
Trish - posted on 03/16/2015 ( 2 moms have responded )
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Hi,
I'm hoping someone out there can help me figure out how to encourage my niece Alex to make friends. She's smart and a sweet girl but is not very sociable, probably because she's been to 13 schools and is just now finishing 7th grade. She's making As and Bs and just got accepted into a better school for next year; the school she's in now is full of kids that don't try and/or don't care.
The problem is, she doesn't seem interested in making new friends. She was raised in an only child environment where her mother discouraged her from having friends over or visiting her friends' homes. Due to family circumstances she cannot visit with ANY members of the family without me supervising. I'm applying to be her foster mother and hope to eventually adopt her, but right now I'm the only in-person "friend" she has. This isn't a healthy situation for either of us but I don't know what to do about it. She has friends on social media but seems completely uninterested in doing anything but hanging around the house talking to me. I love her dearly but she needs friends her own age (and I need some "me" time back).
I never had children; I love them but was always happy being an aunt. However, I love Alex and want to help her. As summer approaches I'm wondering what I can do to encourage her to get out and meet people and prepare for a new school year. Unfortunately I'm not a religious person and do not attend church, and there are no kids her age in my inner-city neighborhood of small old Tudor homes. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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Rebekah - posted on 03/16/2015
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It sounds like she has had so many transitions, that it is probably hard for her to even want to put the effort into new social relationships, or trusting others. Everything has been so temporary. I suspect it will take time for her to come around to this... but it is important for you to continue to role model healthy relationships for her and encourage her to build her own. She is lucky to have you.
Do you visit with YOUR friends on a regular basis? Show her how you benefit from having those connections, and how you invest yourself in those relationships to keep them going. Model for her how to do that. Do you have any friends with daughters her age that you could help her to network with?
Can you invite some of her social media friends (or friends from former schools) to come over and spend real time? (if they are decent friends, of course)
Although you are not religious, is Alex? If she has had some background there, would you support that, if she would be interested in attending a church youth group, for example?
Is there somewhere that you could volunteer together that would get her out of the house and interacting with others, where she might be able to form new social connections? My son and I volunteer at a local animal shelter once a week, and there are always other kids there of various ages. There are a lot of various places that utilize volunteers... you'd have to find something you are both interested in. And if she's willing to do one on her own, that's great too. Summer is coming...there are a lot of day camps out there that need help (as a junior staff, kind of thing). Does she like kids, or have a certain skill that she could share in a setting like that?
Are there any extracurricular clubs at school that appeal to her?
The other thing that I'm thinking is that she might benefit from counseling, if she isn't already receiving it. I don't know the circumstances, but it sounds like she has been through a lot... and has lost a lot. She seems to be hanging on to you because you are her sole family and support... and you feel "safe" to her. And while its awesome that she wants this bond with you, she may need extra help processing the emotions she may be having, and need some professional guidance in how to trust again, and be open to seeking out new relationships. She needs to know, also, that you can't be her only source of support... it is healthy and necessary to have a variety of supports and relationships. She needs strength to get there.
good luck... and blessings to you for being there for her when she needed you.