granddaughter thinks she is transgender

Eileen - posted on 08/20/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )




My granddaughter was the typical little girl. Growing up she was a peewee cheerleader, took dance, all the little things a girl does. Her mother and step dad are alcoholics and drug abusers. Calls to cps did nothing. Last year her mother and step dad separated due to physical abuse which my granddaughter witnessed all her young life. Then after several months they got back together and moved to a city 90 miles away. They pulled her from her school which she was doing very well in. She is a A-B student and in the band. She placed 5th in her regional contests. After starting her new school she called my son, her father, and begged him to "rescue her". After her attempting suicide, he hired an attorney and got emergency custody for 6 months and will go to court in November. He put her in counseling. Now all of a sudden she has decided she is transgender. She insists on buying boy clothes and wants my son to call her male names and pronouns. She says she hates having periods and hates having large breasts. She is a D cup since the age of 12. She is now 14. We are all floored! Never expected any of this and she has never roll played as a boy. The group of kids she hangs out with are apparently gay, transgender, and/or bi sexual. She's played on the internet all her young years. She constantly stays on her cell phone or computer. She's began lying. She's very emotional and cries if you start tying to have a conversation with her. We don't know what to do as this is such a shock. Is it her friends? Is it the internet? Has something happened to her as a child that she wont tell us about so she can begin the healing process? She goes to a counselor which was recommended by his attorney. But now she is giving her books to read on transgender. Im afraid this is encouraging her in a certain direction. The attorney says now that the law has approved gay marriage, we cant say anything to her about her sexuality or he could end up loosing custody at the final hearing. I love my granddaughter more than life and I want her to be a successful adult. Im afraid she is in for a ruff next few years. It tears my heart in half. I don't know what to do and neither does my son. Don't get me wrong. We do have family members that are gay and I love them as well. Im not homophobic. I just don't know if my granddaughter is acting out because she has had such a crappy upbringing. BTW my son has never gotten to live with her as a parent because when my ex daughter in law became pregnant she asked my son for a divorce and said she was pregnant with someone else's child. But paternity tests said otherwise when my granddaughter was born. Ive read a lot of other sites where parents say their children were okay until the kids started getting on Tumbler.


Renee - posted on 10/01/2015




Eileen, I hope my comment reaches you since you posted over a month ago. I understand what you are going through. My 16 year old daughter told us about 6 months ago that she is transgender. The news hit us hard as well since it came out of the blue. She has always been a very emotionally sensitive child, been bullied as a result, and felt "different." Going through puberty has not been welcome to her either. She has on and off exhibited depression and anxiety. Just prior to "coming out" she started talking a lot about Tumblr, which I found out later is populated with a mind-boggling amount of teens claiming to be transgender. She has also admitted to watching a lot of FTM (female to male) transition videos on Youtube.

I have learned that there is a definite sharp increase (documented in scientific research), especially in female teens, to seek out medical transition in first world countries. The contact our teens have had with internet communities (Tumblr, Youtube, and reddit) are cited often by parents as helping to convince their teens that changing their gender would make their problems go away.

I am not sure that I can link to other websites in this comment, but there are a lot of concerned parents/people in our same situation congregating on the 4thWaveNow wordpress blog. She is a mother of a teenaged girl herself that wants to transition. She analyzes research data, has guest posts by other mothers, doctors, detransitioned women, etc. It has been a sanity-saver for me to find this group. I wish you well and hope that your granddaughter gets the help she needs.

