010

2

26

0

its absolutely totally normal!! lol mine are 5 and 3 n i still hate leaving them lol but once ur out just relax knowing their with someone you trust n the fact that when u return they'll be sooooo excited to see you again! start with an hour or so here n there n build up to an evening once he's asleep maybe yeah? the one thing you dont want to do is pass ur angsieties onto ur child or else he'll grow up never wanting to be without you, which is nice lol but will be very disturbing for him once he reaches nursery/school age! get him used to it now, and you, and im sure you'll look back in no time thinking 'what was i so scared of?' .... thats what happened to me neways xxx

SJ - posted on 10/22/2010

5

0

0

just go! You need to do it to expand your comfort zone. I would say "baby steps" Go for an hour or two to start with. But always remeber that this is such a short phase of your life and it will pass really quickly. Your child will only benifit from having you with them for this time. BUT your time with your husband, just the two of you together, is sooooo very inportant to maintain a strong family unit for the little one. Good luck, but it will not kill them to leave them for a little while. Go somewhere close, go when you think they should be asleep and just expand the time as you feel more comfortable. Dont be hard on yourself for feeling so precious. It is beautiful. My husband and I left my boy with my mum for his first birthday. It was our first night away together since he was born and we rented a holiday house for the weekend. We had one of the biggest and saddest fights that we have ever had...and I think it is because we just did not communicate for that first year!!! Of course we renegotiated our relationship and came home better for it! But hang in there. It is not an uncommon situation!!!!!

Heather - posted on 10/22/2010

1

3

0

If you know the babysitter well, invite then round before hand so that they can play with your baby. It is also a nice gesture to provide a quick meal for them. This way, they are there when your baby goes to bed so if they do wake, your baby has more chance of recognising them. My other suggestion would be to just go out for an hour the first time - just a drink maybe and then you won't feel restless if you are kept waiting for a meal. Enjoy your evening whatever you decide to do.

Chantel - posted on 10/22/2010

2

6

0

I had that problem when my daughter was younger but now she is 3 and I am happy to get at least a day away from her, sometimes a weekend but thats only because I have had her all the time since she was born (bein a single parent) and feel that I need a little break now. She started going with her dad every other weekend a month ago and it has been nice to have the break but I do still miss her while I'm not with her. As time goes on, you will feel more of a need to have a small break but I think we all get anxiety when bein away from our kids for at least the first year...It gets easier but it will always be in the back of your mind if your kid is safe without you no matter what age they are.

Spring - posted on 10/21/2010

38

6

0

Take a long, slow, deep breath and exhale slowly. Now imagine you and your husband having a nice time together without any interruptions.

Becky - posted on 10/21/2010

1

0

0

My husband and I have 5 kids. I have to say that even though I understand the desire and need to get out on your "date" that this stage will pass so quickly that in the future you will be able to leave him/her more comfortably! You will know what is going on b/c he/she can tell you what happened while you were gone! I personally would never leave an infant w/ anyone but yourself! The baby sleeps, so cook your husband a steak and wine meal and enjoy. KNow that before too long your son/daughter will not want you around! Enjoy your baby!

Sylvia - posted on 10/21/2010

8

9

0

That's a very normal reaction! I'm a Grandma now, but still remember the first time my IN-LAWS baby-sat for my daughter! I was positive my baby would NOT survive without me! After all, I knew her crys, sounds, etc. I must have called home twice from the restraunt! My husband was a little irritated, but I eventually relaxed a little. When we got home, earlier than planned, we found a fed, changed, sleeping baby..happily laying on her grandpa's shoulder! Have faith...it does get better with a little time! If you have to, make the first time a short one. Run to the store to pick up a few things, without baby! Or get a haircut! Taking baby steps will get you used to the idea, that your baby will survive for a bit, without you there! At that point , you'll be able to relax and enjoy a few hours out for some ADULT time only!! Good luck,...you'll do fine!! Going out the SECOND time, will be a lot easier!!

