First time pregnancy-big decisions!

Ashlee - posted on 07/22/2016 ( 2 moms have responded )




I'm struggling emotionally, and I feel like the only way to go about it is to explain the whole situation. Sorry for the vent: I'm in a tough place in my life right now. I've only been married for 5 months and it has been the most difficult time in my life. My background story is pretty complicated and seems extremely dramatic when I say it out loud, but I am far from a dramatic person, and it has become overwhelming. I am only 22 years old and I met my husband only a year ago. He was fresh out of a 9 year relationship to a woman whom he was engaged to and has a 2 year old son with. He is also older than I am at 30 years old. To some people these things may already seem like a lot of baggage, especially for someone at my age, but they never seemed to bother me in the beginning. His son and his ex-fiance both live in Arizona, while we live in California. My husband's son comes and stays with us for one week out of every month, and I've never had to come in contact with his ex or even meet her. So for the most part, there has been little conflict, besides her openly not liking me for the obvious reason of our quick relationship after theirs. My husband and I (then my boyfriend) quickly began talking about our futures together. He made it very clear to me that one day he would like to live closer to his son but he would never push me into living somewhere that I didn't want to live, and I accepted that. I told him I would be willing to relocate, BUT I had some requirements, as well as a time frame. I am still a college student, in pursuit of my teaching credential. My career and independence is EXTREMELY important to me. He knew I still have several years (3-4) before completing my bachelor's degree, credential program, and student teaching. I also told him one of my requirements were that I want to have my first child at home with my family. Those are things that I won't budge on. He supported what I wanted and agreed that my conditions were okay with him, and never made any objections. I even explained that I didn't want to be married or have kids until either I was completely done with my schooling or very close. That would have given me about 3 years to finish school, time to get married, and time to have children before we moved and spent the rest of our lives in another state. In my mind, we had 4-5 years to build our relationship and start a family and successful future, with good careers before relocating. Life happens, and none of those things went as planned. 9 months after we began dating, I got pregnant. (I wasn't irresponsible, I got pregnant while on birth control) Four months later we had a quick wedding. It was beautiful and perfect, and I was so happy despite the change of plans. AND so in love with my husband. Immediately at the news of my pregnancy, I said my schooling is still priority for the sake of our future and our new child's future. I was completely aware that this was going to be a difficult challenge of completing school with an infant, but I always believed it was possible. Especially, because all of our family lives in the area and EVERYONE offered to help in any way to allow us to complete our goals. Now, I am 7 months pregnant, and our world has been rocked once again. My husband's son was recently diagnosed with mild autism. The news is devastating for everyone, but obviously more so for my husband. His reaction was that we need to up and move RIGHT now to be close to his son. He wants me to leave my home, my family, our support system, my schooling, put my career plans on hold, all while pregnant or with a newborn baby. On one hand, I understand where he is coming from. If it were my son who was diagnosed, I would want to be near him too. On the other hand, my gut tells me it is not what is best for me or my future daughter. If I leave now, I can't give my daughter the future that I think she deserves. I will either have to put my life on hold, and become a 100% stay at home first-time mom in a place where I don't know a single person, have no idea what I'm doing, and will have no help (my husband works a lot and is rarely home) and will not have a career or completed degree to support my family. OR I will have to put my newborn baby into child care, take out $30,000 in loans to pay out of state schooling fees, and have no time with my baby because it is likely I will have to work part time as well to afford child care. It also completely breaks my heart to take away my new baby from all her family, mine and his, who live here. I can't imagine a life for my child that doesn't include her regularly seeing her grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I do see how my wants may be selfish, but I can't help the way I feel. This difference between my husband and I has caused a HUGE stress load as well as put a distance between us. In the time of one year, I became a girlfriend, moved out of my parents home for the first time, got pregnant, got engaged, got married, became a step mom, and became a step mom to an autistic boy, all at the age of 22. My husband does not see how this is overwhelming for me. I love my husband so much, but this is not the life I chose. I am trying to find my place in this future of ours but I can't figure out what my role would me. There is absolutely no stability. My husband's ex constantly talks about moving to all sorts of places. It started out with her saying they were moving to Oregon, then it was Washington, then Colorado, then San Diego, Arizona, and now she is saying San Francisco. It is always changing, and every time a new place comes up my husband expects me to just be along for the ride and agree to live the rest of my life wherever his ex decides to go. Well what about my daughter's life, my career, our family, school, and any sort of stability? I feel as though I am just a pawn being dragged around in my husband and his ex's life. I am expected to have no say in my future, and whenever I try to voice my opinion, I become the evil one who isn't supportive. I am so torn and feel stuck at what I should do in this situation.


Michelle - posted on 07/23/2016




You've said he has been diagnosed with mild autism. It's not a terminal illness and he has had it forever, he's only just been diagnosed.
I think everyone is over reacting and you all need to just step back and breathe.
Dove is right, you have chosen this path in life, the moment you got involved with someone who had children meant that your life won't go to "plan".
If your husband wants to be near his son then why doesn't he move out there for a bit. You don't have to be joined at the hip, he can go and visit his son.
Did he move away from his Son or did the Mother move his Son away?


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Dove - posted on 07/22/2016




*this is not the life I chose

Technically... it is. It may not have been intentional, but the choices you have made by being w/ a man who already has a child and then procreating w/ him have led you directly to the position you are in now. I don't have any answers for you, unfortunately, because this is a sticky, messy situation all around. You love and want to be w/ this man and both of his children deserve to have him closely and actively involved in their lives. Good luck!

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