HELP! How can I help my 9 month old daughter sleep in her own crib in her own room?

Meredith - posted on 10/04/2010 ( 219 moms have responded )

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She is 9 months old and wakes up atleast once a night for a feeding sometimes more than that because she wants to be with us. Problem is her room is on the other side of the house and her father says since she is not sleeping through the night he doesn't want to have to get up and walk to the other side of the house to feed her, he'd rather keep her in our room. My problem is, is that alot of the time he brings her in our bed and there she stays until morning. So I am physically unable to roll over in my own bed. Not to mention I am scared that we are creating a monster and she will be 5 years old and still wanting to sleep in our room. I need any tricks or tips on how to get her to sleep through the night and/or get her to trust sleeping in her own room, in her own crib!

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Dee - posted on 10/05/2010

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Wow.. times have certainly changed.. when my now grown children were babies, my husband and I did not put such demands or stress if they did not sleep through the night. I breast fed all three until they were just over 2 years old. If they got up for a feeding through the night, it was extra cuddle time, not stress time. We believed in the family bed. My husband often got up and brought them to our bed, and it wasn't the end of the world for them to sleep with us. When it was time for them to graduate from the crib to their bed, they did it just fine. Our children knew as they grew if they were frightened by bad dreams or sounds, they could snuggle next to us for comfort. We did not demand a schedule or go nuts with a timed schedule for them. It sounds like its just added stress for those of you who write here, not just for you, but for your little ones too. Your little ones will work it out in time, if you are stressed, they will certainly pick up on it and stress too. Our daughters developed into bright, well rounded, independent, creative and successful adults. We miss them being little. Enjoy each day with your little ones. They grow up in a blink of an eye. Enjoy each day to the fullest, its not a chore, they are a blessing. Spend quality time with them, calm down....

Tammy - posted on 10/06/2010

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I'm not sure if you will consider this helpful or not but we always coslept with our kids. They just wouldn't sleep in their cribs after the first 7 months or so. Some children just need to be with their parents to be able to sleep. Whether or not you choose to do it is up to you. It's not going to work for everyone. Don't worry about creating a monster though. By 18 months both my girls were spending at least half the night in their own beds (not cribs). My 3 year old sometimes crawls in with us. My older daughter sleeps in her bed all night. If you don't want her sleeping with you you could consider ( if your room is large enough) bringing her crib into your room (sometimes it helps if they can just hear you breathing) or move her to a room closer to you. (Doesn't have to be large, just big enough for her crib, everything else could stay in her normal room). That being said, if you don't want to move her, I know alot of people who kept an extra mattress in the baby's room and would spend part of the night there. You could try putting a piece of your clothing in the bed so she smells you. White noise or soft music. However she is really young and it is quite normal for her to be waking up for a feeding. (my kids were breast fed and woke up at least once a night until they were weaned after their second birthdays) You may just have to push through it. Every kid is different, she may all of a sudden stop needing feedings at a year or she may wake up until she's 3. Sorry. I really don't recommend the " let them cry until they drop" method. I think it's a tad cruel. It's natural for babies to want their moms when they are little. Remember the rule: babies only cry when something is wrong (even if you can't figure out what). Of course, you should identify what type of cry she's using when she wakes up. My husband used to jump for any little peep when often they can actually fall back to sleep on their own. If they cry for more than a few minutes usually they need sometimes.

Gracie - posted on 10/04/2010

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I have a 10month old and I was able to get her to sleep in her crib in her own room at 1 month. I think as long as you know that they are fed and have a clean diaper then its ok for them to cry. If they know that when they cry someone will come in and save them then they will keep doing it. They will train you. I think that if shes on the other side of the house then it could be easier to leave her. It will take a couple days of crying but once she knows that no one will come get her out of her crib then she will soothe herself. And if shes hungry then feed her without talking to her and then put her back in her crib. For a month it was hard for me but with the suppport of my husband this worked. Now she sleeps from 7pm to 6am.

Denise - posted on 10/06/2010

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Sorry, but I do not see the problem. Of our 4 kids only one sometimes slept through the night at 9 months. I am not sure that kids are supposed to be at this age as they still really need their parents near. We used a mattress on the floor right beside our bed. In a pinch a sleeping bag can work. Our kids got to sleep on this right beside our bed. This stayed there for quite awhile.

Laura - posted on 10/06/2010

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Several points have been made about bedtime routine and habits that bear repeating: First, determine if your child is truly waking up hungry or if this is out of habit. At 9 months old your daughter should be sleeping through the night. She is old enough to start solid foods if she isn't eating already. Consider giving her a bit of cereal shortly before bedtime. I don't recommend putting it in a bottle--it damages the nipple and is easier for kids to choke on--but rather feed her with a spoon. If she has been waking up truly hungry, then this may fill her up enough to allow her to sleep through the night. This is what we did with my daughter and she slept through most nights without a hunger-related problem.

