Falling Apart

Keenan - posted on 06/19/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )




Hello, I am here because I need help. I don't even know where to start. I am engaged to the most amazing man in all of creation, he is just the best ever. We met 9 years ago but neither one of us were ready for a relationship, we were finishing college so we never made it official. While separated, he had a sexual relationship with one of his classmates which ended in them conceiving a child. We started dating the year the child was born (4 years ago). He and the mother have never been in a romantic relationship & she is now married with another child.
Now, I am having trouble connecting with his child. In the beginning it wasn't hard for me. We would take her on the weekends and I actually bonded with her faster than he did, but it has changed. I feel jealous whenever she is around, (we get her all summer and on winter holiday as well) I feel physically upset. We are having trouble making a child of our own and I feel so angry and envious. I know it is childish but I can't help but think, why does he have a child with someone that he never loved, but not with me? Maybe it never bothered me in the beginning because I figured we had time but at 31, it is starting to wear on me.
His child is so very beautiful, she looks exactly like him and every time I look at her I am so, so, hurt. And the way he looks at her, with such awe, like she is the most amazing thing (she is the MOST amazing thing, I get that) but it just crushes me. Creating another life is the most awesome thing you can do as a human being, it is killing me inside that we cannot do this together but he can and did with someone else. That we are not sharing those moments together but he is experiencing them already just pains me. That I can share the joy of parenting with him but I never truly feel part of it is just too much to carry. Whenever she is around, I withdraw, hide myself away, and just try to deal until she leaves. I know this is wrong. I know it is wrong to make him suffer while she is here, or by making him feel bad about fathering an amazing child.
I don't want this relationship to end over his child or my inability to deal with that child, that is so horrible. I come from and single parent family and I wouldn't want someone to give up my Mom because they couldn't deal with me, so how can I do it to him? I don't know what to do. He says this is the reason why we are not married because of my actions and understand him. He said to put myself in his shoes and I understand, I really do, but how can I stop what I am feeling? What can I do? I have tried to snap out of it, but I just cannot do it. My life is falling apart around me. I am losing him & any chance that I may have at being a Mom. Please help me.


[deleted account]

First off, I know that took courage to type! It is wonderful that you can be this honest with yourself about the way you feel.

Second, I don't think you should leave the relationship. I think that what you're feeling toward his daughter is directly related to your inability to conceive right now. The emotions that come with infertility are more painful and more confusing than anyone who hasn't been through it can comprehend. You said you bonded with the little girl, and you know she is an amazing child--make sure that as her dad's SO you helped shape her into what she is. Even if you are not her biological mom, you are still a strong female figure in her life--try to tap into the pride you can feel for being there for her.

Of course, that may not be enough. You might consider family counseling to help blend your family. It is VERY common for engaged couples in relationships where children are involved to go through a "Blending Families" course of counselling--it doesn't mean anything is wrong, but it makes the transition so much easier for both the kids and the adults involved. We seem to think that it should come naturally because we are in love, but the reality is that we seldom just magically bond and get along with our new family. Learning how to interpret each other's moods, actions, and emotions can help tremendously.

Lastly, have you addressed the issue with your fiance? Perhaps some individual counseling to help you cope with your own emotions concerning your infertility would help a lot. How far into the process are you? At 31, you are still young, you still have hope, but it would help a lot to have someone to talk to. After all--this is a tumultuous time for you--you're engaged, so you've got wedding planning to do, you've got to worry about your relationship with both your fiance, his child, and his extended family, and you're trying to have a baby, which is another huge life change! My goodness your emotional plate is FULL! I'm really surprised at how together you sound in your post, so you should be proud of your strength so far, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Jessica - posted on 06/19/2013




I am going to relate more to your fiancé, as I have a 8 year old and a boyfriend that doesn't have a close relationship. I do not believe my boyfriend has jealousy issues, but he definitely doesn't have the patience and love for children that I do, we also do not agree on discipline and so forth. I hope that what I say can help...even if I might not understand what you feel. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if what you are feeling is normal...blended families are so very hard to deal with. I have a feeling that what you are feeling has more to do with your insecurities than your feelings for the child. You said you are struggling to make of child of your own, this is not a reflection of you I hope you understand...No one thinks anything different of you because of that. On that note however, it is also no ones else fault that you are struggling getting pregnant. This is what I suggest...talk with a therapist, family therapist. "My life is falling apart around me. I am losing him and any chance that I may have at being a mom" This statement causes me concern that you are struggling with depression...the depression is most likely the problem. You do not need HIM to be a mom, he and his child can not make you happy. Only you can make yourself happy. Find a therapist, talk to your doctor about depression and anxiety...sometimes depression and anxiety can create feelings that have nothing to do with anything...but you just attach yourself to those feelings and believe they are real. You may even need to take a break, and spend some quality time working on you...trust me, you do not want to rush into marriage and children with anyone until you have dealt with these issues. Your fiancé wants you to put yourself in his shoes, and you should, but he needs to do the same as well and should be willing to go to therapy with you. Also, stressing yourself out could be to cause for pregnancy difficulties...You are already doing good since you are being honest with yourself, just get some help (maybe medication!) and I think things will look up.


View replies by

Jessica - posted on 10/16/2013




So I know I'm a few moths behind but how is everything going? Have things been getting better? I would respond to your original post but it is probably too late to have any affect.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms