First time step mom


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Raye - posted on 08/14/2015




I am a step-mom of two. If you are not married to the father, then you are not the step-mom. You are the father's girlfriend, and an adult friend to the child. That doesn't mean that you should be treated with disrespect, because I would hope the plan would be for you to marry someday. If you are married to the child's father, then by law you are the step-mom.

Being a step-mom (or parental figure to the child) is not a replacement for the mother. If you are trying to fill in and overstep your position, then I can see maybe why your man would want you to back off. The biological parents should set the guidelines for how the child is raised, and you should respect their wishes and try to help guide the child according to the parent's wishes. That doesn't mean you get no say. You can talk to your man about things you feel might work better (in private where the child can't hear), but ultimately it's his decision since it's his child.

That being said, if you are supervising the kid while the parent is not there, then you need to have authority to keep the child in line. Your man should back you up so the kid knows that any instruction coming from you should be followed as if it came from him. You are not blood, but you are a parental figure that the child should respect. Personally, I don't think the child should be left with you if the father is working for more than a couple hours. If it's supposed to be his visitation time, then it is supposed to be for HIM to develop relationships with his child, not you. If he's not even there, then the visitation is wasted and should be rescheduled to a time when he is available.

As far as not attending events, I'm not sure what kind of events you mean. Should you go to parent-teacher conferences... probably not. Should you go to doctor appointments... probably not. Should you go to sports events where the child is on the team... I think yes. You need to show support for the child and their achievements. Should you go to their birthday parties... yes. You should celebrate with them.

If the father is excluding you in order to keep the mother from being hateful, then there's some gray area there. If he's doing it to spare you from her, then let him know you'll have your big-girl panties on and not let her get to you. If he's doing it to spare the ex, then he needs to have a talk with her about her negativity and how it affects the child. You are the one he has chose to share his life, so the ex needs to get over it. The child needs to not be caught in the middle or be forced to choose who he can love or who loves him.

MaryAnn - posted on 08/13/2015




How new are you to the child? How long have you been with his father? Are you married? Are there other problems going on here? Are there issues with the sons mother and your husband that would make him not want you there for his son? I'm not understanding. All i can see is that you believe one thing, and a man believes another thing, and you're... upset? I'm certainly not seeing anything anyone here can help you wih without more details.

Rebecca - posted on 08/13/2015




My husband says I'm not his sons step mom I'm their adult friend also should not attend and fuctions that's his son has cause I'm not blood .I have his kids evert wknd while he works is he wrong?

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