Second, invest in a simple baby monitor. It doesn't have to be a video monitor, IMO, but at least get an audio one. jSince your rooms are on opposite sides of the house, this will allow you to hear her to determine if it is really neccessary to get up and check on her. As most moms know, different cries mean different things! If you determine that she woke up at night and is simply wanting comfort to get back to sleep, you can turn the volume down and go back to sleep yourself. If it's a distressed cry expressing pain, for example, you know to get up and check on her.

Finally, don't be afraid to let her cry! The monitor is a tool that can help you, as parents, determine her need. If she doesn't truly need you, then let her cry herself back to sleep. This is part of a learning process with babies--how to self-comfort. If co-sleeping is not an option, then she will need to learn this skill sooner rather than later. If you choose to provide a bit of comfort, then the patting or rubbing her tummy without picking her up is a good option. Just be consistent with your actions if doing this. The best parenting skills you have in this situation is patience and consistency. Have a consistent bedtime routine that includes a bit of cereal and then patience to ride out any crying fit determined not to be an actual emergency. It may seem an eternity while working through these sleep issues, but it can really improve rather quickly if there is consistency. Hope this helps and sweet dreams for everyone!

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just do it now!!...; )..You will create a monster..We have!! We have a three year old girl...not in our bed (well most of the time anyway)...but still sleeping in our room...I don't know how we are going to get her into her own room. I don't think she would handle it at all.
I have two older boys that both slept in their own rooms from about 8 months..I remember it being very hard and horrible..we did the controlled crying with them...it took a week or two but it was definately worth it. Believe it is better than having them in there for three years. We also have an eight month old boy..I seem to be having the same problem as you at the moment. My partner says he would be happy to have him in our bed til he was 5!!...NOT going to happen. Luckily he works away every second week so hopefully i can get it sorted while he is away...Goodluck...; )

Natalia - posted on 10/13/2010

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the point is that some babies do not want to sleep in their own room period. and to say you have well functioning babies is a short sighted remark on your part b/c you have no idea the impact your actions will have on your child later in life...don't be in a cloud

Kim - posted on 10/13/2010

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Try giving her water when she wakes up and putting her back to bed. She may be thirsty just like you would. If she doesn't like the water after a few nights, knowing this is what she will be getting she should stop asking for the feeding. You need your rest as much as the next person, keep her in her own bed.

Iliana - posted on 10/13/2010

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Please read the Question before answering. It reads "How can I help my daughter sleep in HER crib in HER room?"
She is obviously asking for tips to help her in getting her daughter to sleep through the night in her own room. She doesn't want to hear that YOU think it's wrong. So don't post a critique and then say you're not judging, when clearly you are. Some of us have tried this method and have well functioning, healthy babies.

Thekmurph - posted on 10/13/2010

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What worked for us was to offer only water when our son woke up at night- then he must have figured that it wasn't worth it any more and started sleeping through the night.
PLEASE don't add cereal to the bottle- it's not necessary if your child is getting enough from the food and increases risk of choking and obesity.
Then, keep the lights off and for a while, if necessary, then just lay beside the crib, soothing her with touch, not words. Though every baby is different, some combination of the tips that you have here should help. Good luck!

Susan - posted on 10/12/2010

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I have been there and Done that!!!
Just leave her comfort herself and leave her go back to sleep !
This is the way she develops independance! If you keep getting her up and feeding her she will be a dependant little girl who knows that Daddy will always give in!
I would discuss this with your husband and see what happens- before you try it!

Natalia - posted on 10/12/2010

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I also agree as i have written that i think cry it out is aweful...and i am saddened as a mother and human being that a large portion of this generation of children are being parented that way....we ( the adult parents) are the WORLD to our babies and small children. If we turn them away, then what are we teaching them about the world? I think that it is selfish and irresponsible for parents to put the real physical and emotional needs of children last. Reminds me of hearing of more tribal societies that granted permission to individuals to have children...based on their merit as community members and maturity levels and willingness to commit themselves to the realities of giving to a small child. It sort of shocks me that as a culture, we are so unprepared and as women often so out of touch with the instincts and naturalness of childbearing. I am not judging...just noticing where we are at in our stage of evolution as a species. And i trust the wave

Amanda - posted on 10/12/2010

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i started from about 4 months on, putting her in her crib for the first part of the night. she would wake up several times a night, and i would get tired of getting up repeatedly, so i would give up and bring her to bed with me. i think gradually she got used to being in her crib,and her stomach developed and grew and was able to hold more food so she slept longer. she is a live wire and still fights sleep all the time, so i find that letting her play and wear herself down, then giving her a bedtime bath and rubbing drops of lavender essential oil (get the good stuff that's 100% pure) onto the bottom of her feet puts her right to sleep (your body absorbs it quicker through the feet, and i worry less about her getting it in her eyes or mouth). if you're worried about it being too strong, dilute it with a carrier oil such as avocado oil. but back to the main point, it took a long time, and it was so gradual that i didn't even realize she was sleeping the whole time in her own bed until recently. (she is 8 months old). also i'm sure you already know, but it's really dangerous to have her in bed with you.. my baby fell out of the bed too much, so that was another reason that i became adamant about her not being in our bed. maybe just put blankets on the floor NEXT to the bed, so you don't have to worry about her falling off or getting rolled over on. and then you can sleep comfortably too, of course!