Janna - posted on 10/21/2010

5

48

3

You and your husband need adult time away from your child and your child would benefit from being cared for by someone other than you at times. If you have someone that you trust, I would strongly encourage date nights. My experience, after 27 years of marriage, is that a marriage is worth taking care of too. Good luck and have fun!

Gabrielle - posted on 10/21/2010

1

0

0

Everyone feels that. It gets easier as the baby gets older. I would just go out and call once if the anxiety is bad. Have a good time!!

Gail - posted on 10/21/2010

1

5

0

Every Mother has that anxiety. It is however good for you and your baby as well to have some away time. He will learn to socialize better and you will have a much better mental state on those hard to handle days. Gails Daycare

Becky - posted on 10/21/2010

12

1

0

Oh yes, you and baby are bonded! I was the same way with all my babies. But start romancing your husband again to keep it all in balance. Start off with just going out for appetizers and a glass of wine... an hour max... then increase the time as you become comfortable.

Dawn - posted on 10/21/2010

25

34

0

The first time is tough, but your marriage needs it! Go on a date!!! You have their number, you know where they live...you can call and check up as much as you need to and they will call you if they need you. Go! Enjoy your time away, and come back refreshed and rejuvenated. You deserve it!

Nicole - posted on 10/21/2010

9

29

0

oh that is so sweet! i was like that, but wait till they get older...your gonna be running out the door any chance you get!! just kidding!! :) but it will get better in time....especially when you leave your baby with a trusted person, knowing that person will do anything to make sure baby is safe, warm and fed and just happy! any you and your husband need that time together, alone.

Kay - posted on 10/21/2010

3

10

0

the most important thing to tell yourself everytime you get nervous about leaving your son is to think about your husband too or your marriage i know it sounds selfish but now and then you need to spice everything up in your marriage.Try to balance everything or the other side will be left out

Kasmanique - posted on 10/21/2010

5

10

0

I have six children myself. I know how you feel. The only time they are not with me is when they are at school. There are times my husband wants to take just me out and I get terrified, so I just dont go.

Bernadette - posted on 10/21/2010

8

44

1

It isn't easy to leave your little ones at first. But you know its also nice to know you have a partner who loves you enough to want to take you out and be apart of your family life too, so try and have confidence in the person you have chosen to look after your little one. Trust your instincts. Good luck xx

Nicole - posted on 10/21/2010

10

8

0

I had trouble leaving my 1st child for the 1st time not because I didnt think she was going to be fully takin care of but, because I would miss her! I did it anyway w/ a few tears and was glad i did..It is so good for your kids to be w/ other people besides Mom and Dad and its an oppertunity for you to have YOU time! If you dont make time for yourself you will forget who YOU really are!!

Sherry - posted on 10/21/2010

1

14

0

i did to!!! i never want my time when daughter was a baby... i hated leaving her with someone... i alway wanted and still do to be with her.... now we're closer than ever and share thoughts and things together she is 23 and married i miss her so much she's in nc and i'm tn .... always enjoy them they up so fast!!!

Alexandria - posted on 10/21/2010

18

15

4

"Aint nuthin to it but to do it" That's the advice I got the first time I left my son for a few hours to have a date night. My FH's little sister babysat and she did an amazing job. She sent me pics and kept me updated and texted me if she had any questions. It was hard and I missed him so much but it was great to get out for a date. You'll be happy you did it once you do. You just gotta tell yourself that he'll be just fine. And don't be afraid to harass the babysitter. I know I did! Good luck.

Sharon - posted on 10/21/2010

5

16

0

Its normal to be afraid to leave your child with anyone, but as long as you have someone you can trust (preferably a family member whom you know very well) everything should be fine. When you go, ask the sitter to call you ONCE during the date to let you know that everything is going well (set a specific time for this). THEN GO HAVE FUN!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms