Has anyone lost a child by death? how do you go on?

Debra - posted on 08/03/2009 ( 62 moms have responded )

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I lost my 27 yr old daudhter by murder and My life has changed competely. Not he same person anymore. She is on my mind 24/7 and The pain never stops. Is this normal Or am I loosing it?

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Karen - posted on 08/15/2009

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Hi. Debra.

I have lost my baby daughter of 2 years old due to meningitis, nearly 4 years ago. (29 October 2005) The feelings you have are for sure normal. It is a proses of anger, questioning, pain and finally accepting it. To accept the death of someone does not mean that you completely forget about the person. Life does go one. But you learn how to cope with your pain and thoughts. No one can do it on its own. Friends and family do help. But I know that no one really understand the hurt and longing untill you get there yourselves. The only person that really understand, is God, for He had given us His only child do die on the cross... The fact that Jesus arose from death, gives us hope to see our loved ones someday soon again. Some days are good, some days are bad. When you do feel those bad days coming, I normally ask Jesus to give Giselle a big hugg, because today I truelly do miss her. To talk really helps. I also found to make a scrapbook of Giselle's life was very healing. Try it... And on birthdays, we bake cake, light a candle and say a little prayer. God has a plan for every one of us. Children are presents from God, and when it is time for that person to go, we are not to ask why, for every one's life are only a short time on earth. How long ones life is, no one knows. One day when you are strong enough, you will be there for some one else that lost a child. I sure do get my days. This morning was one of those mornigs, waking up with thoughts of Giselle, missing her dearly. Her giggles, her little body, her warm, soft hands. And I just could not get out of bed. But praying to God, He gave me the strengh to get up and to go on... I really do feel your pain, and everyone that lost a child. My prayer to everone in this situation is that you will personally feel Gods loving arms around you , feeling His comfort...

Keep strong, keep, hope, keep Faith...

Blessings,

Karen Botha

Keyta - posted on 08/12/2009

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Debra, as a mother, i cant imagine what you must be going through losing a gift from God which is heartbreaking but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that is the bible. The bible gives us hope: John 5:28,29 and comfort where God tells us He is the God of comfort..2 Corth 1:3,4. Your thoughts will never leave you but your days will get better through prayer and the bible.

Cynthia - posted on 08/05/2009

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Please check out the website GROWW.com I have been through some extreme grief and this group has been a powerful help to many.

Abbie - posted on 09/01/2010

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I can't relate to loosing a child at 27 years of age, only lost babies. I don't think you are loosing your mind!! But I am sure you are going through normal grieving issues, I would contact a therapist to see if it can help you a long in the process. You think of her constanly because you miss her!!

Katrina - posted on 08/15/2009

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Oh Debra, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have lost a child. My second child was born with many heart conditions, and sadly, he loss his fight at just 10 and a half months of age. Will the pain go away? Probably not, but it does get easier to breath and easier to drag yourself from bed, as each day passes. There is a support organisation called Compassionate Friends. It's run by bereaved parents, to support bereaved parents, so you're not just going to hear from someone with a councelling degree who has no idea how it feels. I had an older child so I had to get out of bed, and remind myself to breathe, and I think that made the recovery time better - even though I'd have loved to just keel over and die with my son. Finding a reason to keep going has definately helped. It's been two years this november adn I still find myself most mornings, with my son, the first thing on my mind. If she wasn't ever on your mind, then I'd say there's probably something wrong. Recently I've started brainstorming, to help raise awareness and funds for Heartkids (children with heart conditions), and it's helping me alot. I feel like his life wasn't taken for granted, or all of it in vain. I just wonder if there's something like that you could do. Or maybe this doesn't help at all. Either way just know that we're all here for you, and are feeling it with you. BIG HUGS!!

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Sophie - posted on 08/31/2010

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i lost a child also. but mine was still born... when i was in the hospital i was too scared to hold him... but then i was also young . now i do regret not doing that. and it did take me a long time to get over it.. ( if i ever did) stay strong .. and trust your faith in god and know that she is there ......watching over you.. and with time.. it will be easier... ( TRUST)

