Help with boyfriend's psycho ex

Nicola - posted on 10/03/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )




Here's the long and short of it:

12 years ago my boyfriend (we've been together for 10 years) briefly dated a girl. They dated for 3 months in which time she cheated on him with two other men - one of which was her ex.

They broke up and shortly after she announced that she was pregnant. She claimed the baby's father was the ex she dated before she and Jo hooked up. This guy left her high and dry and Jo felt sorry for her and they started an on again off again relationship.

The baby was born (while the relationship was in an off again stage), but shortly after she begged Jo to take her back. He was working in another town at the time and not doing very well financially, but still he tried to make it work.

During this period she still claimed the child wasn't his - she continually told everyone including his mother this.

Okay so one day he buys a big load of stuff for her and the child and takes her home. She's 21 and living with her parents at that stage. Her father comes out and chases Jo away like a stray dog. He also phones Jo's mom (who is the most harmless woman you can imagine) and tell her that she and Jo is basically lower than dirt.

We don't know what sparked that - I think it had to do with money. (Or Jo's lack there off - his father had just died and he was supporting his mom and underaged brother)

The ex sees Jo secretly after this and he tells her that she either packs her bags and goes with him or its over forever. She decides to stay with her folks and the relationship ends.

A few months later I met Jo and we started dating. He told me about this before things got serious, but for the last ten years we haven't heard a word from her. In fact she has looked him straight in the eye (his mother and her parents live in the same town) and ignored him on more than one occasion.

About a month ago he suddenly gets a sms from his ex's mother. The baby girl is now 11 and she wants to know her father. Which they've now decided is Jo. (I agree she looks exactly like him)

So he tells the parent that his ex must contact him. She does and we meet the little girl, Her name is Lana and she is just the sweetest angel.

Jo gets on fabiously with his daughter. His ex is going through a divorce, so at first we suspect that she just wants her child to have a father now that 'father figure' she had in her life has left.

Not so. The ex and her parents (can you believe it) starts bbm'ing Jo telling him how much she (the ex) misses him and still loves him etc etc. Jo feels sorry for them and tries to let her down easy.

He tells her that he's shown me the messages this shocks her apparantly. She gets angry and tells him she's sorry she bothered him and screwed up his life. The usual lets-play-the-victim-to-manipulate-men crap.

In the meantime Jo is calling his daugter and he's seen her two weekends in a row and has fallen completely in love with her and she with him.

Jo and I are doing the long distance thing while I search for a jb in the town he now lives in. The small town where his mom lives is on my way there. The daughter is visiting her grandparents at the moment.

Jo asks the ex if I can pick up Lana to visit him for the weekend and is told no, she has plans and they are going away until Tuesday.

He chats with Lana and as he is going to a sales conference in the city she and the ex lives in he tells het that if she was home he could have picked her and her mother up to go do something fun.

Suddenly the ex doesn't have plans anymore and will be home on the Sunday. She got the date that school starts wrong (whatever right?) So Jo asks again why I can't pick up Lana so she can visit him and me for the weekend, the big problem with the plan according to the ex was that she wasn't going to be home on Sunday.

So now she tells him that she doesn't want Lana to stay over with us, because we are not married.

Jo tells her that we could get married this weekend if thats a problem. Apparantly that is not the prblem, the problem is that she doesn't want Lana to get hurt, should our relationship fail and she get attached to me.

We've been dating for ten years! (I know I've said that before) and she was married for 2 years and 9 month. I think we're a little more stable than her marriage was.

The ex also say that she is never entering a relationship again and her parents agree that Lana cannot see her father as long as we are together.

So all of this is crap and Jo is trying to phone her parents and her, but they've all switched off their cellphones.

In the meantime Lana wants to know from Jo why she can't visit him this weekend. I don't know what they've told her, but we don't know what to say to her now.

Please some advise would be wonderful!


Firebird - posted on 10/03/2012




He needs to get a lawyer, and get legal visitation. Then the ex can't stop Lana from visiting. You guys have been together for 10 years, it's unlikely that the "unmarried" bit would hold up in court, especially since it's already been stated that you can "get married this weekend if thats a problem." As for what to tell Lana, well I'm not a fan of lying to a child.


View replies by

Gerry - posted on 10/04/2012




After he sees the lawyer, the lawyer should be able to get temporary visitation rights for Jo in the meantime while everything is sorted out. I'm a mother of 2 myself & I just wish I had this issue (that my sons father wanted to see him), but it's been about 5 years. But I would NEVER keep my son from seeing his father UNLESShe (the father) was unstable or dangerous or he was in a dangerous/unstable relationship that could put my son in harms way but that doesn't seem to be the case w/you two. So make sure Jo asks the lawyer about visiting Lana in the meantime so he doesn't lose precious time w/her. You never know, the judge may find that Lana's mother to be unstable & unfit & Jo may get full custody. Good luck!

Nicola - posted on 10/04/2012




Thanks guys. Jo's seeing a lawyer on Tuesday (thank goodness) and we'll see from there.

Kait - posted on 10/03/2012




He needs to get a lawyer, and have her served she can not legally hold a child from the father because of an unharmful relationship. She clearly is using the daughter to get "jo" back and in return is failing and now hurting the daughter and no judge will take that kindly. The woman is clearly messed and needs to know she is going to turn her daughter down the wrong path by doing this to her. Tell the daughter something came up you'll have it sorted out as soon as you can and to hang tight, to call whenever she wants ect ect but never involve the child in with mom/dad issues.

Becky - posted on 10/03/2012




First of all he needs to get legal paternity established and then he needs to go to court to establish custody and visitation. She can not lawfully say who he can and cannot be with in regards to you. I have been through this on both sides and still my boyfriends ex doesn't want me around her kids. Unfortunately my boyfriend gives in to all her demands. However he has rights as a father he just needs to go through the right channels to get it done.

Nicola - posted on 10/03/2012




Me either but I don't want to tell her, her mother is being a total psycho! *Sigh*, he's seeing a lawyer on Friday so hopefully that will help with visitation rights but in the meantime it doesn't look like anyone but us care about the wellbeing of his daughter!

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