Guilty

Sarra - posted on 12/17/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My daughters father always makes me feel guilty for being a stay at home mom. He'll say things like "you've got it easy you get to stay home and play with the baby all day" or " do my job for a day". "id galdly stay home with her and sit on my ass all day". "you get to sit at home while i go out and slave. I know sometimes hes just tired and frustrated but it hurts my feelings and staying home with our 7 month old inst always fun and game it actually alot of work and then you add in laundry,dishes,vacuuming...ect. How do I make him understand that, being a mommy is a job! I have left her with him for just a few hours before to do grocery shopping and errands and hes calling me the whole time cause shes driving him nuts! you think that would show him but it doesn't.

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Sasha - posted on 12/17/2009

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I'll tell you what has worked for me because I've heard this violin song before...and actually its my friend that told me to do what I'm about to tell you to do....Tell your husband that you are scheduling a Saturday to yourself...you can do whatever, just as long as you're gone for the amount of time he's usually at work. Make a list of what your day consists of and post it on the fridge. My husband appreciates me more for doing it and actually encourages it since he's in the Military and deployments are always around the corner....it had turned from being an eye opener (why am I complaining that she gets to sit on her ass and I get to work) to quality time for my son..and it benefits my son into learning that he has two parents instead of one 60% of the time...hope this helps!

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Deanna - posted on 12/17/2009

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Its like I could have written this myself. I make sure to let him know how much I appreicate him giong out to work so I can stay home and "have it easy" and ive noticed that the more I tell him, the more he says it back. Leaving M with him has shown him to its not always a cake walk.

Sara - posted on 12/17/2009

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men will never understand.... being a mom is nothing easy and half the things u do will seem like minor things to him... balancing cooking cleaning the kids, its so hectic ur lucky to get in a hot shower! if u cant get thru to him by simply talking out ur feelins id honesty just ignore him and tell urself how much ur doing is really helping him whether he realizes that or not. like you said he cant even go a few hours watching the baby without needing help from u, that prtty much verifies it for u

Dani - posted on 12/17/2009

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I like Rebecca's comment. I think it is helpful to talk to him also, but during a time other than the moment it occurs. Your reward for all the work you do will be a great relationship with a child that you really KNOW, not just a child you get to take care of on nights and weekends. My husband didn't fully appreciate everything I did until I went on bed-rest for two months with #3. He had some help, but mostly he had to do everything for my then 1 and 3 yo. It was hard to "let" him, but because it meant the health and well-being of my baby, we did it. Also, prayer for a gracious heart, your own as well as his!

Firebird - posted on 12/17/2009

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Statistics show that a stay at home mother works an average of 2.5 full time jobs. Men just don't understand that what we do is bloody hard sometimes! My girl's dad would make me feel guilty about wanting a few hours to myself now and then because she tends to be a bit difficult to keep an eye on. He'd say the same thing "I'd gladly stay home with her all day..." He figures I don't need to go relax with my friends once every month or two, just because my job "isn't hard".

But the only reason he wouldn't go crazy is because he never tells her no! He caves to everything she wants whether it's a new toy or jumping on the couch. If he and I raised her the same way, he wouldn't last 2 days in my shoes! Just leave him alone with your daughter AND all the household chores for 2-3 days and he'll see how much work you do!

Sharon - posted on 12/17/2009

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With just the 7 month old it probably won't make much difference to him, but I'd tell him "HERE! You think my job is so easy, you do it." leave him a list of what you do and let him figure out how to get it done. go to the mall, a coffee shop, get your hair done, bookstore, visit a friend, leave him alone all day. Lock him out of the computer too.

Don't answer his calls. Tell him to call his mommy if he can't figure it out.

when you do get home and the bitching starts, tell him the EXACT SAME THINGS HE HAS SAID TO YOU. "what did you do all day? this should have been so easy for you, you just sat on your ass all day and did nothing."

I had to do that a couple of times with mine. He would come home and crack jokes about sitting on my butt eating bonbons. WTF are bonbons anyway?