Malissa - posted on 08/22/2009

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost twins (Bastian and Delilah) he was still born and she died shortly after birth. I was in agony after loosing them and I can't imagine the depth of pain you feel after getting to know and love your daughter for so long. I'd say most definitely in your situation the feelings are normal. It's hard not to fall into depression after loosing someone so important to you. Life does go on with a little help. Not to say you'll ever forget (nor should you). Try to surround yourself with the people and things you love. Seek help whether it's a religious leader, psychiatrist, psychologist, or counciller. Talk about it with someone either way. Think of how your daughter would want you to handle this. I don't know you but I certainly feel for you. I hope that one day soon life will again make sense to you and bring you joy. Keep safe. ~*hugs*~

Wendy - posted on 08/22/2009

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This happened to my sister she lost her son during an operation he was having when he was 2. I was so close to him and i hurt so much that one day i told her "i hurt so much i cant even imagine how you feel." And also asked how she dealt with it. She also had joined a grief group and unfortunately there were some parents their that had done things that caused their children to die. They did not do these on purpose they The one mom left her child in the car seat cause he was napping and went into the house well he woke up and tried to get out of the car seat and hung himself. My sister told me thats how she handles it because she feels his dying had nothing to do with anything she had done. The grief these parents endure must be so agonizing. Of course we still all miss him and it has been 24yrs. They never leave your heart but hopefully you can find a way to live with it. When you get upset think of a happy moment you had with them because thats what they want you to remember.

User - posted on 08/15/2009

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Debra,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are not losing it, not any more than normal. As others have said, my son was not murdered, he had a heart attack at 24. My problem is still anger and it has been nine years, I suppose that it is normal to be angry and hurt, who knows for how long. Our son was our only child and still lived with us. He loved his "toys". There is no magic to tell you when it should be better, I imagine it is different for all of us. My husband has his way of coping, I have an online diary that I can vent to. When I am angry, I write it. When I am happy, I write it. I write everything. At least you can get it off your chest and noone else can read it. That is my way of coping. Best of everything to you.

Kimberly - posted on 08/15/2009

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YES I LOST A CHILD BY DEATH.BUT NOT BY MURDER WHICH IS HARDER.HOWEVER I TALK ABOUT HER TO WHOEVER WOULD LISTEN.THAT WAS 18YRS AGO.I KEEP THE FAITH BECAUSE I WAS THANKFUL THAT GOD BLESS ME TO HAVE HER.I ALWAYS REMMBER HER ON BITHDAYS.WE STILL TALK ABOUT HER HERE AND THERE.I WILL PRAY FOR YOU THAT GOD MAY COMFORT YOU.REMBER THE GOOD TIMES U HAD WITH HER NOT HOW SHE DIED.

Dawn - posted on 08/14/2009

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I feel so sorry 4 ur lost ,as a Mother of 4 I can't even image.I know my Aunt was murdered 35 yrs. ago & I remenber the pain having 2 sm. children than, but the look on my Grandmother's face said it all she seem 2 age overnight my Aunt was 42. u never 4get she is a part of u she is in ur heart always God Bless You!!!

Nelly - posted on 08/14/2009

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I am sorry for your loss. I think with any death you NEVER get over it. We can't move on but we can move forward. Taking it one day at a time for a while is all you can do. I lost my father when I was 11 and a child at birth. Both, were the most hardest things I had ever gone through.. And NO...you are not crazy! You are grieving and that is very normal. I pray that you find peace and hang in there.

Jennifer - posted on 08/13/2009

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I am sorry to hear, but no your not loosing it, what your feeling is normal and everyone who goes through this will feel differently. I to had lost a little girl she only lived 28 Days, I was so messed up in the head cause she was my first baby. I tried so hard to get my life back but never the same. i then fell pregnant again but had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. a while later we tried for a baby and nothing worked, my doctor then informs me in pregnant everything was ok then my first scan came and the baby had died at 8 wks but the sac kept growing to 3mths. I then had a D & C opperation. and now this is where i am now.

Joyce - posted on 08/13/2009

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I have not lost a child, but I have seen the affects that a parent has when a child has been lost. It is a very difficult situation and painful like no other. But trust and believe in the Lord that your pain will one day turn into just fond memories of your child and the happiness you had while parenting him/her. I empathize with your loss, no other loss compares to that, but keep your head up and the memories of your child alive in your mind, heart and soul. God Bless you and your family.

