How do i get thru to my ten yr old step son??

Danielle - posted on 06/27/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )




My step son and I have known each other for 6 years. I have raised him for 3. Before he came to live with us he was perfect! He was good and normal and we were best friends. Then once he lives with us he showed us his true colors! He is horrible in school unless I go to school with him. He back talks, he can not do anything unless someone tells him, everyday he is expected to do the same things like make bed get dressed brush teeth, but he cant manage them unless I tell him to do them every day. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and is currently on meds which we have tried atleast 20 different kinds. Not a day goes by that we are not fighting because he can not do anything that he needs to. Barely can remember to use the bathroom I am at my wits end with him and think it would be best if he would just go live some where else. I am pregnant with my husband and I's second child and I do not need or want the stress of him. My son who is almost three is starting to repeat what his brother is doing and I cant handle another child like that. He lies multiple times a day, even when I catch him lying he still does it. HELP!!


Michelle - posted on 06/27/2012




I would go back to the dr. and talk to him about ODD my son has this and what you describe sounds like my son when he was little he has to take one med for his adhd and another for the odd but he is a totally different child when his meds are working. I would look up the symptoms of odd and see if he fits into this criteria if so then he may just need a second med for the odd.


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Danielle - posted on 06/27/2012




Inattentive Symptoms
· often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork,
work, or other activities;

· often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities;

· often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly;

· often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish school work, chores, or
duties in the work place (this failure is not due deliberately refusing to do it or not
understanding instructions);

· often has difficulty organizing tasks or activities;

· often avoids or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort;

· often loses things necessary for tasks or activities;

· is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli;

· is often forgetful in daily activities;

Hyperactive/Impulsive Symptoms
· often fidgets with hands or squirms in seat;

· often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected;

· often runs about or climbs excessively in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents and adults, may be limited to subjective feelings
of restlessness;

· often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly;

· is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor"

· often talks excessively;

· often blurts out answers before questions have been completed;

· often has difficulty awaiting turn;

· often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g. butts into conversations or games)

This is ADHD and this is him to a t. And no medicine has helped to even make him do his school work. The teacher even tells him every day I dont know is not an answer.

Danielle - posted on 06/27/2012




Also my son is diagnosed with Optimal definancy disorder already! So I know about all that. But it is weird he is sweet but its like he does things to make me mad on purpose. When I ask why he does something he says I dont know or because I want to.

Danielle - posted on 06/27/2012




The only reason I think him living some where else is even an option is so maybe he will be better there. I am not talking about giving him away it is just really hard on the both of us. Every dr and counselor we have been to has said I am doing everything thing right. I have tried every thing. I have tried writing sentences, standing in time out, going to bed early, ignoring it, and so much more. And his mother is not involved and hasnt been since he was a baby he was half raised by his grandparents who let him do what ever he wanted literally and told him he could to no wrong and was never punished. Then his mom left my husband and my son only got to come to his grandparents on weekends and when he was there is was poor baby did they beat you or not feed you and that is where I think he picked up the lying. He knew if he said life was horrible at his moms he would get things not from me but grandparents. And found out later he was say the same stuff to his mom to get things also. Long story short we thought there was some things going on that wasnt and finally after six years of my husband fighting for him got custody and she gave up rights to him. my son was totally fine with it and has not spoken to her in over two years. I am very open about it with him. I tell him if he wants to contact her that he can and it is ok to talk about her. He was just really happy to be out of her home. I also gave him the option to call me mom or not. It did not matter to me and he decided he wanted to which I was happy. And he started behaving bad in school about six months before he was living full time with us. And I also have tried the same thing you do with the list of things needing to be done before school and before bed on his wall next to his light switch and he never looked at it just would ask me instead or just not do it. His responsibility in our home is to take the trash out and to make sure his room is clean before bed. He waits till I tell him to. the trash will be over flowing and he will throw something a way and I will say dont you think it needs to be taken out. And its oh yeah. I know it is little things but it is 100 little things every day.

Jodi - posted on 06/27/2012




Ok, firstly, you need to STOP thinking about sending him to live somewhere else. This is your partner's son. If it was your son, would you make that choice? No. So don't think it with your partner's child either, that's not fair. This is not his fault. So take that thought OFF your list entirely. Don't even give it thought.

Secondly, some of what you describe is actually very normal pre-teen boy behaviour. I have two boys, now aged 13 and almost 15, and believe me, I have had to be their brain through those pre-teen/early teen years. Biologically, the testosterone surge they get at that age renders them practically useless, and in many ways, we have to be their brains for a while. Rather than get frustrated at his forgetfulness, try to understand the underlying reasons for this, and you will find your frustration will reduce, and you will instead focus on strategies to combat this.

What worked for me was sticking lists on their bedroom doors. One list was a list of everything to be done in the morning to get themselves organised, the other was a list of everything to be done when they get home in the afternoon. This eliminated a lot of frustration, and also the fights. All they had to remember was to check their list.

Now, admittedly, my kids do not have ADHD, BUT you need to be careful attributing every behaviour issue you have with your child to ADHD, because otherwise, you are trying to solve ALL of the issues with medication, when in fact, that may NOT be the problem.

With regard to the lying and talking back, what consequences are you giving him for that kind of behaviour right now? Maybe you need to modify your discipline techniques, but it would help if we knew what you do at the moment. Also, how involved is dad in this situation?

Was he always horrible in school, even before he came to your house? Where is mum? Maybe her absence is a reason he is acting out?

There are so many things to consider here that it is difficult to know how to advise you. But stop making the things he forgets to do a fight, it doesn't need to be. That could then be one less thing that is upsetting you.

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