From stay at home mom to single mom...

Veronica - posted on 07/04/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )




My hubby of almost 12 years decided he was no longer in love with me and decided to end the relationship. I've been a stay at home mom since we married and had our first child who is now 10. We also have a recently turned 1 year old. I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that he has moved on already and am left with how to take care of my kiddos. With no job experience whatsoever I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Or even a virtual hug since I'm an emotional wreck right now. Thank you ladies. :)


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Ev - posted on 06/29/2016




I also know what it is like to be in your shoes after so long being married to someone and have them suddenly decide they do not love you anymore and want out.

To Cara: You do have some good insight for not having any experience in this. You are right in need to get out there and finding something to get started. Having the kids get into after school activities is good but she also has a 1 year old and that one can not go to school activities which means a babysitter.

To Deanie: I am going to post a few things below these that are for her but you might get some ideas too. Do not think that you are ever at this man's mercy. You need to get custody, child support and visitation worked out and that means he will have to continue to provide money to support those kids your yours.

To Alfred: I agree she needs to see how beautiful she is but sexy has nothing to do with it. Beauty should come from the inside not just the outside. And dressing professionally or even in business casual is best for job interviews and such not sexy. She needs to find the one thing she feels she is good at and go for it. And contact information should not be left on here in the open forum for all to see as it is a safety issue for you; so please take it out and do not put the email up again for your safety.

First for Veronica and Deanie--I know exactly how it feels for the husband to walk off after such a long time of marriage. I was married to my ex for 12 years and he said it was the best 12 years of his life. Then shortly after that he changed. A 180 spin to what he had been up to our 12th anniversary. Within a month or so he was not the man I had known and married. I did not understand his aggressive and angered behavior towards me. I did not know what I had done or said to have him act this way. And it lasted several months past Christmas and into the first couple months of the new year. In March of the new year we (kids and I) had gone to church and come home and I found that he had moved out to his parents (they lived next door to us). He would not tell me why he was wanting out. He did not even want to talk to me. I was lost and not sure what to think. I called the first person I knew that had already been through this and was my best friend. And she could not believe this was happening and so she talked me through a lot of things. I felt numb, hurt, wanting to cry, wanting to scream....whatever you can think of I more than likely felt or went through.

The next few weeks were critical. I had been a stay at home mom off and on during our 12 plus years together. At this moment I was a stay at home mom. I did not know much of what my next moves would be so I got some help from my sister, parents and friend. First things, I made copies of all documents such as income taxes and other records that we both had names on. I even made copies of his cell phone records because I had discovered he had been calling another woman a lot and did not know if that would be of use to me or not. Second, I got a lawyer retained that my sister used because I had also found out that he had gone and retained a lawyer. Third, I had to find a job. Fourth, I also had to find a new place to live because I did not know how much longer his parents would allow me to stay on their land where our trailer sat.

So for the third and fourth things I got some help from my sister in that. She told me of a job at a MCDonalds and I went and applied and got hired on the spot. Job taken care of. Not the best job in the world but at least I had my foot in the door. My sister also got me help in getting an apartment in a place she had lived in before and I moved in there in less than a couple weeks with the kids. She helped me get furniture for it, my parents helped me move to it, and I got set up.

I had also sought the help of one of the pastors in the church I was a member of. He did meet me one time at the church. It did help but when I went back to talk to him or tried to I was told he had left. Out of all the pastors there, he was the only one who tried. I ended up going back to my home church and transfering my membership back. They were very much there for me for the entire process.

So now I get to the divorce and custody. My ex had filed before me and we went to court for temp custody. I am not going into too much here on it just suffice to say that the judge was not thrilled with either of us for certain things but she was not clearly thrilled with how he was especially when she had been presented with those cell phone bills and made her judgement for me for temp full custody and he had to pay child support. She also stated that if either of us had trouble getting kids back and forth we could have family such as grandparents, aunts or uncles or other responsible adults to deliver the kids but not "an internet honey."

The next three months I had to get things together to try to keep the kids with me. We had an ad lietem for the kids who did her interviews, home visits, and other things before we would convene at the end of August to meet for the final divorce and custody hearing. Just before that my ex and his lawyer had decided to offer me a joint custody with my ex as primary care/residence and we both had legal say in all matters. At first I did not want to do that because that meant giving up the one thing I had left in the world: my kids. I had not cried or been too emotional for about 6 months by this point. I was devestated that he would do such a thing to me but I think now it was he did not want to pay child support to me anymore and this was his way out of it. I finally cried for the first time in months. It is a feeling that tears you apart when that comes your way. I could not fight him for custody and I did not have that much money. My lawyer told me to think of it in one way---he would get to learn what it was like to have to find babysitters, loose days at work if the kids got suddenly sick, have to care for them at home daily, and all sorts of things mothers do without second thought. Granted he knew how to cook, clean and care for the kids but I did the vast majority of it during the marriage and he had did it a handful of times for no more than a day here or there totally. I know he did one week because he had taken time off to do so for certain reasons but one week out of 12 plus years? I think you get the picture. Anyway, after much thought, I decided to agree to let him have primary residence/care because of the fiances and most importantly because I did not want my kids to have to suffer more than they had been already and for their peace of mind and a bit of stability. I had not ever felt so bad in my whole life. I had hit rock bottom and say no way out of the pit. But I did work my way through it, I had support, I had love behind me, I had my church family with me, and most important of all I had my kids. We were already so bonded before all this happened that it carried on through the divorce and custody issues. We are close close.

My point in sharing this is that you have to figure out what you need to do and do it. Get that job, file for custody, child support and visitation, and divorce if need be. Find a good family law lawyer. Make sure to have a great support system. And do not be afraid of doing things that at the moment seem harder than anything you have ever done before because they will be but do them if you have to. And if dad gets the kids--do not dis-pare....fighting for the kids makes it harder on them and it is not the end of the world. Do what you can with the time you have and most importantly make sure the kids know they are loved.

Did I want to get my kids? Yes, I did. But again, I did not have the finances to do so. And I could not put them in the middle of custody battles all the time either. They understood that to a point. I might not have had majority of the custody and that did not make me a bad mom. I just made the choices I had to for their well being.

I hoped this has helped some. You can send me messages via here if you want to. I understand how this feels and how this goes. It is not an easy thing to deal with but you can. It takes time and a lot of patience. I wish you well.

Deanie - posted on 09/20/2014




Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. I hope he has the kids welfare and security in mind when he left. Is he helping support the family? I'm kinda in the same boat. Except, I asked my husband to go. We have been married 13 years and we've known eachother over half our life. I have 4 children ages 14, 13, 9, & 1 yr. My estranged husband is fine with being separated. Now he doesn't have to play by the rules of a grown up relationship. Hes now 40 and living with his parents. At least he's helping with finances and seeing the kids regularly. Maybe it doesn't sound so tough, but I'm at his mercy. He could cut the funds at any time. Then what?!?! Ive been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Its a scary mess. Some days are good and some are bad. Then I think of how this will effect my kids. What are they learning? I just try to keep as positive as possible, and make sure they know they are loved by both parents!

Cara - posted on 07/04/2014




My love and hugs should be with you right now xxx I am not and expert on hubby's or love relationships but my advice is start by putting them in cheep after school clubs and start by being a learner in a café for example then slowly but surely you will work your way up and if you have degrees out yourself out there coz if you don't u will never no xx

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