Christina - posted on 08/12/2009

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I am sorry for your loss. I loss my daughter at 4months old due to a landlords neglect. Long story. She suffered for 3months and then passed. She would be 12 now. She was my first. I now have a 9yr old son. But I never let her go I always feel like I am missing something. I go beyond being overprotective. Although your still keeping it together I dont know if I could. Not having her for that long. You should be proud of yourself. But like many of the others have said find a support group, go to your church, surround yourself with your family. They all will help you get through this. I made the terrible mistake of shutting down and shutting everyone out. Dont make the same mistake, your going to need those people for the rest of your life to help you move on. But your right your not the same you never will be. But there is alway light with the dark, just cling to the light. Good luck.

Brenda - posted on 08/12/2009

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Debra this is normal, I have not lost a child but I lost a grandchild & my son & his wife were devastated & I also. it took us close to a year before we were able to live "out of the fog" , you probably know what I mean. I will suggest you go to counseling, I just lost my husband and I am reading a book called "Grief God's Way", it has helped me, the lady that wrote the book , lost her son, she trys to tell you how to accept the lost daily, and if you can't sleep, having nightmares, there's notbhing wrong with asking for help , taking something to help you sleep, its been 9 months that I lost my husband and I just now got off the Ambien that was helping me sleep. Please get some help , you can not go through this alone.

Alison - posted on 08/12/2009

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I lost my son at age 3 in 2000. He had a lot of allergies and a doc prescribed something for him that caused anaphylaxis and death. Wrongful death. lawsuit, etc. The loss of my son was a horrible blow for me. My son required a lot of physical care and so when he died, I felt like a physical part of me was gone, like a huge gaping hole in the middle of me. I didn't sleep for 4 days (literally), frantically trying to get things done and freaking out. After the services were over and everyone left, I felt as if I could not get out of bed. I couldn't move my arms and legs and I didn't know what to do with myself. I took meds for a couple months, but that wasn't the solution for me. I finally just realized that I have two other children that needed me and I needed to get up and get back to being a great mom to them. Knowing that I was a really good mom to him while he was here really helps me be Ok now. I was over 9 years ago that I lost my son. The pain of it never goes away and he is always missed and special events are bittersweet without him, but it is bearable and life can still be good and I can still feel joy in my other children. I'm sure things feel a little different when you've lost an older child. I am sure the emotions are different and maybe more complicated. Still, we are both left with the "what ifs" in life. Whatever you are feeling is normal and has to be respected - by you - do what you need to do to get through these really tough times. Know that it will get easier. It is OK for you to go on after. You don't have to feel disloyal or anything for going on with your life and having a good life. It is great to find some way to honor your daughter's memory - that helps some. I went to a few grief support meetings after the death of my son, but they were mostly people who had lost a spouse and it wasn't the same. Counseling helped me quite a bit. Whatever you need - go get it and ask for help. It's OK.

Wendy - posted on 08/12/2009

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My situation is different. 12 years ago I lost my daughter. She was stillbirth...and I thought for so long that my life should've ended when hers did. The feeling of having a child on the way..and then just gone was more than I could stand. After a year I decided to try again, and now have my son. He is the light of my life and I draw strength from him everyday. I still miss her and love her and will never forget, even if I only had her for a brief time. I don't think you are losing it Debra. The feelings you have are very normal. You will in time learn to get through and draw strength from the 27 years that you had together. you must have so many wonderful memories. Hold those memories close and you get through this.I wish you all the courage strength and love you need to help you now. i once had someone tell me that the pain of losing a freind is hard, the loss of a parent is expected, but no- one should have to live without their children. I agree, but if we do, there has got to a reason. and know that wherever you are.....you always have a guardian angel. Be strong and I send you a very large hug.

Joely - posted on 08/11/2009

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I feel for every person that has posted a comment here, what compassion they all have. My heart aches for you, I can't imagine your pain. I do know people that have lost children and the pain would have to be unbearable. You should talk to people, that helps. You definitely aren't losing it. I will keep you in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Angela - posted on 08/11/2009

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I am so sorry for your loss. I don't really have any words of advice to offer. I miscarried very early on in my 2nd pregnancy and I had a very hard time with it. I'm sure it fails in comparison to the pain you are enduring now. Again I am sorry for your loss and will keep you in my prayers.

Becky - posted on 08/11/2009

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I have lost 2 daughters. My first was 8 days old born at 8 months. Somehow I got through that but when I lost my 15 yr. old by a car accident, I thought I'd never make it the first year. This year marked the 16th year since my beautiful daughter left us. The hurt never goes away, somehow it gets a little easier but most days I still miss her so. There is an organization called Compassionate Friends, they can be found on the web, which is made up of parents who have lost a child to death. I suggest you contact them and please feel free to respond to me as well. I do understand!!!!

Heidi - posted on 08/11/2009

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Seattle Children's Hospital has some grieving information, I can't imagine your pain; but perhaps this will help. http://www.seattlechildrens.org/our_serv...

Also, you might consider talking to your pastor, there are grief support groups available, many times at churches.

Keep your chin up. -Heidi in Washington

Veronica - posted on 08/11/2009

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Quoting Debra:

Has anyone lost a child by death? how do you go on?

I lost my 27 yr old daudhter by murder and My life has changed competely. Not he same person anymore. She is on my mind 24/7 and The pain never stops. Is this normal Or am I loosing it?


I lhave ost my only son, a few days before he turned 14 years.  Its more than 8 years now, its not easy, but I turned to the Lord for help, don't rely on yourself, or others, yes its good to talk to people, but He is the only one who can and will help, if you let Him.  It's a hard and long road, give yourself time, step by step, and never ever leave His hand.  The day will come when you will say to Him, here Lord, here is my daughter, I give her to You, once you have done that, and accept it, things will get better. I went through a divorce January, I am a stronger person and I know that He will bless me, on His time, oh I can say so many things about my road these last 8 years, I will run out of space.........I made a promise to satan, nothing will get me down,  I will keep on to believe that our Lord will turn everything out for the best, and I see Him work in my life everyday, and I have helped so many people on my way, it's amazing......I was sitting on my bed one morning, asked myself,  would my son like to see me like this,  or the same old mad jolly person, and I made a choise that day, and ever since that day I was just moving forward, iwhen you weak satan comes and steal more from you, but one of His promises, He will give everything back to us, and He did, and there is still more to come my way...I just know it....Speak to Him every day, some days will feel if He is far away or not listening, but He is buzzy working........and yes my son is still 24/7 on my mind. I will pray for you!!!!

Lynne - posted on 08/11/2009

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im sorry for your loss i know a bit about how you feel i lost my baby when he was 5days old i know its not as bad as loosing a child when older but the pain is the same it does get easier in time but although its 25yrs since i still think of him and how he would have been please talk about it with someone it does help

Candice - posted on 08/11/2009

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Iam so sorry to her that you lost your daughter. I write notes to mine in my journal and I talk about her all the time.



I lost my daughter when she was 5 months old from open heart surgery.The pain slowly healed but never truely went away for me. Savannah is always on my mind even though I have had 3 more kids since her. She is my angel in heaven and will be there waiting for me..

Barbara - posted on 08/11/2009

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hi debra i lost my first born daughter when i was seven moinths pregnant,the pain never goes but does get easier to bear. i cannot imagine the pain you are feeling as my loss was different to bear, on the positve side oyu have many beautiful memories of your daughter and im sure she was truly beautiful! please do not give up as life is truly a rollercoaster and unfortunately we have to stay on the ride. perhaps the pain is more intense as she was so suddenly taken from your life,and that is the hardest part to live with. my best wishes to you and no you are not loosing it!! xx

Melanie - posted on 08/11/2009

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I am so sorry for your lost.In January 2008 after battling for 6 1/2 mo,I lost my 7 1/2 yr.old son to brainstem glioma.In July 2007 he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor.We have pics up all over our living room and our last memories of him are from his make a wish trip in Disneyworld that xmas 2007.I too think about jeremy 24/7 and when its quiet I cry softly too myself so my other kids won't hear.I believe it's normal of what you are doing,I do believe as time goes on the pain gets easier but does it ever go away? It hasn't for me.

Michelle - posted on 08/11/2009

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Quoting Debra:

Has anyone lost a child by death? how do you go on?

I lost my 27 yr old daudhter by murder and My life has changed competely. Not he same person anymore. She is on my mind 24/7 and The pain never stops. Is this normal Or am I loosing it?


I lost my son at 10 months old by open heart surgery it does hurt and yes u will miss them alot especially on special occassions but u need to be strong like I was I still have 2 more kids to think of and it has been 8 years since he died and i can still remember everthing single moment like it was yesterday but we need to move on does not mean u will forget but there r still people that need us to be there for them and thats is was f the reasons we become a stronger , sometimes when I feel down i just pray and say baby give me strengh bc mommy needs it to keep on going he is my little angel and i always protect and watch over your brother n sister for me . I feel your pain but be strong and you will be able to heal in time just be with family whoi loves u because yes u feel life is not worth living for and u just want to go with them but that will not solve anything , my heart goes out to u and be strong that everything will be ok .