So a couple of times I left him home alone with 3 kids, and sometimes I called him at work every 1/2 an hour pretending to be an idiot. "hunny? the dishwasher won't turn on. hunny? the dryer is making a bumpity sound. hunny? the babys ass stinks?" The last one is when he got that I was mocking him.

Like amanda says - another time I told him, "Ok I'll go back to work, you find a good daycare or babysitter." I put in some job apps, got interviews and had no babysitter, so I dropped teh kids off in his office... omg did he EVER lose his mind. In the end he concluded the good sitters/daycare were to expensive and the bad ones weren't worth the risk and were still pricey.

Years later I got a job and the house went to hell because no one was totally taking care of the house, we were always out of clean socks, towels, dishes etc and he started bitching again. omg its never ending cycle with them. I refused to quit because he was unhappy. I told him "you don't like it, fix it yourself, hire a maid." Let a maid do ALL the work I used to do in exchange for sleepless nights, no pay, very little consideration, and a stupid betty crocker birthday cake once a year, see how long she sticks around. you're just lucky to be good in bed to me."

Once my oldest was about 6 yrs old, my husband wised up. Rarely made stupid comments. And now that the oldest is 14yrs old, he almost NEVER says anything truely stupid.

Amy - posted on 12/17/2009

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Amanda - $400-$700 a month? Wow, that's cheap! It's at least $1,000 a month where I'm from!

My family has the rolls reversed, I work full time and my husband stays at home with our child (now19 months). There are many days when I wish we could just switch positions to give both of us a break. Being a stay at home mom can be just as hard as working. Also, at 7 months my husband was able to keep the place clean and stuff. now, at 19 months with a toddler, he has a hard time getting dished done during the day because our son is SO active.

It's hard to make someone understand how hard your job as a stay at home mom is until they've actually experienced it. Leave him home alone with your child for a weekend, and give him a chore list of what needs to be completed every day. Then see how it works.

Have you asked him what part of being a stay at home mom/parent is easy? If you know what he thinks is "easy" then just show him howmwhy it isn't.

[deleted account]

Quoting Amanda:

Would he rather pay $400-$700/month for a daycare to watch your 7month old while you work?????? I'd rather use that money else where!!!


 Agreed! I'm a stay at home mom and I would never want to pay that much to have someone else watch my child and neither would my husband. I don't care how good the daycare is they can't possibly do better than his own mommy. I know it isn't always an option but I think having one parent home is best for children at least while they are little. Being a stay at home mom isn't easier than working but it is definetly more rewarding! Your husband should realize what a wonderful unselfish thing you are doing for your kids!

Chantelle - posted on 12/17/2009

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the problem here lies with your partner not with you. you do not need to feel guilty as partners you made a decision to have a family and for now you stay at home and look after the VIP and the home front........im sure he would rather stay at home clean house and play with baby all day{for how long} but remind him that you also would rather not be at home cleaning and taking care all the family every day..... tell him .....ITS THE SACRIFICE YOU MAKE FOR YOUR FAMILY.......and while you appreciate that he goes out to work to earn money to support your lifestyle... he needs to appreciate that you also support your family from within the home. you are the backbone of the home always remember that

User - posted on 12/17/2009

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I would tell him that his comments REALLY hurt your feelings, and to please not say them because you are working all day too. Hopefully, that would help. However, if it doesn't, I would tell him you ARE going to sit around for a few days, without doing the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc, then ACTUALLY DO IT. After that, he can see what would not get done if you were actually sitting around!

Rebecca - posted on 12/17/2009

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That drives me crazy, but I think that the best way to deal with it is to be kind! Tell him things like,"I know it might seem like I do nothing, but I really do work very hard. It's just a different kind of work." And, I agree - go out for a day and let him be at home. It will be a very good lesson for him. I wouldn't attack him or be rude to him, though, because it will just make things work. Chances are he knows it is hard - he probably just says those things when he is upset & wants to take it out on someone (not okay, but I don't think he really thinks you are lazy).