Rebecca - posted on 10/12/2010

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With my first two children I did what you are doing and they became the "monsters". It was constantly a battle getting them to sleep. Children need nurturing not ignored. We now co-sleep and my youngest two children sleep great, and they are now in their own beds, at the age of 3 this month, and 14 months. Oh, and they don't have to physically be in the same bed as you, we purchased a "co-sleeper" that attaches or sits next to the bed. Try bringing her crib in your room or using a playpen.

Jan - posted on 10/12/2010

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Is she only on the bottle cause at that age they don't need to eat. If she is on other foods give her a snack before bed and a bottle. She needs to learn to soothe herself back to sleep. Does she have a pacifier. .or a favorite blanket or stuffed animal. just lay her back down give her those things an say go back to sleepy and let her cry a little and repeat . it may take a few days but she will do it. Why is your hubby feeding her. tell him to stay put.. some children do have night terrors can you tell the difference in her cry at night is it different than when she is hungry. When she is i a regular bed as she gets older there will be times she will have a bad dream and want to sleep with you either you lay with her in her room til she falls back to sleep or make a pallet on the floor she can come and use that way she is not in your bed. It will take a little time to teach her to go back to sleep but you will have to sacrifice some of your sleep to teach her. good look.

Crystal - posted on 10/12/2010

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I had the same problem with my son as far as the waking up for feedings... He continued to wake up every 3-5 hours to eat! The pediatrician explained that by 6-8 months these nighttime feedings were unnecessary calories and recommended that before feeding him, try to rub/pat his back or do something soothing that he likes to ease him back to sleep. If he still acted like he wanted to eat, give him 4oz or so of plain water. We did this, and, of course, he acted hungry and we tried the water. To our surprise, after 2 nights, he was sleeping most of the night, and when he did awake, all we had to do was soothe him! It also helped that he was roling onto his belly in his sleep, which made him more comfortable.

Nicky - posted on 10/12/2010

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I strongly recommend a book that has really helped me establish my children's sleeping habits.... it's called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth M. D. I bought it when my first child was about 4 months. It really helped me, I was much more confident in what I was doing when I used the book's recommendations. It takes you from birth right up to the teens to help establish healthy sleeping habits and covers many sleeping issues. Good Luck ;)

Naomi - posted on 10/12/2010

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My daughter didn't sleep through for 2 1/2 years! Once she stopped feeding in the wee hours of the morn she just kept waking for the company! I had a real process each night. She didn't learn and was just a glutten for punishment! Now at 6 she still makes her life difficult at times because she is so stubborn! You just have to go with it and trust that eventually she will sleep through! I always did the settling and not hubby. As exhausting as it was. Just be strong and know that it gets better! Have to add she was my second and the first wouldn't sleep through for 12 months either!

Alexandra - posted on 10/12/2010

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Learning to sleep well is a skill! Look how many adults have bad sleep habits and poor "sleep hygiene". Babies get used to waking up to eat or to be with you because that is all they have known and it's nice for them. There is only good to be had, however, if you can teach your child to sleep uninterrupted and also get your own interrupted sleep. We "sleep trained" my son at 5 months and he has been pretty much sleeping through the night ever since (he's 16 months). First of all it is very important for you to put your daughter to bed when she is drowsy but still awake. She needs to learn how to soothe herself to sleep. Do your normal bedtime routine and put her down. If she cries leave her for 5 minutes. If she is still crying then go back in but try not to pick her up. Give her a bit of a back or tummy rub (or whatever she likes) and tell her softly that it's sleepy time. Only stay for about a minute and then leave again - even if she is still crying. Now wait for 10 minutes (or at least a little longer than 5 if you can't stomache 10). Now go back in and repeat what you did after 5 minutes. Next time wait 15 minutes and keep going like that until she is asleep. If she wakes up in the night do the same thing again.
You will probably have a couple really crappy nights but be strong! It's very hard at 2am when she's been crying for 30 minutes but it's well worth it. You will have to tell your husband to suck it up for a couple of nights as well. LOL. All babies (and adults) wake at times throughout the night. This technique will teach her how to get herself back to sleep quickly and easily.
My son is still a very noisy sleeper and often wakes (or just rolls over) with a great howl. We always wait the 5 minutes before we go to him because 99% of the time he cries for about 10 seconds and then settles back down without actually ever waking up. He sleeps about 11 1/2 hours a night and I wake up feeling not like a zombie!
If you are consistent with this technique I promise it works. If for some reason it doesn't Google the "gradual retreat technique". That is another good option.
If some people continue to breastfeed for years and don't mind either getting up through the night or sleeping with their children that's great for them but there is nothing wrong with a good night sleep for both you and the baby! Good Luck