Nancy - posted on 08/10/2009

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You have my deepest sympathy. This type of loss I'm sure is extremely painful. I lost an infant daughter and my husband and I joined a Grief Share workshop. They have it around the country and it was very helpful. They discuss (on film) all the stages of grieving and how to deal with it all. I would recommend it to you as a great resource. I have no idea what your beliefs are, but personally, I could not have made it through our daughters death apart from a strong faith in Christ. The Bible promises that He will never leave us, or forsake us. We simply need to call out to Him. Peace in the midst of the storm is possible. That's not to say that it doesn't hurt. But in spite of the pain, I was able to cope with His help. Many people have told me in the past 5 years how amazing I have been in handling this. I always tell them it isn't ME. It is all in my choosing to call out to Him for shelter and He does the rest. There is great hope we can have Debra. I encourage you to call upon Him. Nothing else will bring lasting peace or joy. People try so many things to fill the voids when they lose someone. But the truth is, they only bring temporary relief. If you allow Christ to fill the void, it will be permanent.
My best to you and your family.

Maryanne - posted on 08/10/2009

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I just wanted to let you know that you are normal, and not LOSING it. I also lost a child a little over a year ago, and last week would have been his 23rd birthday. Cory died at home in bed and he was only 21 years of age. He had Focal Cortical Dysplasia of the brain. It is something that you only have a 1% of having. Doctors said he should have had symptons at the age of 15 or 16, of seizures, epilepsy, headaches, migraines, sleep apnea, slow learning, and several other things, but he never had any symptoms. Cory had a seizure, and quickly fell into sleep apnea and they could not revive him. His girlfriend was with him at the time. My salvation is my friends and family. I talk about him all of the time. His friends still come to the house, call, or text me, and it really helps just hearing what he meant to his friends. I also have an older and a younger son. My older son still has trouble dealing with Cory's death as they were the best of friends, but my youngers son just tries to be as comical and loving as Cory was to help us get through the rough days. Some days are better than others, but you need to be thankful for the time you had with your daughter. Another friend of mine has a website Mother-of-an-Angel.com where other mothers who lost a child have websites, just post things, or chat with other mothers. I know it is tough, but find the strength within yourself and from family and friends. That is what helps me get through each day. I am hoping that this helps you in some way.

[deleted account]

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. For me, it was the other way around - I lost my mum just before my 3rd birthday and I am now in my 30's with my first baby, born 8 months ago.

You didn't say how long ago you had lost your daughter so I don't know whether you have been feeling this way a long time or not. For me, loosing my mum was something that has shaped my life irrevocably, even though, at the time, I had no real concept or understanding of what it meant to lose someone. As I got older and as time passed, I managed to find some sort of acceptance that she wasn't coming back but that I carried her with me wherever I went. That was enough for me for a long time.

Since my baby has been born though, all of the old feelings of unfairness, loss and complete sadness have been returning. What I know is this, slowly I will again start to have the occasional day where it is easier to bear, then there will be both good and bad days and eventually, there will be more good than bad. There will always be times where the feelings resurface - like when I got married 3 years ago, got my degree and obviously when had my baby, but each time, things will get a little better again.

I'm saying all of this in the hope that, even though you feel so lost, angry and hurt right now and know that you will not get over what has happened, I'm certain that you will find a way to reconcile it and begin to have some days where it is less hard. I don't think you're loosing it at all and anyone who has lost someone will know exactly what you mean. I know my experience is different to yours and I hope you don't mind me telling you about mine - I just want you to know that it is something that you can get through. You will be in my thoughts, take care.

Mary-Jo - posted on 08/09/2009

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We may never understand what God's plan is for us or our loved ones. It is extremely hard to cope with loss but we must try to accept that there is a reason for everything and one day we may begin to understand. It is in His time, not in ours.

The pain I experienced losing my baby while pregnant was the worst hurt I had ever experienced. I feel it prepaired me for losing my parents and I know that my baby is in heaven with them and they are laughing and enjoying their time together until the rest of the family joins them one day. That is the reality that keeps me going every day. My life is now filled with the joy of my two little girls and I know I am blessed and I thank God every single day for them. God will comfort you and show you the way to understanding. Just be open for His word to touch you.

Hugging you in prayer!

