HELP with my 6 year old

Yesenia - posted on 07/23/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )




Hello everyone,

Some of you have read my posts about my relationship problems and have offered me great advice which finally gave me the strength to leave that unhealthy relationship. He is now my ex but we share two daughters and he has been been making my life as miserable as possible to were the stress is too much. I was letting him see the girls because he said he wanted to see them every other weekend with no problems from me but he then would have the girls for that single day and spend the entire day calling me to see what I was doing and I did not want to talk to him, so that made him angry. He would argue with me and say crazy things in front of the girls every single time I picked them up and drop them off. After that it got to be too much so I had to get a family member to go and pick them up n drop them off. The insults and arguments did not stop. One day at our local dollar store he found me and my daughter and walked into the store and in front of everyone asked me why I wouldn't answer the phone and got in my face and threatened to kill me saying this in front of my daughter. I went and got an order of protection the next day who the judge gave for me and the girls because he did not trust him. Two times after that I made the mistake of allowing the oldest daughter to get dropped off by a family member to see him for the day, on the second time I was out of town and he kept calling me but I wouldn't answer him so he left me a message threatenening to take her to california and that I would never see her again. I had my parents go find him and they did, he told my parents that he was on his way to drop her back off. I think that he said that just to upset me but I haven't allowed anymore converstations or visits with him ever since then even though he continues to call and text me. I don't reply. I have called the cops but they told me that if they go and talk to him that it will make things worst which may be possible. What I am asking for is advice on how to handle my daughter through all this, her behavior has changed dramatically and she seems to think i am keeping her from him out of spite which i am not because i am willing to endure the insults from him as long as shes happy but i can not trust him with her not taking her. I don't know what to do. I am trying to go to court but have trouble with the paperwork. I am working on this but what am I suppose to do about my daughter's behavior. I know this is going to scar her for life.


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Tina - posted on 07/28/2012




Honestly - you withholding contact with him won't scar her anymore than the suffrage he is causing you! If he wants to see his children the terms and conditions need to be set by a court. And honestly I would not allow unsupervised visits until he gets treatment for his Anger. He seems to think that treating you like crap is going to make you run back into his arms - and he probably has witnessed this behavior as a child. Do you want your girls to grow up thinking that they have no worth to men?

He needs help - and I would put that bluntly to him - at some point you obviously loved him and that's where these children came from. I would let them know that their Dad loves them very much and is working on behaving better towards Mommy.

Stay strong and set boundaries!

User - posted on 07/28/2012




First of all, if you have an order of protection, you must follow it! You are disobeying an order just as much as he is if you do not follow that order. It is a legal order! Second, if HE is not following that order, call the police every time he breaks it. The police should not be 'sweeping it under the rug.' They should be charging him with failure to obey an order. Again, that is a legal order against him and is there to protect you and your children. There are so many instances you here of were men just walk right through those orders of protect and kill the ones those orders were meant to protect. Right now, those are just threats. What happens if he really does act on those threats? He is angry and you never know what an angry person will do. My ex-husband was abusive to me and my three daughters. It took my 16-year-old daughter saying she would rather go to jail than see her father before they finally decided that there really was a problem and took care of it. Please, if you still have your order of protection, use it the way it was meant to be used. Protect yourself and your children before something serious happens!

Corinne - posted on 07/28/2012




Keep this man away from you and your kids, you need to protect them from him and unfortunately this will upset them, but ultimately, it's for the best. I'm going through something similar. We're estranged from my M.I.L, SF.I.L, GM.I.L and a few others on that side, they chose to cut us off as we refused to be sucked into the drama they created. My 6yr old daughter asks why we can't see Grandma and we are truthful about it, we explain in simple terms that Grandmas behaviour towards us is unacceptable and we will not tolerate it. We have also had to deal with bad behaviour from our daughter over this, she claims it's not fair, it's mean, it makes her unhappy. We have had the school counsellor keep an eye and ear on her and she goes to talk to her every couple of weeks or so, to help her deal with her feelings. It has helped massively. The counsellor told us to talk in terms that our child would understand, don't try to explain too much and allow them to say their piece too. Don't ignore what she has to say or belittle her feelings, let her know you are there for her but you will not change your stance, you are doing this for her safety. Hammer that message home - this is for her safety.

