Having the sex talk with pre-teens and teens

Rita - posted on 07/03/2010 ( 7 moms have responded )




When is a good time to have "the sex talk" with pre-teens and teens??? And how detailed should this talk be???

I have three children a boy that is 14, a boy that is 12 and a girl that is 9 years old.


Michelle - posted on 07/03/2010




My daughter is 4 and I have already begun to explain the sex stuff to her. As much as you can to a four year old. She knows that she has a vagina and that her parts are different then boy parts. She knows that boys have a penis. I have also discussed with her that she is not aloud to be naked with boys yet. I feel it is a life long discussion and I am not about to wait for the school to discuss with my daughter what is my part of my job as a parent to do. Since I am pregnant with another baby she has started asking more questions and I answer them as honestly as I can for her age. I tell her she shouldn't be naked with boys till she is married. Even though I know that realistically that is probably not going to happen. I just know I would rather her learn about sex from me then from her friends at school. I know from when I was that young at 14 some of my girlfriends had already had sex.

Jennifer - posted on 07/04/2010




i'm more of an advocate for talking about it whenever the chance arises instead of having "THE TALK" once. my son is going to be four soon, but we've already talked about his "private parts" and why nobody else can touch them, etc. i think that by educating him during each stage in an age-appropriate manner (ie, what he's intellectually ready to learn) we're making sure that he's safe, comfortable in his body, and doesn't feel the need to seek out answers from others who might misinform him. i want my kids to be able to come to me when they have questions and be open and honest about it without feeling afraid or ashamed.

JuLeah - posted on 07/03/2010




I agree with Amy; it is a life long conversation.
There is so much more then sex to be talked about, in my opinion.
Body image, setting boundaries, honest conversation...

So many people don’t know how to date, don’t know how to talk with the person they like, don’t know how to say 'yes' to a date, or say 'no'

More importantly, many don’t know how to respect 'no'

I know so many, girls mostly, who have dated, even had sex because it is sooo drilled into their head to be 'nice' not be rude, don’t hurt another’s feelings ....

How do you break up with someone? What does it mean to 'date'?

What if you like someone and they don’t like you? What if you find you like someone of the same gender. That happens and the kids who live with parents that support them have teen years that are SOOOOOO much better, honest, healthy, safe.

There is more to sex then sex, I guess is my point. Sexuality needs to be talked about; values, options, respect, self respect, choices ... and we have conversations about these things everyday. The conversations we have are not usually with words. Our kids are watching us, how we treat one another, how we treat ourselves, our neighbors ....

Iridescent - posted on 07/03/2010




My oldest are 11 and 9 (boys). We've broached the subject as appropriate their whole lives, starting with body parts, names, what their purpose is. This past year my oldest had "sex ed" at school, which I approved of, and he was able to answer questions to the teacher with no difficulty and actually embarrassed him with some of his questions. When he got his first "real" erection, we discussed why it happened and let him know that for now, it's just part of his body starting to change. We told him if he wakes up with wet sheets or starts to grow hair, we'll discuss more with him. He knows birth control exists and what the purpose is, but not how to use it or what types there are other than condoms (we've told him that when he's older, he will be using condoms when he has sex to prevent him from becoming a father too young). We're realistic in regards to the dating scene and potential he won't be a virgin when he gets married, but we encourage him to wait to have sex (he's 11...). We've also discussed who he likes, and he's very obviously not ready to consider dating. Honestly, if it comes up in day to day conversation, we explain it to him. We're pretty open. We didn't want to wait too long because a friend of ours became a grandfather when his son was 12, thanks to not getting this education. We don't want that for our children.

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J - posted on 12/15/2013




These days, most teenagers are losing their virginity at 15 years old. I have heard a few stories of 13 years olds having sex. And getting pregnant! Not a good situation. When a teen gets to high school..things change. Be sure to have the sex talk the summer before high school. Your 14 year old definately needs to hear it.
A good point to make is to tell him to sit back and watch the rumors that go around his school. He will hear rumors of reputations ruined by sex...how people react to that person...treat them..view them...etc.
Mention to him to watch what happens to other people when they are irresponsible. Rather than experiencing it first hand.

Monique - posted on 04/17/2012




Personally I think it should be when they can comprehend what your telling them. I had "The Talk" when i was 10 or 11 yrs old. My mom talked to me about it frequently so I would be smart about it when the time came. You should detail it as much as you feel appropraite.

Michelle - posted on 07/03/2010




Is there ever a right time to have a sex talk? Please let me know about that one LOL.

I suppose really you should have the talks with your 14 and 12 year old as, unfortunately, kids are starting to have sex a lot younger than they used to. I think perhaps the 9 year old may be a little young, though if she asks questions then try and explain things to her.

Do the school cover this subject? If so, perhaps ask them at what age they start talking about it so you coincide with that.

How detailed, no idea really but I would certainly cover the subject of contracaption and safe sex when you do decide to have that most dreaded conversation!

Good luck

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