[deleted account]

I love Sasha's idea!!! I'm planning my free day right now. :-) I've not had a day off in about 3 years and tired of hearing my husband with this same complaint. He's also said he'd be glad to stay home with our 2 boys... so I think I'll let him!

I've tried explaining about how he's got all the freedom, actual days off, blah blah blah. It doesn't work. You would think that your partner would've gotten it if he's calling you after only a short amount of time. Maybe he needs a day AND a list too.

User - posted on 12/17/2009

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Your man sounds to me like he is experiencing some jealousy. I am the mother of five children and have experienced your situation with the birth of my children. I am a firm believer that jealousy, like all other kinds of negative emotions, stems from some type of fear. I believe that men do understand what a difficult job taking care of a baby and a household is. I think at least in my own case, my children's father was afraid that he was not as good of a parent as I was because he "couldn't handle" the responsibility that I did on a daily basis. I also believed that he was afraid that he could not handle providing the financial support for the family by himself. Too often with men the ego is attached to the amount of money they make and the life they provide to the family. I dealt with the situation with caring and support. I know that it is not easy to control your reactions to him when he says things that are hurtful but try not to react. I tried to reassure him that he was a good father to the children and a great supporter for the family as often as possible. It worked for me, once he wasn't afraid of failure he stopped saying those nasty things. I don't know if this will help you or not but it did work for me.

[deleted account]

alot of men are like that my b/f is the same way he tells me all the time i can sit him with iour son all day but then if i take an hour to myself an go upstair an shower or whatever he is calling my name the whole time im up asking me when im coming back down i dont think some men will ever understand but i just ignore him i no what i do all day an i no its not always easy an that i dont sit on my ass all day just like any stay at home mom, just let whatever he says roll off. some men will never understand, an it fine with me because there is tons of thing men just wont never understand

Sheila - posted on 12/17/2009

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Definitely give him a weekend with your baby. Three days ought to do it! Tell him that when you get home you want the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, scouring done, all the toys put away and add a few chores you've been meaning to get to. AND STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!! DON'T GIVE IN!!! Let him know that you are a hard worker :)

Kerry - posted on 12/17/2009

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some men just dont get it hence why my two and no longer live with their dad as not only did i work nights 6pm-6am three times per week I looked after my eldest was pregnant with my son and doing my fair share of the housework......he went from helping to doing nothing so I understand how frustrated you must feel. Relationships with kids are hard, my currant partner knows how much hard work it is with my two jusgt for a few hours even if I am there he knows it is tiring work.....I think talking to him is the best option, tell him how much you appreciate the amount of work he does then ask him to remember you are not sitting on your bottom all day, if that doesnt work id stop everything no housework, no cooking on his day off leave the house in the am and come back in the pm or the next day if its convenient ....though it may not go down too well and probably is the most childish option but hey you know your relationship and how to deal with it xx

Jennifer - posted on 12/17/2009

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I have been on both sides of this. It used to be (with my ex husband) that I was the bread winner in the household and he got to stay home and play "mommy". Since I had the education and better qualifications, it made scence for me to work. However, I missed being home with my little one. There are those milestone steps that you will get to experience that your daughter's father will not. And those are some of the same that I missed (first words, first steps, laughing first time, etc.). The best thing I can advise is to make sure you show him appreciation that he works and provides for you guys' Being a mommy is tough work! Hopefully once you show him appreciation for what he does and being thankful for the opportunity to stay home, he will show the same in return.

Julia - posted on 12/17/2009

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unfortunately he wont fully understand until the tables are turned but more communication can help try telling how you feel and explaining that you do more then just playing with the baby when that kinda of conversation comes up explain that hes hurting you feeling when he talks like that

Amanda - posted on 12/17/2009

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Would he rather pay $400-$700/month for a daycare to watch your 7month old while you work?????? I'd rather use that money else where!!!=)

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