Don't know whether to leave my partner! Have 2 young girls....

Happydays - posted on 12/26/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




Sorry for the long essay......I have a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old - 2 gorgeous girls. I've been with my partner about 5 years, we fell pregnant by accident shortly after we got engaged.
We don't have a happy relationship. When I met him I was 30 and he was 42 and although we got along great as friends I never saw him as my future husband. I feel he pushed his way into my life but I guess I let him. I felt I was getting old (!!!!!! I was only 30 I shouldn't have been panicking) and desperately wanted kids. It was convenient for him to move in, but I never felt completely "right" about getting engaged I don't think. When I fell pregnant I cried and it was a huge decision to have the baby, although of course I don't know what I would do without her now. All I've ever wanted to be is one happy family but we just don't get a long now. Before we got engaged he told me he had $300,000 in the bank and we could buy a house. Because of that I did think we had the financial stability to bring a child into the world. We looked for houses when I was pregnant, and put an offer on a house that I fell in love with. Now I know why it seemed a struggle to get him to look and put an offer in - the offer was accepted but when it came time to settle there was no money in his bank and it all fell through! I was absolutely devastated (and 7 months pregnant) and have never really gotten over it. He always kept his finances secret and I feel lied about the money (he says he was owed the money but it has never come through and he hasn't chased it ). Now I realise he's bad with money - has lots of debt and doesn't pay bills so I have had to take over the finances which he isn't happy about. He has a decent job and we rent a fairly decent house and I just wanted to keep working on the relationship. He is a good man in a lot of ways. A great Father, doesn't drink, doesn't abuse me physically or mentally. We were getting along fine for a while and doing better financially because I could work which is why I fell pregnant with my 2nd but soon after learned of more debts that he had :( I just don't respect him whatsoever and we simply don't get along anymore. Disagree on so many things. I want to go to couples counselling but he doesn't. I think we had sex once after we conceived the last baby and I don't think we'll ever have se again.
My huge dilemma is should I separate?!?! It's really all I think about doing and I've always been one to say not to stay together for the sake of the children and that they are better off when you are separate and happy rather than together and unhappy. But it means we will have to move to a small, old apartment to financially cope and I will have to work while the baby is young (I do work a little now but I will have to work more). It also means they will see him less and he will be devastated.
I know he is happy to keep living together and get along with me but I can't stand him! It churns my stomach! Do I need to just get over my anger at him and get along for a few more years till the girls are both at school and I can get out and work more? I realise I put myself into this situation so I have to deal with it. Or should I make the plunge now and get out and move on? He is so good around the house though - helps out with dinner, the housework, putting them to bed etc. On one hand I really do feel like a fool for leaving and I feel selfish because life will be harder on the girls. But I am angry all the time and I know that's not good either! SO CONFUSED!


Ariana - posted on 12/27/2012




I'm going to start off saying I am a child of divorce, and I also have a son who has a 'non' father. I believe if you need a divorce you should get one. An unhappy home with two parents can be just as bad as a divorced family. You shouldn't stay with someone out of guilt.

That being said divorce effects children in horrible ways. There is no getting around it. When you married this man, that was one thing, if you had this problem with no kids I'd say let him loose now. BUT you have children involved. Once you slept with this man and had kids you have an obligation to those children to do whatever you can to keep this relationship together. You need to know that you have gone through every avenue, every corner, to make this thing work. And I don't mean, tough it out for another year and go 'it's so bad I just can't take it!'. I mean you need to get some help.

My advice? First of all talk to him. I'm not saying you should explain how you think he 'forced' his way in etc, but tell him you don't really feel happy in this situation right now. You are not happy with your marriage right now.

I also advise you get a councellor, a personal councellor along with a couples councellor for the both of you. You need to find a counceller TOGETHER so that it's not you finding someone who will agree with whatever you say, or him finding someone who will agree with everything he says. Find someone who is neutral (as councellors should be) who can help the two of you work on ways to make this relationship work. Find your own councellor who can help you see, by youself, how you can make your life more fulfilling, how you can get past these feelings and deal with any past greivances.

Your childrens future is potentionally at stake. Like I said, I come from a home of divorce, and I'm glad my parents divorced because they fought all the time and were unhappy, but even so, as a young child it effected me greatly. Young children cannot understand what's going on and most of them WILL blame themselves, whether you like it or not. Divorce is there so people can get out of bad situations, not an easy way out of a relationship you just don't like anymore.

Like I said, you need to get yourself a councellor and couples councellings, you need to talk to this man. You made a commitment to him, and a commitment for your children, to be married. If you go to councelling, you talk things out, you soul-search, and you're still angry, you're still unhappy, you may ultimately decide divorce is the way to go.

If that happens having a councellor around who's dealing with you and your husband on a regular basis can help facilitate a divorce that will, hopefully, not devestate your children. You and him will have gone through every avenue and you'll be able to know that you've done what you could.

Once again, do not take that as, 'if I act like I'm working on it but secretly think it's going to fail, but put in the time I can just leave but tell myself I did what I could'. Don't self-sabotage, put everything into this.

Oh and if you get a couples councellor and they're just awful, don't give up, find another one. Take relationship classes, talk to your husband DO SOMETHING. Right now you're in a rut and you need to get out, you need to let him know there's an issue, and get communication open. Talking to someone will air out your old issues, current issues, and hopefully help you two connect.

About him not wanting to go to couples councelling, tell him that you are having communications difficulties and you WILL be seeing a councellor, and WILL be contacting a couples councellor and seeing them. If he doesn't wish to participate in that, then he isn't going to get a choice in the changes you're going to be making in this relationship. You're going to be going once a week (or w/e) whether he goes with you or not. Get a babysitter, leave the house and go to the appointment, he can come if he wants to or not. I would also explain to him that you are at a break in the road and he's either going to come help you with the solution, or be part of the problem. You're going with or without him. Then leave it at that.

Give him the opportunity to be a part of the process, tell him you want to find someone together. If he refuses, like I said, explain you will find one, and be seeing one, and if he chooses to join you and work on your relationship that's wonderful. Talking to someone will greatly help YOU figure out what to do, and they may be able to find a way to get him involved if you speak to them. Don't say 'he doesn't want to so I can't' take action! This is YOUR marriage and he needs to find a way to help fix the issues going on.

Oh and don't kid yourself that 'they will see him less'. When you put yourself out there for the court systems you don't know WHO is going to see them less. You could end up having them, yes, or he could, or you could get joint custody, or who knows what. This isn't the age where women automatically get the kids, I know people who have divorced and have had joint custody (both saying they deserve to have the kids full-time etc.). Just warning you.


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Happydays - posted on 12/28/2012




Ariana, thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply in such detail. You have great advice and I will take it on board and find a Counsellor for myself and for us as a couple and hopefully he will be willing to come along. You have given me the kick in the butt that I need.
Thank you again

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