HELP..please..

Jennifer - posted on 06/24/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Well like most of you moms, you all have mother in-laws and/or grandparents to your son or daughter. Well i have major issuse with my mother inlaw. Her and i got along very well up until the day that i had my son. Like all of us mom's we have rules for those who watch our children. Well with her just beacuse she is the mother of my finace she thinks these rules dont aply to her. She is the most selfish person i have ever met. But besides that. To me she is trying to be a mother to my son. She feeds him when ever she wants. We all have our own schedule when baby eats, so they will sleep through out the night. Well the days that she watches him our shedule is all screwd up. When she tells us to bring over his stroller so she can take him on a walk, we always tell her that a walk is just a walk, no where else. My fiance and i have decided that people that i dont know that he may know and visaversa, our son doesnt meet that person until we both have. Well the mother inlaw just doesnt take our son on a walk, she brings him all over her neighborehood so that she can show him off, to those she doesnt even know. She lets everyone hold him, whom to me and my finace is some complet stranger holding our son. She has tryed to give our son water. His dr. told us NEVER to give babys water, because it will kill them. And i have told her over and over again. But she never gets the clue.

My fiance and i never really fight, but latly when it comes to his mother, thats all we do is fight. So we told his mother that she will not be watching our Son, she can see him and thats it. She freaked out. She went off on how we dont trust her, so she doesnt ever want to see him. Than she will call and ask when she can. Well we have been over all of our rules with her, and she still cant follow them. So finally i put my foot down, and told her that these are our rules, you dont follow them, you dont get to see your grandson. Well she didnt like that at all. She she decided to have a meeting with just her and my finace and i about our rules and she said she would be ok with them. Well after everything was said she got very angrey with me, and said that i was talking to her like she was a 2 year old.

And one of the subjects we talked about was that, its not just me who makes these rules, its me and my finace. Everything that is decided in our sons life, is decided by the both of us. Later that night after the meeting she had called my finace (her son) that she just wanted to talk to him. Just have a mother son talk. in which i was mad. because its not just him who makes these rules, it the both of us. I am just as much my sons mother as he is his father. Well that all started a fight again. So just the other day we deciede that she can see our son on holidays. Now its not a forever thing we decided just until everything is clamed down. In which she didnt like that either. She calls me to bitch at me and to tell me that i destroyed her family and say all these things to me, than turn to run to my fiance and tell him that i said all these horriable things to her, in which was all the things that she had just said to me.



I know this is long.. and bare with me, because i really need some help. I know that she is the grandparent of my child, and i feel so bad saying that she cant see him when she would like to. And i feel bad because she is the mother of my fiance. I do not trust this lady at all with my son. And my fiance and i can never meet eye to eye on it, because she is his mother. I have no idea what to do.. I have been pulling my hair out trying to figure it all out.. There are days when i feel so bad, that i will call her and be try to be nice and just talk all this through with her so we can get past this, she does a whole 180 on me the next day.. She never was really there through out my fiances life, and there was alot that she missed out on in his life, as well as other kids she has. ANd now i feel as if she is trying to make up for it with my son.. Before i had him, she didnt want to be a grandma, she wasnt there when he was born, She seen him 3 times since he was born. He is now 3 months. But she lives right by us. But now that she cant see him, she calls all the time to. She always wants what she cant have. If it was up to just me, which it isnt.. I would never let her see him. I am so affraid that she will take off with him one day.. or do something to hurt him.. even if she ment to or not.. She has 3 kids of her own and she did daycare of tons of unyoung kids. so i have no idea why she doesnt understand where i stand..

Any advise would be great!!

Thanks so much!! For your time too.. it was way long..

12 Comments

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Heidi - posted on 06/25/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:

I hope so. But the other day, she said she that we need to rethink about getting married.. So i know that it is her way of having our son to herself, and she thinks it will work. Alot of poepl say that i have to many rules or i am to protective. Which i dont think there is a such thing as being overly protective. I am worried about the sake of my son and i dont think there is anything wrong with that.
To many rules.. maybe. but that what everyone exspects when young adults or even older parents, have there first child. But she thinks it ok, to still give babys acholoh in there bottles to help them sleep. She lets her dog lick my sons face, while she puts him on the floor next to the dog and leaves the room,


I agree that you are just worried about the sake of your son.  Its just the word "RULES" that I don't like.  Would you rather she love and take care of him or worry if she is following your rules?  To me love is so much more important than rules.   Maybe instead of rules you could use the word preferences.  This way she not feel like she was doing something you dont allow and may just surprise you and do something you prefer. 