Tracy - posted on 08/09/2009

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I haven't lost a child so I can only empathise with you and your loss, I did lose a grandaughter last year through cot death,She was my sons first, they have a little baby boy now,he and his partner are still constantly thinking and talking about mercedes. even though she was only 16 days old, we try to celerbrate he life and what she brought to us all. I know it is so hard for it not to totally take you over (the grief), but little by little steps you have to try and make life count for you, its what they would want. please try to get as much support for yourself as you can, counselling, helplines anything,my heart goes out to you,and my thoughts are with you take care

Tina - posted on 08/08/2009

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The fact that you are reaching out is a step in the right direction to healing, as much as you can heal after losing a child. I can't imagine the pain and I hope I never have to know how it feels. God bless you and your struggle.

Dominique - posted on 08/08/2009

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It is normal. I lost my 13 month old son after he choked on a piece of fruit that my ex gave him. It takes a very very long time for the hole in your heart not to constantly ache, but it will get easier. I don't know that I can say it truly ever stops, but it will become manageable. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Kristina - posted on 08/08/2009

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Debra, I am sorry for your loss. I lost a child 3 years ago to sids. You are never completetly the same after loss of a child. All you can do is pray and let god get you through the crazy times. You will always remember your child. Believe me even after 3 year it still hurts. Not as bad but it hurt. When his birthday comes. Then for me 3 weeks later is his death date. But you have to remember that your child is in a better place if that is what you believe in. Your child is still in your heart and they would not want you to suffer. Be blessed and you are in my prayers.

Alethea - posted on 08/08/2009

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i lost my darling child, never 4 gotten, however, never displaced the living ... we have never, in our family feared death ... life is a gift ... when it is taken from us, it like some one giving a gift with strings ... u can only have this if ... "... "

the fact is: parents have no influence over their childrens life choices. and need 2 respect that ... hard as it may b ... we loved them, faught with them, tried to put old heads on young shoulders.



thier chioce 2 accept fault or not ...

it was thier choice, and that is the respect we have 2 give them .. the pain and guilt will never leave .. share it ... flagelllate urselves 2gether (is the secret) ... pretend neither of u willl ever get past it ... but u need to eat and keep a roof over ur heads'... my beautiful loved boy made his choice inspite of me ... was i 2 blame? ... 4 me yes and it willl always b that way 4 me ... will i allow it 2 affect my resationships? NO ... this is my mountain and i will climb untill i die ... have i changed? yes ... does my change infleft pain on those arround me, especialy the one who shares my pain NO ... THIS IS THE HARDEST PART ... LOVE ... do we truly love, the love that concors all ... have trust in each other? do we feel 4 each other? ... these r 'q' we need 2 consider and ans honestly ... this test is the ultimate ... the storm in which we stand 2gether, clinging on 2 each other or; stand apart allowing the torment of the storm to seep deep into our being?, until holding each other's heart; bleading crying 4 help and neither willing to give ... tis is a 2X death we bestow on each other ... hang on, even if it lasts 4ever ... or move on creating the shining light with all the defects of a true diamond ... i send u these true feelings having the same happen to a grown child, much flawd, and loved ...a(thea)

Shirley - posted on 08/08/2009

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As I read through these posts I felt sorrow for each and every one of you. I lost my beautiful daughter almost two months ago to meningitis which was brought on by an ear infection.......very sudden, and on the second day we removed life support. She was 49, and surrounded by a loving family. I did get a few books on grieving, and will join a support group for folks who have lost a child. Look into "The Compassionate Friends", and hopefully they will have a group in your area. I went through all of our photos, and picked my favorites. I have a collage of 21 of them in my "special place". I will also have some of her ashes after they are scattered next weekend, and a lock of her hair. I have not looked at my videos of her yet, but I will. I experience relief that she no longer has to face some of obstacles that were ahead for her....no more severe ear infections and migraines. I did what I could as a mom to ease her suffering, and let her go.

Abbie - posted on 08/08/2009

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when it comes to the death of someone you love; however you feel is normal. Grief has 5 levels; which all can take a very long time to go through. If you feel this is consuming you and destroying your life and ruining your life with the ones that are living around you thoough; you may want to see help. I had an ectopic pregnancy ( I wanted that baby so much) I remember feeling as though I was losing it. I thought of nothing else, it was a constant reminder to me when I would go out in public how I lost my baby. Seeing new moms was horrible for me...... but what I did was. I got a book on grief of a lost pregnancy and how to cope. One thing it said in there was to make a memorial for what you have lost. For some its a tree, a garden, a journal. It is a very personal thing! VERY! I did that and it was the most healing thing I could have done.