BONNIE - posted on 10/12/2010

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Meredith, First of all if your little one is a healthy 9 mo. old she doesn't NEED a feeding in the middle of the night. I am a great grandmother of four and had a wise pediatrician whn I had my first baby45 years ago. He told m to offer only water when she woke in the middle of the night at that age. I did as he suggested and she was NOT pleased but I persisted through the crying and in about four nights if was over. They need to learn to put themselves back to sleep by themselves. You are not being mean you are parenting. Frankly, if your husband has a problem with walking across the house I would put a cot in the hallway so he doesn't have to walk so far. Part of parenting is sometimes standing your ground with your child, no matter the ag because in the long run it is for the child's developmental benefit. It can also be a developmental milestone for your spouse. And yes, I have known parents who have a five year old still sleeping with them. and neither kid nor parents actually get rest. I am a sarcastic woman who might tell your hubby I was getting twin beds and h can take the baby in HIS bed for the night because I am sleeping in my own bed alone. Sometimes ya just have to say what you are thinking. Stand your ground mom, you are not the enemy in thisand if she has to cry it out for a few nights, she will be fine and so will her more rested parents. Keep your chin up.

Jen - posted on 10/12/2010

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You need to have him stop bringing her into the bed NOW. My eight year old still climbs into to bed with me on a regular basis. When it comes to sleeping through the night she will do it when she's ready until then it may be a inconvenience to walk across the house but she will eventually do it. My son is just starting to sleep through the night and he just turned two.

Jennifer - posted on 10/12/2010

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Most babies throughout all of history have remained very close to their mothers. We are one of the only societies on earth that demands our babies sleep alone. This is what gives them comfort and helps them to trust in the world. It is only natural that she wants to be near you. I only recently gave my 2 1/2 year old daughter her own room but she still sleeps with me most nights. (We both prefer this). Does it seem fair that your husband and you get the comfort of each other and an infant has to cope on their own. You can't demand anything of her that she is not prepared for so you have to adjust. My daughter did not sleep through the night until she was over a year and although it is not what I would have chosen I did choose to have a baby and I do my best to listen to her needs. Sounds like your baby wants to be near you. Maybe you could at least try moving her crib closer or even in your room.

Heidi - posted on 10/12/2010

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Get rid of your bed frame and move your mattress onto the floor so you don't have to worry about anyone rolling off the bed. If there is room in your bedroom, purchase another mattress and lay it side-by-side with your original mattress to extend the size of the bed. Now everyone can roll over, and baby can sleep with mommy and daddy at night, which is where babies sleep best. That's my advice, for what it's worth!

Sylvia - posted on 10/12/2010

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try putting cereal in her bottle or sippy cup before bedtime and get her out of your room as soon as possible. I made that mistake with my son and even though he is 7, now he still wants to sleep with me.

Tina - posted on 10/12/2010

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I feel your pain! - As a working Mom I spend the first few months after my maternity leave sleeping in the spare room with our daughter to be "available" for those nighttime feedings...well the longer we slept in one bed the more she'd wake up...so I decided to "cut the cord" and suck up a couple more nights of misery and try to get her to sleep in her own bed again. Instead of Formula give her some water at night- she's not likely to come begging for more...as for the husband...he has a valid point- but he is likely making the transition to her sleeping in her own bed harder and harder...As long as you give in ...your LO will be croaking at night...
So next time she wakes...give her some water...tell her you love her and that it is time to sleep...REMOVE HUSBAND FROM EQUATION...especially if he is the guilt-ridden breadwinner of the family :)

Barbara - posted on 10/12/2010

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The miracle book you need to read is called The Sleep Sense Program (2nd addition) by Dana Obleman - Download it! It's an easy read and it'll change your life! You and your baby will get the solid sleep you both need... Trust me it only took us less than a week to apply it to our 6 month old and he has been sleeping all through the night (and naps) since... He is now 2 and a half :)
Good luck...

Nicky - posted on 10/12/2010

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i left my children to cry in the night just making sure they did not get distressed they would go back to sleep or if they got distressed would go in a resettle them. Although now i would say leave for a few minutes o cry then go reasuure and then leave again if it continues keep going back no voice or eye contact settle and leave again will probably mean a few more sleepless nights but will soon learn and not bother to wake then. hope this helps

Iliana - posted on 10/12/2010

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Obviously, first make sure they are not wet or sick. I do believe in letting them cry it out-especially when they are older. Someties it's just a small nightmare. I NEVER let the crying go on more than 2 or 3 minutes. I check on him and if he's ok, then I might pick him up, shush him, and put him back down. My son started sleeping through the night (he was breastfed) around 2-3 months (about 5 or 6 hours). I cut out the nighttime feeding at around 7-8 months when he was well into solids. He would still wake up but daddy would go in and make sure he was ok and then either try to get him to go back to sleep or just lay him down. It might be that I started a little earlier and that's why it was so much easier. It could also just depend on the child. I do understand that not having them so close can be nerve-racking, but if that is what consumes you at night, then maybe a crib or play pen in the room is a better way to go.
Good luck!

Kathy - posted on 10/12/2010

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Give her a 10 o'clock feeding including the most advanced foods she now can digest---either baby food or table food. Bathe her in the evening and put her down for the night. If you don't have a good monitor in her room, move her crib closer to your room. Don't ever start putting her in your bed. You will not be able to rest for fear she will crawl over one of you and fall off the bed. If she has an afternoon nap, wake her after 2 hours tops. If she sleeps all day, she cannot sleep all night, too. It may take a few trial runs, but the benefits for all of you is worth it.

Victoria - posted on 10/12/2010

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Do you have a night light that rotate pics around up in the ceiling and maybe with soft music? Maybe that would help sooth her to relax in her own bed. Just be happy you are asking for help now. My son was finally able to sleep in his own room at age 6. There are many other mothers have went thru this problem. Try the nightlight with music, hope that helps her. Good Luck!! :-)

Linda - posted on 10/12/2010

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We chose to have our children in our bed and yes, our 5 year old still joins us, along with my almost 9 month old. Would not have it any other way. Our children are with us only for a fraction of their lifetime. I agree with you, you never really sleep as well...

[deleted account]

First, DON'T feed her during the night. Give her a bottle or sippy cup with water. At that age she does not NEED to feed. If she's just thirsty, water should work. If she's just in a habit of waking to eat, this may make her decide that water isn't worth waking up for.

Second, either ignore her during the night and let soothe herself back to sleep OR move the crib into your room. My youngest son is 18 mos. old and when he stirs at night, I just lie still and see if he settles back down. You can usually tell when babies are "serious" about needing something.

Jennifer - posted on 10/12/2010

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I would make sure not to pick her up and try not to feed her at night! I feed my 8 month old his dinner and a bottle at 7 and put him to bed at 8. If he wakes up in the middle of the night I do NOT pick him up. I give him his pacifier and tell him its ok and say its time for night-night and walk out. I try not to go back in his room and let him cry if he is crying, but most of the time he just needs to know that I'm still here for him. I would rub her back, let her know you are still there, and leave the room within a couple minutes of going in there. The important thing is to be consistant in whatever you do. I know people that did what you are doing now and there kids just stopped sleeping in their bed at 8yr and 5yrs. Normally they need to be soothed and not fed at that age. Good luck with your daughter!

Nicole - posted on 10/12/2010

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that happened to me to and what i did was i feed him his normal bottel which was around6 oz then i would reed him a book then right before bed i would give him another 2 oz and that would get him threw the night. My son is 12 months and most babies if you were to wake them up or they wake up on there own and put a bottle in there mouth they would drink it. Just bc she is waking up doesn't mean she is hungry try giving her a passy

Cassandra - posted on 10/12/2010

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My son slept in our bed till he was a little more than a year old, now he's 20 months and sleeps in his crib pretty much all the time. It's only once in a blue moon that he's in our bed now.
I don't think you're gonna create a monster, but if you're really worried about it, first thing you need to do is talk to daddy and explain your fears. And, with more tact than I have, tell him to suck it up, it's not like he has to walk across town.
When we transfered our son to his room we started a bedtime routine of bath, story, ninny, bed. He took to it right away, I think he really wanted to sleep in his own room.
My son didn't stop feeding during the night till a few months ago, and he still occasionally nurses during the night when he's not feeling well.

STACIE - posted on 10/12/2010

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I am in the same boat!! My 9 month old daughter still wakes up at least 1 time in the middle of the night for a feeding. I do not get her out of her bed until after 15 minutes of screaming and crying. I do not know how to break her out of the habit of waking up for a feeding. she has a regular schedule during the day and she goes to bed between 9 and 10 pm. sometimes when she wakes up in the middle of the night she does not want to go back to sleep and that is frustrating as well, but when she goes back to sleep she goes back in her bed!!

[deleted account]

I also have a 9 month old girl right now who is a very light sleeper and understand the difficulty in deciding whether to keep comforting her in the night vs. letting her cry herself to sleep, and in the end I agree with some above that you have to tune in as the mother as to why they are waking in the night. I have noticed a big jump in my baby's appetite the last few weeks and so have started giving more solids during the day and it seems to help night sleeping. Also, remember if feeding solids to give plenty of liquids during the day (water or watered-down juice, just nothing too sweet or it can create more thirst) so they are not thirsty in the night from increased solids during the day. My daughter also had sinus issues until recently and her stuffy/dry nose would wake her up, so I had to put saline drops in her nose in the night up until about 1 month ago so she could breathe freely. I think if you can rule out all discomforts (true hunger/thirst, not cold/hot/sick, sinuses clear, no poopy diaper, etc.) and they truly just need to learn to self-soothe, it is okay to let they cry it out with a comforting pat every 5-10 minutes so they don't feel abandoned. Although the patting sometimes makes them cry harder at first, I think it helps them to understand you are there for them but you are NOT going to pick them up. The crying time should lessen every night until they sleep through.