 

Jennifer - posted on 06/25/2009

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I hope so. But the other day, she said she that we need to rethink about getting married.. So i know that it is her way of having our son to herself, and she thinks it will work. Alot of poepl say that i have to many rules or i am to protective. Which i dont think there is a such thing as being overly protective. I am worried about the sake of my son and i dont think there is anything wrong with that.

To many rules.. maybe. but that what everyone exspects when young adults or even older parents, have there first child. But she thinks it ok, to still give babys acholoh in there bottles to help them sleep. She lets her dog lick my sons face, while she puts him on the floor next to the dog and leaves the room,

Jennifer - posted on 06/25/2009

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Thank you so much for the reply.

This crazy lady that will soon be my mother inlaw, is the same way as acting like the vitume. In which she is very, very good at. She has 3 boys, and knows how to get them. Now there is me. and i dont take crap like that. But your right, She is his mother and he needs to stand up to her. But he never does, until i say somthing and get agrey. And it always seems like its me telling him what to say. He doesnt want to hurt either of us, which i understand in some ways. But there becomes a point that he needs to. And because she is his mom, he talks to her nicely which doesnt help. Or he will say some what of the truth that i would like him to say, but than trun it around and say it the way she would like it to be said. I have no idea how to get him to see what i see in her. she isnt my mother, so i see all things that he has always pushed aside to get along with her, and just ignored. Its not easy for me to do. And i refuse to. And i know, like i said it will come down to the point where he will have to choose. And i would hate if it was my mother and i, because my mom and i are so close, but he is no where nere of being close with him mother.. which doesnt make it easyer or anything, but i have no idea anymore.. i feel bad if i say "well its my way or her way"

Heidi - posted on 06/25/2009

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I respect you for being such a great mother. That said I really think you are a little too protective. Water will NOT kill your son. I used to give my kids small amounts of water when they were little and had the hiccups. They are now 10 and 6 and healthy. I do agree that old formula should not be used but over all you just have too many "rules" for his grandma to follow. My kids are 10 and 6. Both have had stitches and they were in my care at the time, this doesn't mean I don't protect them. As far as her going all over the neighborhood showing off your son, she is just being a proud Grandma, and you should be honored that she feels this way about your son. More than setting rules which you know she will not follow anyway, try telling her things that you normally do with your son. Such as.... we dont give him water because we Don't!...we don't give him formula that is older that 1 hour because it can cause him to get sick....we prefer that a lot of people don't hold him because you never know what illness people have. There is no way to shelter your son from everything but sheltering him from his grandma is sad. I have 1 grandparent left and wish everyday that I could share my kids with my Granny (who passed away 1 year ago). Good luck with your mother in law. I know it is not easy sharing him with everyone but one day you will be thankful that you did.

Amie - posted on 06/25/2009

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I agree with Deanna in that your fiance is the one that needs to talk this mother and deal with her. My MIL is a bit of a nut job at times. My hubby had a hard time at first too with standing up to her. It is his mom... I don't even like thinking my son will ever have to do it with me. Then again I will do what I can to not be a nut job. haha. Anyways,
My MIL tries to guilt us into everything. She plays the victim very well and I got to admit when we first started dating I was oblivious to it. Not anymore.. she gets me right pissed off but I refuse to deal with her anymore. My hubby does every time no matter what and it doesn't always end pretty.
My hubby also knows though that while she is his mom and family... his first family is now me and the kids. We are the priority. =) I wish you luck!

Coley - posted on 06/25/2009

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I guess my one piece of advice is that you and your fiance are not married yet so she may just being looking for ways to keep her baby boy to herself...it's a thing us mom's do I guess even if we don't realize it. He will pick you...so don't get too pushy and kinda let the issue take it's course. Once you are legally in the family to stay maybe she'll chill out!

Jennifer - posted on 06/25/2009

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I am sorry to hear that.. You do have two beautiful kids tho, i must point out!

Thank you so much for the reply. I try to tell my fiance that I dont want our kid/kids to be apart of this drama that she always makes. Everything is always about her. And know besides the feeling that she is trying to be a parent to my son, i know that she knows she is a big issuse between my fiance and i. I personaly think she likes it. Because she just cant get over it. And i know sooner than later it will come down to my fiance and her son, choseing which side. and i hate to say that, but i know it will. And thats what she wants.. She missed out on so much of her childerns life when they were younger, she left them. And now i feel as if she is trying to make it all up, and trying to fite into the shoes i am wearing..

Jennifer - posted on 06/25/2009

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Haha i know, she texts.. Its insane.

No nothing about that is to harsh. I have been trying to get in through to my fiance.

And with him, its more or less, whatever i say goes. Which sometimes isnt a bad thing, But in this case it is.. When he talks to her, she doesnt listen to him. She will cry and make him feel like he is "a piece of shit" is what he always says. So coming from me, he says, she gets more out of it. And i know she does, because now she wont even look at me. ANd i have said that i dont mean to be this horriable person to her and thats not what im trying to do. But when it comes down to my son, i get really presonal, like any other parent.. Noraml parent..would.

I have told my fiance that i know sooner or later it will come to the point were its one side or the other.. and i hat saying that, but i know it will. I personly dont think its nessary of us to fight about his mom not wanting to follow our rules. And her being his mom, she always say :well i have changed now" but that still doesnt make things better between her and i. and Iknow for a matter of fact that, that women will never change. but if she does, than its for the best. But thats her way of finally getting what she wants. Than it all will go back to the way it was. And one other thing is that, she thinks its ok to be a bitch to me, and than go off being lovey dovey with my fiance, which is fine, because she should always be like to her sons. But to exspect me to think its ok for her to see our son, when she is this horriable preson to me..

Coley - posted on 06/25/2009

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I don't have much help to offer but I can give you a shoulder to lean on...I have a MIL just like this...totally off the deep end but she didn't wait until I have our first baby she started going nuts on me the day after the wedding. Now that my husband and I have separated I don't speak to her and honestly the children are better off without that kind of drama anyways! Good luck!!!

Deanna - posted on 06/24/2009

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She texts? That is novel to me, because it took forever for me to get my Mom to use a cell phone! haha...anyway....

She needs to follow your rules. End of story. You are your son's Mom, not her. Maybe that seems harsh, but it just seems so disrespectful of you and of your Fiance. At least, in my opinion.

I think it's important that he be the one to tell her these things. She IS his mother and so it makes the most sense that he would be the one to talk to her. It might be difficult, but you and your son are his family now and protecting/defending you guys is part of his responsibility (and vice versa) and it should be important enough to him to reason with his mom

Jennifer - posted on 06/24/2009

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Thanks so much for replying!

We did decide that she could see him. Because after all she is his grandma, and that will never change, and i would never take her right of ever being able to see him. When we told her that, thats what we decided she through a fite, and said that she didnt want to see him than, since we dont trust her. But later she changes her mind. And i know that all my rules that we make wont always be the right way. And your right, But she has no intentions of ever following them. She would feed him old formula, in which formula is no longer good after and hour, siting our, and i told her that several times, but still she does it. So than again, we decided that she would no longer feed him when she seen him. And she didnt like that either.

My fiance does agree with me, but she is his mom, so he trys to be see past all these things, because she always tells him that it hurts her the way that we treat her. When she has none what so ever, respect of me, and my wishes..

And as fair as just talking to her an just ending the conversation when it goes to fair.. Well she doesnt like to talk to me on the phone.. When ever i call her she doesnt answer. So the texts me..

Deanna - posted on 06/24/2009

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I think that she needs to respect your rules. End of story.


If it is just as important to your fiance then he should be just as firm with her. Perhaps just have her over to see him when you or your fiance is around to supervise. You don't have to tell her that you are supervising her, so that should avoid a bit of an argument. And you guys will be around, that way if she tries to break one of your rules, you can stop it.





Unfortunately, everyone thinks they know what is best for babies, especially if they've had their own. And while maybe some things they did are perfectly fine, it doesn't change the fact that it is not what you want. I would make sure to keep my tone as respectful as possible, but be firm...and if she starts saying mean things simply say, "I will only have a conversation with you if you are respectful to me." and if she continues then tell her the conversation is over and hang up the phone.

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