Help. My daughter is out of control. I know it's my fault.

Kayla - posted on 10/13/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hello, my name is Kayla. I am a young mother of 2 beautiful daughters. I had my first born child, Skylah, when I was very young. Her father and I did not plan on having a child but as soon as I found out, I knew I would have to give up being 16 and become mom. Her dad and I didn't stay together. He was a heavy drinker and was doing drugs and became abusive. So I left and stayed with family until I could find a steady place for Skylah and I. Eventually I met a new guy. He was very kind and loved Skylah. My mother, who we were staying with, informed me it was too difficult having myself and my daughter stay with her and her new boyfriend. We didn't have anyone else to stay with so my new boyfriend and his mother offered us a place to live. We stayed with them for about a year and half. Unfortunately, I ended up leaving him due to personal circumstances. He turned out to be another guy who only cared about getting high. Fortunately I had a great job and was finally able to afford a place of my own. I had one roommate who was a long time best friend. Everything was going great. Skylah was 3 at the time when I found out her blood father was a heroin addict and got busted and sentenced to prison. His face popped up on the evening news while we were watching it. It was devastating for everyone. I knew she wasn't going to see her Dad again for a very long time. During this time I was volunteering at a local humane society to keep myself busy and happy. There I met and fell in love with my youngest daughter's father. After we learned I was pregnant (also another unplanned, birth control baby) we decided it was best to move in together. At first everything was great. SKylah loved him very much. Her blood dad was sentenced to 5 years in DOC and Sky still received letters and occasional phone calls. We try to NEVER talk badly about her dad in front of her. She loves her dad and she loves her step dad. She will even call her step dad, Dad. Before my youngest daughter was born, Skylah started acting out a lot. Right around her 4th birthday actually (1 month before I was due to have my second daughter) She would have huge temper tantrums. I never had to spank her or ground her from toys in the past. She had normal fits before but these new ones were scary. She would scream at the top of her lungs and slam doors and throw things. It go to the point where I took everything out of her room except her bed and clothes. After the baby was born it only became worse. I knew it would be difficult for everyone to adjust once the new baby came, especially for Sky. But I always tried to include her. Whether it be helping bring me things for the baby or taking only her to the store or having a mommy daughter date to the movies. She is a great kid. So smart and such a pleasure for her teachers at school. But when she comes home, it's like she is a completely different child. She lies. She doesn't follow our rules. She hits our animals and has hit us. She has punched her step dad in the face. I've tried putting her in time out and she pushes me away and then kicks me. She will scream at the top of her lungs and say hateful, hurtful things. She has told her step dad that she doesn't love him anymore and that she wants him to leave. I feel like I have tried several approaches from being calm and stern and making her sit quietly in time out facing the corner for 4 minutes (Restarting the time when she screams of course so it turns into a 20 minute time out) I've even tried spanking her and grounding her from friends and all her toys. We've had her sit at the kitchen table and only be able to color and practice her letters to keep her calm and it always turns into a battle of her screaming and throwing a fit because "nobody wants to hang out with her" I understand she has been through a lot in her short life. I know a part of it is my fault for not having a secure relationship for so long. I feel like because there have been "father figures" in her life that have come and gone, she feels her step dad is going to just leave as well. Her behavior is impacting my relationship with him in a negative way. He says it gets so bad at home sometimes he doesn't want to come home. I'm at a loss for how to handle my almost 5 year old daughter. I'm terrified what the future will hold for us. She is so young and already has so much anger in her heart. To a stranger, the first impression of Skylah would be how smart and happy this little girl is. Her teachers tell me on a daily basis how impressed they are with her. She is very advanced for her age. However, family and close friends have seen her out bursts and are just as lost as I am with how to deal with her negative behavior. I have started to look into a child therapist. I feel she has a lot of built up emotions but I don't know how well she would open up to a stranger. Please, Moms, help me. How can I help my family and keep control of my daughter's behavior?


Perdeda - posted on 10/13/2013




Hi where should I start my oldest was the same way an I tryed therapy counciling an nothing was working but I found the 5 rule works really well first time is a strike second time warning third time is time out fourth is take away her privilege to do what she likes for the day or even week an weekend fifth is talk time is over she sits quietly with no use of words or body parts total disconnect but the thing is you sit with her hold her hand let her know your there an that if she's doing bad things an has to be punished then you will stick it out with her. It worked for me good luck.

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