does the daughter that does not live with me get to decide who I date?

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

My daughter M is 13 and lives with her grandmother. We lost her father 7 years ago and I met a man who was a very skilled con and thief. He had conned me out of my house and money and then decided to steal a car. I was with him.He ran and having no way to support my kids I went with. We were in a different state when M was taken and I had to face the music. I am glad that part of my life is over but it resulted in M having to live with her grandmother. She is educated well, has many friends, goes to dance classes and tumbles and has many opportunities I could never give her. I am in no position to take care of her and so being with her grandmother is the best thing for her. I spent the last three years being here at her beck and call and waiting every weekend for her schedule to be free for her to see me. I started dating a man...I spend my weekends with him....It is the only time I get away from my older kids and grandkids. M who does not live with me will not even give him the time of day and has banned me from any thing she is in if I bring him. I am feeling like she is wanting me to choose and I don't think I should. I made plans with him this weekend and after plans were already made and expectations set in place because he has to drive a distance, M decides she is coming over...What do I do? My plans are already made. I know if I stay here with my adult children, I will feel resentful because the weekends are my free time and if I go there I will feel guilt....What do I do?


Michelle - posted on 03/04/2016




So you have your older children and Grandchildren around but not your youngest. I can see why she is making you choose between her and a man.
When I first read the title I was ready to tell you that no, a child doesn't decide who you date but reading the background I've changed my response.
If you want any sort of relationship with her you will put her before any man. It doesn't matter if you have made plans or not, your children come first.
I was like that when I was dating but I have shared custody. Many men didn't last because they hated that they were 2nd best to my children. A man worth keeping will understand if you have to change or postpone plans at the last minute for your children. If he doesn't then he should be dating anyone with children.


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/04/2016




She should be your priority, not an afterthought.

After your past, do you blame her for this?

Jodi - posted on 03/03/2016




" I am feeling like she is wanting me to choose"

Of course she is making you choose. You have demonstrated quite clearly to her that you won't choose her. After all, if she were your priority, she would still be living with you. And guess what? You'd have to choose then too. Ultimately, you chose to bring this child into the world. It is your JOB to step up for her. It sounds to me like rather than building a relationship with a new man, you should focus on your relationship with your daughter.

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