Felicia - posted on 07/28/2012




I know you are going through a tough time, I feel for you. This is real talk, not to be offensive at all, so take it as another mom simply trying to help a fellow mom. #1. Put your big girl panties on. #2. I would cease all contact with the Dad for your and your daughters sake until the Dad gets help or acts better, which you understand, may be never.

You do not need to take abuse just for your daughter's sake-that is unsafe, unhealthy, and not based in sanity, sorry. I do not believe in self-sacrifice, for what, that helps noone.

True, there is no need to bad mouth the Dad, but that is hardly the focus of this issue; he has badmouthed you, said he will kill you, has said crazy things to your parents, and acted crazily in front of your child. I would personally be scared, cautious, rather or be prepared to defend myself. Do not take anyting lightly. However, many men are just a bunch of 'talk'
and it is a form of abuse and control.

My son's father did try to say crazy things to me (not any killing talk), tried to be verbally abusive, and I had to talk crazy to him, and to stop that on day one; I told him you will not be around my child like that, you can see him when you want, I would never keep him from you, but he will not talk to me crazy, and since I am the Mom, I will protect my child. He has been intermittant in my child's life; but that is the basis for crazy talk and actions, these men are not built to be Dad's and most never come around and were never around in the first place. I can guarantee you that your child's Dad has other issues, which can be various, and I am not saying just drugs and alcohol, but unresolved issues, job issues, education issues, and emotional issues. If you look at your relatioinship with him, you will clearly see the patterns, and his inability to treat you right, achieve his dreams; so how can he be a father to your child? His chances for that are slim, so his lashing out at you is probably how he has Always been, and it is a way to try and take the heat off him, when in reality, it exposes him for the kind of man he is.

So I had to be strong and you have to be strong and let him know that you cannot say or do anything crazy to you and that you will protect your child. I have always had high self esteem, and I don't get mad easily and have a high tolerance for dealing with people; but I do not condone any craziness for a minute.

I believe it is doing more harm for your child to be around the Dad than to not be. You just need to explain to her that her Dad is not happy, not well, or some other carefully chosen words and tell her that until he gets better, she cannot see him and that's it. Being honest with her will not scar her for life; scarring her for life is being around dysfunction and craziness and lying to her that this is normal.

You are not keeping her from him, you are protecting bad things from happening to her, which in reality, has already occurred. I cannot see how she is not having a happy and safe time around her Dad, he seems unhinged.

As parents, we have to stand up and protect our kids. Even when the stance is unpopular; or you place the guilt about the child being away from the other parent on yourself. However, I will not subject my child, nor myself to some disrespectful situation with anyone, including the bio Dad. I am the mother, I care for this child, and if you are protecting your child from these situations, if true, then how can YOU, the one that matters, feel bad about that? There are always goiing to be people in your ear, but I guarantee you, if you were neglecting your child, the story would be different. Your child does not need to be with the Dad 'at any cost.' Too many bad things can occur.

A lot of times women let this unnecessary guilt engulf them into decisions that are not best for them or their child due to some break in reality, be real-this man is not being a father, if he was, he would stop all the craziness, leave you alone, would not say the things he says, not make threats, and be there for his daugther 100%. There are plenty of men who do not act as you describe and are there for their children. So look at it as there is another way to live; noone should be consistenly unhappy, scared, guilt-ridden, in dysfunction, etc.

Not sure what the court and papers are, but court, papers, etc. are a protection, but can only do so much and do not help you live day to day. They only help in the event something occurs, which you are trying to prevent.

So, I would find a way to get you and your daugther to a safe and happy every day life.
Number one, cutting contact, changing phone numbers, moving (if you can), stop talking to the Dad, stop involving him. Nothing will change until you take charge and make changes in your approach to this situation. At this point you are allowing yourself to be be controlled by someone who is out of control. It is not your job to help him, but to raise and protect your child. You are allowing this man to say things to you, treat you badly, and thus treat your child badly, but, people allow things to be done to them.

So, you cannot change how he acts, or wish he did better as a dad, etc, you CANNOT CHANGE HIM!

But, you can change how you respond and you can dictate how you will be treated by choosing to live a happy life for you and your child. You have a dream about happy life, I am sure. Make it happen. Best of luck to you!

Ryann - posted on 07/27/2012




Be honest with her but definitely don't bad-mouth her father to her. Good luck. I pray things get better for you.

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