I also have a 7-year-old son (who took a binky so self-soothed very young!) who needs my time, and I realized that I need to make dedicated time with the baby while my son is at school so she feels more secure overall being on her own at night, and it also has made a difference.

So for my own peace of mind, I have decided to take a middle of the road technique based on instinct and go through a mental checklist when she awakes: Is it possible she is truly hungry/thirsty? How long has it been since she ate/drank? 3 hours or 8 hours? If 8+ hours have passed, I feed her, even if it is still only 3am. Is she stuffy, cold/hot, or uncomfortable somehow? I generally go in and check these things and use this opportunity to give that reassuring pat on the tummy and lay her back down (also tell her it is time to sleep) if all other things are okay.

IOW, I think it's important to not get so determined to let them cry it out that you ignore true signs that they need something. Not to freak you out, but I heard a mother on TV tell a story once that she was so exasperated with her baby crying at nap time that she refused to go in the room on day, determined to have him put himself to sleep. Well, he had somehow gotten his neck rapped in the monitor cord and almost strangled himself! She finally went in when the crying got weak and strange sounding and the baby ended up being OK, but it was a good reminder to me that it's important to not get so determined in teaching self-soothing that I ignore true signs of need.

Finally, as hard as it is now and knowing how tired you are, try to remember this is just a stage and they will outgrow it eventually! Also, try to get yourself to bed early. This is always a hard one for me since nighttime is my free time when everyone else is in bed! But when I do, I find the nighttime wakings are not as desperate feeling.

Kappy - posted on 10/12/2010

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You could try sleeping in her room with her. Lots of people do that. Or bringing her crib into your room (later a mattress on the floor if necessary).

I do not agree with these people who say that the child will be better off when they learn that crying will NOT bring anyone to "save" them! This is a 9 month old baby!!! Is this really what you want your baby to understand? That she/he ought to be self-sufficient at less than 1 year old? That it doesn't matter if he or she cries or is upset, cuz mom & dad won't be coming to soothe him/her? Not unless it is convenient? That is not a baby "training" you - that is PARENTING!

With my son, I was too sleepy at night to sit up with him when he nursed, so I brought him to bed with me and I never rolled over on him. I know a lot of people think they might, so if you do, that's not the way to go. But I CAN tell you that just because you bring your less-than-2 year old into your bed when he or she cries at night, doesn't mean you are destined to have them there forever. Our evening routine included nursing my son to sleep, then laying him in his crib (I noticed it was the cold sheet that woke him, so I used a heating pad to warm it & just took it away when I laid him down), only bringing him to my room if he woke at night - for my OWN convenience. Later, when he was old enough to understand, we worked on him staying all night in his room. But in that case, I sat with him until he fell asleep (usually about 1/2 hour) and then left. Then when he got up at night, I brought him back to bed holding his hand & again stayed until he fell asleep. That was at about age 2 and he had a toddler bed at that time. We used toys as a reward for staying all night in his bed, and I played soothing music for him on a stereo in his room so random noises did not scare him. Remember, little children do not know what a "settling house" sound is, or the a/c kicking on. They get all terrified and imagine very scary things. Better that they not hear that stuff until they are grade school aged and can remember when you tell them what they are hearing.

I know this is a challenging situation - do what your heart tells you to do. And change when your heart tells you it is time to change things too. Best of luck!

Kathy - posted on 10/12/2010

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what is her room doing on the other side of the house? is there no other room between yours and hers that she could use until she is fully weaned, It sounds like she is a bottle baby since dad is getting up with her. I never slept through the night until my breastfed kids were weaned, but I do agree that babies need there own beds if not their own rooms. I would say you have a problem more with dad than daughte since he is the one not taking here back to her own room. I would take her back to her room myself. My children went directly from breast to table no baby food in between.

Determined - posted on 10/12/2010

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my daughter is 17 months and does not sleep through the night. Like you her room is down the hall. I put her to bed in her crib in her room and when she wakes up in the middle of the night for a feeding I try to get her to go back to sleep (she has a nightlight and a little tv she doesn't like silence or dark so usually I turn the tv on and within a few minutes she's out), but if she won't then I take her into our room and she sleeps in a play pin. Try putting the baby in a play pin in your room that way she's not in your bed (my husband always put her in our bed and I hated it) but is still closer for feedings.

Cheryl - posted on 10/12/2010

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Read a book called "The Family Bed" by Dr. Sears. It really helped me relax about night time parenting. A lot of parents have found that a side car arrangement in their bedroom works well. A side car arrangement is a crib along the side of your bed, that way she has here place to sleep and you can roll over in your own bed. All of our children slept with us, at one time or another. They would go to bed in their own bed, and wake up sometime in the night. Breastfeeding, growth spurts, growing pains, illnesses (mine and theirs) pregnancies, and just plain jumping in bed with us in the morning to get us to get up, all to see the normal progression that all babies grow up and move on with their own lives. Our youngest is 19 years old and I can assure you that the time that they want to sleep with you (mainly for comfort and security) is over in a heartbeat. Enjoy the moments, they do not last forever!
Take some time to discover what developments are going on for a 9 month old. They are learning autonomy--that they are different from you. They are also experiencing anxiety over separation from their primary care-giver. To nurture your child at night reassures them that they are safe and protected. The time you give them now, helps them develop healthy attitudes about security in relationships and life.

Kristine - posted on 10/12/2010

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I think there are many reason that a child wakes up in the middle of the night. First In my opinion if you decide to bring her into the room put her in a pack in play but not in bed. Second, have you tried to just let her cry her self back to sleep. Sometimes kids wake up in the middle of the night and can usally fall back to sleep in 5 -30 min. You might want to just try to let her fall back to sleep and see how long it takes. Third is your child comfortable, is she hungry, wet, cold, hot? Kids wake up for all sorts of reason and as parent it is our job to figure it out. In my opinion I think you need to stop picking her up. I have read that babies need to learn to fall back to sleep if your child is wet learn to change her in the crib, if she is hungary learn to give her the bottle in the crib, if she is cold use a sleep sack. I feel that when you move a child in the middle of the night you take them from being semi asleep to be awake. Also when you lay her down at night you might need to give a little more milk/fomula. I think kids wake up because they are hungary. Good luck. Relax you will get through this phase. You have many more to go. I have a two yearold and she is in a big girl bed and still wakes up in the middle of the night but she has learned to fall back asleep and if she is wet she comes to me with a diaper so I can change her. Good luck. You can do it.

Shirley - posted on 10/12/2010

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give her some weetabix or similar safe for a 9 mth old before bed to fill her up and then be firm. have u watched supernanny?

Jerri - posted on 10/12/2010

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I think letting kids cry it out is absolutely awful! It teaches babies that if they cry no one comes. They may indeed stop on their own but at what cost. She is only 9mos old give her time. I would try putting a rocking chair in her room. When she wakes you could rock and comfort her in her room, then when she quiets you can put her back to bed in her bed. If that doesn't work take her to your bed and snuggle her till she falls back to sleep and then transfer her to her bed. Maybe she just needs to feel your heart beating. I have three kids ages 13, 10 and 6 all three are very independent and wonderful kids. All but the middle spent time sleeping in our bed from time to time, sometimes more than others depending on what was going on in their lives. The only reason the middle one didn't is cause he was always more comfortable in his bed, but he knew if he needed us he could always come in to and find us with open arms to comfort and love him. OK hope his helps and you can find peace with what ever you decide to do, because in the end that is what you have to do.

Aileen - posted on 10/12/2010

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The most important thing to remember when parenting is to be true to yourself. First, you and your husband need to talk and agree on what you want to do. Co-sleeping only works if you both are comfortable. If you don't want her in your bed, but don't want to let her "cry it out" then consider moving her crib into your room as a compromise. By having her closer, you can respond quickly when she wakes during the night yet not have her in your bed. As she grows and no longer seems to wake during the night you can move her to her own room. Think about what you need and want - what feels right to you and your husband. There is no right or wrong, really. Just be clear and consistent, whatever you decide.

Erin - posted on 10/12/2010

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I agree with Denise. Out of my children and children of friends and family it's 50/50. My first slept through the night by that time, and my 15 month old still wakes up once a night. My sister's 3 year old still gets up too. The only thing you can do is to have patience. When that child wakes up and wants to be with their mommy, hungry or not, they will get their mommy. I don't want to burst your bubble, the the old addage "to sleep like a baby" is very twisted :\ If your baby wants you, then be with them. And if you're bottle feeding then bring the bottle to their room and feed them there. I know it's demanding and we get little rest, but it's our job. Mother nature isn't picking on us. When she's 4, 5 or 6 and is independant and wants nothing to do with you, you'll be able to look back and remember the cuddles and kisses and her looking into your eyes saying "thank you" for being there for her :) Enjoy it sweetie, it goes by too fast.

Sara - posted on 10/12/2010

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that was the other thing, we didn't have a problem going in there and patting his back and telling him that we love him, as long as we stuck to the "rule" once in, no out until morning, but like I said, some moms prefer the bonding. I'd rather bond with full comprehension during the day. :)

Natalia - posted on 10/12/2010

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i am writing with compassion...and i want to say that you are not going to make it happen...it sounds like you want to control your child and make her be what you want her to be. It can be very shocking once the baby arrives and the reality of caring for a tiny being and their needs takes a hold. it sounds like you are not nursing anymore or only partially nursing. My experience of most babies is they want to be close to their parents as much as possible. what you do with your baby has to work for all of you and there needs to be give and take...what i have come to realize is that although kids are labelled as "adaptable", if we push them to take on more independence than they can handle at any stage, there will be future implications. i have learned that it is easier for me to adjust my expectations and to "learn" from my son to adjust my circumstances to give him what he needs. We coslept and nursed on demand until age two and it was often hard as i was very tired often waking with him 10 times a night. At age two i felt it was time to try his own room and there was no transition...no crying...no trying to come to our bed...it was great. And still we allow him to come to our bed if he feels scared or early in the morning after he has slept most of the night in his room. When he knows he has that freedom and acceptance then he can let us go on his own terms without drama. i know your fear that you will create a monster...but remember that all children want is to be big and grown up like we are...and before you know it you will be wishing you could turn the clocks back. Being sleep deprived is a serious thing and it makes coping with life and children very hard. So you need to find ways to take care of your yourself. It may not be a fit for your family, but maybe read the Continuum Concept for a different perspective. We are fortunate to have a king sized bed. If that is not your situation maybe you could just place a small extra mattress beside your bed on the floor so that she is close to you but you still have your space and your husband can share in the night time wake ups as he already is. There is usually no way to accurately determine why our kids do what they do, so to try to find a way to stop the expression of a need i think is not good for anyone in the long run. I think its' lovely that she wants to be with you. I have a friend who's son didn't want to hug or snuggle or nurse from a young age and it really broke her heart...but that was just his unique being expressing his needs. My son in contrast is very snuggly and wants contact. I am grateful for that. Some kids want to cosleep for a long time...some not at all...some only occasionally...i think your daughter is too young for you to expect her to understand your need for space. And it will likely be a long time until she can understand that. Lots changes in the first 2-3 years...trust that you will be able to express yourself with her and explain how you need some things to be with regards to sleeping etc. And it a process. I hope this was helpful...i speak from the more "alternative" side of parenting...i don't believe in "cry it out" or manipulating my babies. I wish you the best and lots of peace

Kim - posted on 10/12/2010

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I have the same problem and my daughter is 3 now. I have started working her into falling asleep in her room with soft music and putting the a baby monitor in her room that she can hear me talking from my room because we live in a trailer that her room is on the opposite end from mine. It helps that I can hear her and "talk" to her without having to get up and that way she will go back to sleep on her own because mommy is still right there. She still ends up in bed with me some but not all the time like she did before.
Also in order to work her into this after I moved her bed I slept on the couch close by till she was OK with being alone. Hope this helps. Good Luck.

Sara - posted on 10/12/2010

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When our son was 4 months old a Dr. (Ped.) told us, he's big enough to sleep through the night- it's a weight thing, and I was relieved. I'm not one of those mothers who can be up every night cuddling and meeting demands or I'm worthless the next day. He also said, "Train or be trained."
We chose to train. It took about a week, Doc warned us two, tops. It's the best gift we have given him and ourselves, but I have friends that have gone a year getting up at night. They see it as bonding. Kudos, that's just not me. He can get his lovin' during the day when I'm not toast. Every once is awhile, when he has had a rough day we cuddle him, but he knows how to put himself to sleep.
We use to position him so that he couldn't see us, but we could see him, just in case his head was crammed up against in the side or something. It's not for the faint of heart. I sat on the edge of the bed whilst he cried as if he was being killed. The Doc warned us of that, too.
Obviously, don't do it if the kid is sick. I heard of one couple who let their kid die in the name of letting him/her self sooth (he/she was sick). Common sense people!
Do what is right for your family and your sanity. John and I are not the kind of people that let the kids be the boss. There is a time to give in, but we wanted to draw the line at sleeping in our own beds.

Angela - posted on 10/12/2010

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Oh yes, I also use a sound machine....crickets at night and birds during day time naps. I need my sleep - I am 6 mos pregnant with number 3. very peaceful.

Dottie - posted on 10/12/2010

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There is no right answer here! I believe in letting them cry it out..But there are also times where we don't have the energy, and our children are only little once. Cherish the sweet moments as long as you can., They will be gone before you know it..

Deborah - posted on 10/12/2010

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my mother use to tell me that i spoiled my children by picking them up everytime they cried, i always felt that crying was the only way they had to communicate and i still believe that if a child cries they should be picked up or at least soothed. if you prefer the baby not to be in bed with you maybe consider a spare crib in your room just until she starts sleeping through the night. it is only our canadian culture that expects our babies to sleep alone. when you think of it they spent 9 months listening to our heartbeats why wouldnt they find comfort in sleeping with us. if at 5 she still wants to sleep with you there are lots of tips to deal with it. but if you shudder at my idea try puttting her to bed and never taking her out until morning. when she cries in the night go in rub her back until she settles back to sleep, be consistent and be prepared to be sleep deprived for a few months until she makes the adjustment. everyone can give you advice but in the end trust your instincts..after all your the mama

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