Eileen - posted on 08/21/2015




Thank you Raye for responding. That makes me feel a little better. I dont mind her wearing boy clothes because at her age I was also a tomboy and boys jeans fit me better. She says shes not gay. She says she wants to be a boy but also wants boyfriends. She has me thoroughly confused. To me that is gay. I just dont understand. I think she is as confused as I am. However we have long talks and I always tell her I love her no matter what she decides. Ive explained she has to give me time to adjust because one day shes a girly girl and then the next day she decides she transgender. Im pretty sure most of this has come from the internet. I am blocking certain sites on the computer and on her cell phone. If shes really transgender then this wont affect her but if this is just a fad then maybe she will reconsider her decision one day. I just wonder since this is happening to so many young kids today if it could be related to all the food that has hormones in it. Ive read where they believe the extra hormone is causing children to mature much earlier that they should like their periods and breasts. Plus now the seeds they use to plant crops are genetically engineered so as to produce more food than usual. Are we ruining this youg generation growing up? This really worries me. I know as a kid of the 50's and 60's we did things that worried our parents but today the worrisome things are so much more serious!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/20/2015




Ditto Raye. With one addition: If she is expressing in counseling that she feels transgender, then it is up to the counselor to help her with that. Don't take the counselor to task for doing their job.


View replies by

Jace - posted on 01/31/2016




Hey, my name is Jace and I am not a mom, I'm a child who is transgender male. You have a grandson, not a granddaughter and his upbringing was most likely not why he came out as transgender. I noticed that you mentioned Tumblr, a website I happen to be on! Tumblr is a blogging community for teens and young adults that happens to have a tendency to teach people about being transgender and the like, so if he is on Tumblr it isn't unlikely that it played a role in him coming out. Being transgender is in no way a decision, it is just a fact and it plays a huge toll on emotions because sometimes it makes you feel useless and trapped in this body that is truly not you.
As a transgender man, all I ask of you is to treat your grandson for what he happens to be, which is a man.
By the way, his use of electronics is just a teenager thing, don't worry about it.

Raye - posted on 08/20/2015




Well, it could be that she actually is transgender, and having these new friends have allowed her to feel better about "coming out". If she didn't know there was a way to feel "normal" by acting like a boy, then she may have repressed it all previously hoping to gain acceptance from her parents for being the "good girl" she's supposed to be. If she's in a stable environment in your home, she may feel more comfortable expressing her "true" self.

On the flip-side, she could be confused and think that being "different" is the only way to fit in with her new friends and gain acceptance at the new school. She has had a rough time in her childhood without proper role models, and may not know how to stand up for herself against this new environment.

Either way, here's what I suggest....
If her real name is one that has a more gender neutral nickname (like Pat for Patricia), then go ahead and call her the nickname. If she wants to be called something completely different, tell her that she can have her friends call her that at school if she wants. But until she is an adult and living completely as the opposite gender, then you're going to call her by her given name, or just by "sweetie" or something like that.

Of course she hates periods, what girl loves them? It is part of being a girl and until she's old enough to get surgery (if that's still her wish as an adult) she will just have to bear them.

Of course she hates her big breasts, having them so large at such a young age. I had a well developed friend in 7th grade, and she hated her breasts. It hurt in gym class when she ran, she couldn't find many clothes that fit right. Make sure she has bras that fit, and maybe even get her a good sports bra that hold them in and kind of flattens her out a little, so she may feel more comfortable. Let her know that breast reduction may be a viable option for her, even remaining a girl. She doesn't have to get them completely removed, but taking them down to a B/C cup may alleviate some back problems later in life.

Let her wear boy's clothes. It doesn't hurt anything, as I was a tomboy and never was comfortable wearing girly clothes. I also have a hard time finding pants in my size, and boys pant sizes are much simpler and don't give that negative body image of being a particular size.

Gender identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Is she attracted to girls or boys? Maybe she's just gay, and thinks it would be more acceptable for her to be a boy if she's with a girl. She needs to know that it's okay for her to be attracted to whichever gender she likes (even both). But also teach her that it's not okay to be promiscuous. Teach her all the perils of having sex, teach her to use protection if she does have sex, and teach her to respect her body and don't share it with everybody.

It's good that she's in counseling. And gaining knowledge of transgender may not be a bad thing. If she's not truly transgender, it may help her see that she doesn't want to live permanently as a boy. After you go through all the hormones and surgery (and often ridicule) to transition, you can't easily just change your mind back.

I also want to say that you should be monitoring her cell phone and internet usage. Make sure she's not sending/receiving or otherwise having access to inappropriate materials.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms