How can i protect daughter when court order says dad must have her for weekends against her wishes?

Caroline - posted on 04/25/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )




I had a short intense relationship with my daughters father. He tried to rape me in my sleep when the relationship began to fail and we split 5 months before she was born. I have witnessed him touching and scrutinizing her genitals on several occasions but judge says this is clumsy paternal affection! My daughter has seen him on 3 weekly basis since birth due to living 150 miles apart but now he has new partner and baby on way and judge has ordered she must stay with him on a 3 weekly basis and half of all her school holidays. She sobs into her pillow at thought of going with him and leaving me and her two brothers but up till now has gone quietly and meekly on days out with him. Judge has told me it is time I grew up and cut the apron strings and it is not for children to tell us what they want to happen, they should do as adults tell them. My daughter will be 5 in June. Her eldest brother is suffering from depression over this, as am I and to be honest I sometimes think I have completely failed my children and maybe they would be better off without me. I always wanted my daughter to know her father and rest of family but we have been so happy as a family till this court case. Now our lives are filled with confusion and uncertainty. I can't see a way out of this and it seems nothing we present to this judge is going to make any difference. I talk to my daughter about her right to privacy when dressing/bathing etc but at this age its so difficult and her only concern is that I won't be with her when she is so far away.


Jenn - posted on 04/26/2011




What do you mean he "scrutinized" her genitals? Is it also possible that you are putting your feelings onto her? I think this happens a LOT, where the Mom/Dad feels a certain way about the other parent, and intentional or not, those feelings are passed on to the kids. You say that you are depressed about it as is your son, just because she has to be away sometimes - she's very likely picking up on that and feels like she's the reason why you are upset/depressed - as if it's her fault because she has to leave. Either way, it sounds like some counselling would be helpful for you and your kids to help deal with this situation. Now, having said all this - if you meant that he has molested your daughter - then you need to find a new lawyer and another judge and go back to court - because if he molested her, he should NOT be having unsupervised visitations with her.

Katrina - posted on 04/26/2011




I would also suggest maybe getting a lawyer (I am sure there are ones who do consults etc. for free) at a minimum to see where you stand....
Another thing, if your daughter is so upset at the thought of going to her dad's (and the judge is not believing, by word of mouth, how bad it is), maybe make a video or something that shows physical proof of how bad her reaction is (I would guess that judges would probably be warned of "over-zealous" parents trying to keep the children from the other parent - video proof of the episodes may help to show that you are trying to help your daughter and are not being spiteful).
Otherwise, is there any way you can request another judge, I have heard of criminal proceedings where they can swap judges if it appears he/she is being biased for/against the issue and is not acting impartially as they are supposed to.

Good luck to you and your family in your pursuit of safety for your daughter. My thoughts are with you

JuLeah - posted on 04/25/2011




Judges have waaay too much power. Get your kid into see a counslor, today if possible. Find someone who works with kids, who understands sexual abuse, and who can realte at her level - play thearpy maybe. You ned professionals in yoru court. Your voice will be ignored, you need professionals who will speak on your behalf. Document everything. Give your daughter langauge, so if something happens, she can talk about it. Don't coach her, or put words in her mouth, just give her language.

Get a professional who will talk about how this situation is damaging to your child, get her doctor to talk about how depressed she is, get her teachers to write a letter of concern ..... who is in the 'rest of the family'? Are they going to be around. Can they act as your eyes? Will they protect her? What about the new wife? Have you talked with her?
This sucks, it is not fair, and the laws are not written to protect children .... I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep fighting for her. Just knowing you are working to stop this, knowing she has someone in her court, knowing she has someone who believes her makes a world of difference!! Being seen, and heard matters more then I can say. She is lucky to have you and not be facing this alone.

Lisa - posted on 04/25/2011




Contact your county's child protection agency, explain your situation and ask what you need to do. You can also contact your county's district attorney's office for help. Has her dad touched her genitals with clothes on or off? Once is clumsy parenting, anything more is inappropriate, wrong, need to contact social services about abuse. Contact whoever you need to get your case heard.

[deleted account]

Is she in counseling? If not, get her in ASAP.... like tomorrow. Find out how much, if any, inappropriate touching has happened and have the counselor help you teach her what to do/say if ANYONE tries to touch her.

I wish I had more answers for you. I would fight that court order as much as possible WITH professional help. You don't want to violate the order, unfortunately, cuz then you run the risk of him getting even MORE time.

Good luck!! My prayers are w/ you and her!!


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Carly - posted on 02/18/2014




i know this post was a long time ago but please help am in similar situation what happened???

Lorna - posted on 04/26/2011




the judge is an ass ! first u must insist that your case is heard by a different judge,second you should engage the services of a child counsellor to find out if it really is happening as that will give u the proof u need to go before the judge.

I had similar probs with an ex years ago,he would turn up at my house to collect my daughter while intoxicated,then expecting me to allow her to go in his car to be driven down the motorway with him while he was in that state,i duly sent him away.

I had a 5yr battle over visitation rights that he wanted,i told the judge about his drinking and it fell on deaf ears,the judge told me i was an overprotective paranoid mother and if i didnt abide by the court order i would go to prison,so the state effectively put my daughter in danger, i managed to stop his visitation visits when he hit my daughter round the head when she was 5 1/2 years old because she got a toy out of the toy box after the tidying up had been done for bedtime,so i promptly stopped sending her and yes i risked jail but as far as i was concerned she wasnt going and that was that,he never contested it and he never fought for visitation rights after that,sometimes the law is an ass,it makes me sick that so called judges in a position of trust can allow these things to happen and branding the mother as over protective and paranoid,my daughter got hurt and that was the judges fault and yet they remain unpunished for their actions,my advice to u is if u genuinely believe that your ex is a molester then u should stop his visitation immediately,your daughter has only one child hood and one mother and it is your job to protect her, but and i say but...if u are making this up then u need to be aware that the law will ultimately deal with u in the appropriate manner & when your daughter grows up she will never forgive u for telling such lies and taking her daddy away......please dont think that i dont believe u.....but i have in the past known people who have made up stories about their ex's and the devestation it has caused to the people involved , the child and families it totally destroyed them all,so all i say to u is to be completely sure that u are right in your suspicions,then stop your daughter going with immediate effect because the battle that may follow will not be a pleasant one, good luck caroline and i hope u manage to resolve this one way or another xxxx

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