Also don't be to proud to reach out for help. Us as women ( specailly moms & daughters) its a special bond & that is something that you shouldn't have to do alone. I hope I helped. I am sending you hugs during this hard time.

Debbie - posted on 08/08/2009

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Debra of course this is normal and you are not the same person. You will be a stronger person with a wonderful testimony of why we should live each day to the fullest. Your daughter was on your mind 24/7 when she was born and she will be forever. You will hear that certain song or see that certain picture or video with her in it and it will help you remember why you love her so much. Your right the pain never stops when you lose a child but it does get easier, it just takes time. There is no set time either. Prepare yourself for some alone time to remember all the good times and have a good cry, then make sure you share those good times with family and friends.

Scarlet - posted on 08/07/2009

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I am sorry for what happened to your baby. I can't relate entirely, but I do feel your pain. I am sorry you have to go though this. All I can say to you is that you will see your daughter again someday. Don't loose your faith. Make sure you live your life to the fullest, and never let her down.

You will survive thru this, it just takes time. With all my mother's heart.

Scarlet Ramnarine

Brenda - posted on 08/07/2009

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I have lost two baby boys...the first was at daycare...NOT SIDS...at best it was negligence...at worse murder. Police believe it was the latter. Jacob died on 3/25/06; and I live with the pain of losing him everyday. It does get easier to go on with life.....but I still think of him 24/7. M

My second son, Kenkaid...was my youngest quadruplet. He died from an infection while in the NICU. I still think of him each and every day too. He died in my arms and he was surrounded by love as he left this world. You could say that I was lucky enough to love him out of this world!

I think it is harder to deal with a death that was a result of murder than another type of death; both are hard though.

You will get to the other side of the pain when you wake up and are able to laugh at the things that your daughter did/said. You will remember the good times and even some of the bad; like her being a teenager.

Jo Ann - posted on 08/07/2009

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I lost my 24 yr old daughter to complications of diabetes, 10 years ago. It was sudden and unexpected, so it was a similar shock. I was fortunate to have a younger son who loved his sister dearly but was at an age that required very close attention. You will never completely get over it but concentrate on the good loving memories and try to do some things in her honor. One friend planted a tree in her honor. The hurt will be there but let the goodness come through. It will take geat strength from you but remember, you are honoring her memory and love.

Shirley Ann - posted on 08/07/2009

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It's been already 4 years plus now - time does pass and heel.. but I still have her memory alive in me and surrounding me. Ilona, was my 2nd girl & God choose her to blossom his garden at 8 weeks of life. Her older sister does mention her now and then and we have pics of her in our house where one can see. She is part of our family.

I had to keep on going bec I had an older girl and most prob she was the force within me. I have to say that my gynae had suggested to Pyshsciatric therapy but I used to feel so bad before my appointment that I stopped going after 3 attempt. Then I started working part-time in a school, and you start to release the tension by talking to collaugues .. making new friends & hearing other stories...and yes as time passes, you start realising that 'she was chosen to blossom God's garden and she is a good angel watching all over us'.

Now I have another girl, and she is not at all substituting Ilona in some way or another. Luckily for me she looks alot like her older sister.

Everybody has his own theory. Just adapt time to find yrs & suit it in yr daily life.

Shirley A Said - Malta

Sandra - posted on 08/06/2009

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I understand exactly how you it is a pain that tares you apart you feel so helpless mommie can't fix it.the age does't matter ther still our babies. I lostmy daughter to a different kind of killer melonoma cancer. But your loss has to be harder because i had time to say all the things i wanted to say, and was able to be there when she stepped into heaven.but you are very normal greaving mom.cant eat sleep wondering what if's.It's been a year and i still fall apart something will trigger a memory. but I promice it will never go away but it gets easier.you will never forget,but you have to move on.how long has it been.Im hereif you need to talk,Im praying for you and i do know you are not alone

Tracy - posted on 08/06/2009

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Hi Debra,
my cousin lost her 19 yr old son to murder, and I had found a support group for her in her area. She has really bonded with the members, they have offered advice on how to cope can give her so much support because they too have all 'been there' before. I would suggest doing an online search for something in your area. I believe there is a yahoo group too... but I would really recommend finding something local so that you can actually meet face-to-face members. Good luck... so sorry to hear about your loss.

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I too, along with everyone else can feel your pain. I have not lost a child myself, but lost my brother when he was 17 years old to a drunk driver. You continually question "WHY" and believe me I am still doing it 12 years later. Time really does lessen the pain and surrounding yourself with loved ones will also provide some comfort. I watched my mom spiral downward for the first year after my brother was killed by such a senseless act, but she climbed out of it with all our support and love. We celebrate my Brother's birthday every year and talk of him often, he is always with us as is your daughter. Believe that she is in a safe and peaceful place, perhaps with other loved ones, that always gives me some comfort. Take each day one day at a time, and if it helps get angry, shout, scream, cry, and especially TALK...don't bottle the feelings up. Your daughter is watching over you.

Vivian - posted on 08/05/2009

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I am sorry to hear about your plight. My mum lost her son a few years back /I lost my brother due to cancer. It was quick, shocking and painful..It is difficult for all of us but I had to keep telling myself that one has to go on. You will need some help, as suggested by all the mums below.

I found myself making a big effort to create opportunities for my mum to put her mind to other things which still matter. we have lost a close one and it's important to realise that other close ones alive still need us and we should treasure them before it is too late. My mum was distracted by my kids which she helped to care for. She is much better now but it will never really go away. It is all part of the human journey we go through.

but what is important now is to go on with meaning and put your time and energy to your other loved ones who are still around.

Roberta - posted on 08/05/2009

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Debra, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I know that God will see you through the pain, and it's alright to think about your child it's only natural. I haven't lost a birth child but two of my students died in that car crash in Ohio last Wendesday, and their lost will be truly felt by staff and students.

Judy - posted on 08/05/2009

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I am so VERY sorry for your loss ~ I do know it is a process - Give yourself time to grieve. I would look for others who have experienced this ~ It would be encouraging to me to see others who have come out on the other side. I do have two friends who each have lost a child in the past 10 years. One of them - it has distroyed her life - she kicked everyone out of her life and has continued to spiral down as far as I know she never recovered. The other friend and her husband have started a group in our church for others that have lost loved ones. I am sure their lives - like my first friend - will never be the same - but they have peace in their lives and their daughters memory has lived on by them reaching out and helping others. I will be praying for you ~

Amanda - posted on 08/05/2009

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It is normal to feel like your loosing it, but as time goes on the pain gets a lot better and you will be able to breath deeper within yourself. I lost my son, he died in my womb, but I always will remember his birthday and what he could have been if he would have lived. I thought I would forget, but that's my child, you will never forget the one that you help brought into this world. I hope your pain heals and I'm so sorry to here about about your lost.

Nancy - posted on 08/05/2009

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Of course she is always on your mind. That is natural. I am so sorry. The pain has to be horrendous. I have a friend who lost thier 26 yr old daughter in a car accident. It was so sudden. That makes it even harder. Yours has the added impact of murder so it has even more emotions attached to it.

My friend found some solace in the booklet "Heaven: Biblical answers to common questions" by Randy Alcorn. This is a small booklet that is more easily understood than his larger edition of "Heaven" that is an all-inclusive study on heaven in a large book. The booklet is available on Amazon for only $.99.

Be gentle with yourself. This grieving will be hard and will probably take a lot of time. A Pastor or Priest could be helpful as a listening ear and a resource of other suppot. God is with you, even when it may not seem like it. May He give you comfort and strength as you rest in HIs presence.

Nancy Johnson - posted on 08/05/2009

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i am so sorry for your loss. i too have lost a child due to leukemia. he was 9 yrs old. the pain never completely leaves you. but in time it lessens to the point you can cope

i hope you find peace and comfort in the months ahead

nancy

www.john-paul-smith-memory-of.com

Libby - posted on 08/04/2009

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I have lost a child and it is such a horrible pain. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I have not lost a child to murder, but our family has been traumatized by a recent triple murder. My best friend's mother and two children were murdered in June by her ex-husband. I can honestly say that is the worst grief and tragedy I have ever experienced and I have lost my own child. You are not losing it. I think when someone is taken away from you for nonsense reasons (murder) that it is the most horrible thing to cope with. If it were a car accident or illness it would be much easier to accept. My best friend has been going to counseling every week since it happened. Please consider having emotional support of some kind outside of friends and family. Also, there is a forum on here called Motherhood after the death of a child. I think you will enjoy connecting with other mothers who have lost a child/baby in one way or another. God bless!

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