how do i prove my boys dad is no good for him?

Claire - posted on 01/31/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )




my son had not seen his dad in 3yrs and we travelled over 300miles and gave his dad another 2nd chance for the god knows how many times, but when we got down and saw him he dropped his son to go out street racing with his mates like an 18yr old when he is 32. He has never been there for his spiritual well being, never been bothered about his school work, how he lives, anything about his autism, drs and hospital appointments, ive gave him every oppotunity but he declines and makes it all about me and him and can never have a proper conversation. when we lived close by i used to call up his parents and family all the time for support but they refused but when my sons brothers mother used to phone them up they would go round and get him happily. the family demands photos and updates but yet they cant actually support us. But over the 3yrs he has not seen him for my son has grown so much, in everyway. his education, his welfare, his behaviour, everything about him has improved without the input of his dad and his family, my boys dads ex wife also had to do the same and also my boys brother has improved so much more. but now im being accused of being the bad mum. when ever his dad gets a new girlfriend or new mates he will drop his kids at the drop of a hat and had proven this. i thought that this time he might change but he has shown he hasnt. my boys dad can not offer my son anything, he whinges bout paying csa, all he can do is play wiv cars and play station with him. but i believe that kids need structure, education and security. i read with my kids, help them with their homework, im always involved at school and ive never gave my son a day off school till now so his dad could have this oppotunity but he obviously didnt want it. ive also had proof that he hit my boy for no reason, because his new wifes kids wanted to play with my sons toys that was bought for him and he is not good with interaction beause of his disability. what do i do? do i take this further and make sure this all ends because it hurts me more to see my son treated like this even if he dont know whats going on... i do tho! any input would be greatfull


Ngaire - posted on 02/22/2011




He doesnt sound like a good role model at all. BUT as a daughter of a 'dead beat dad,' my mum never said a bad word about my father. She let me figure it out by myself. I think that if I felt that she was keeping me from seeing him somehow, I would have had lots of resentment towards her. It is a delicate matter indeed. Tread with caution.

Kimberly - posted on 02/23/2011




I know your pain!!! My now 5 yr. old daughters' biological father (whom I was n an abusive relationship with for 4 yrs.) put everything above a family...When I found out I was prego things seemed to change as far as the physical and sexual abuse but there was still verbal and cheating, and when I was finally tired of EVERYTHING he was putting me through, I left him...Unfortunately, he takes care of all his other gf's kids, doesnt pay child support (actually says he's drawing disability for bi-polarness which i know that if he did she would draw a check like he did when his mom went thru it which isnt the case...he just thinks I'm dumb and dk all that), dont call, only recently had he started to text to check on her, and has seen her 3x's is 3 n a half yrs. (each with a different gf of course)...The hardest part for me is the questions she starts asking when he decides to POP up outta nowhere and tries to make himself look like the best dad ever...His fb profile pic is actually a pic of him and her that was taken one of the 3 times he's seen her and it sometimes gets under my skin but I let it go...I have since married to a wonderful husband who understands that I was young and dumb and that he was my first n we have a now 11 month old son together...My husband has accepted and been there for my daughter and treats her like his own to the point where she calls him daddy and her biological father by his actual name...She doesnt know him and he's starting to regret everything he has done in his past (just not enough to make a big change for the future)...Unfortunately, u can't make him see the things about his father that u see because he knows no better...He'll have to learn for himself as the time passes...If the father dont make an effort, then I wouldn't push the issue...Luckily for me, her father and I were only engaged and never married when she was born so unless he took me to court, he has no rights to her. And just to clarify before anything is said, I know theres alot of people who will read this n think "well its her stupid fault for being in a relationship like that and getting prego" or "I would never let a man do that to me", etc. but until you have been there, u dk what its like to b isolated from family and friends and have to go thru everything on ur own and start to believe the things he tells u to make u feel crappy and finally have the courage to leave. The abuse didnt start til after we were engaged (for those who will say "well if it were so bad, y get engaged") n I was told by dr.s I couldnt have kids because of the female problems I had when I was 16 so regardless of the hell I went thru, i consider it a blessing in disguise...I love my kids and theres nothing I wouldnt do for them...As long as you are there, thats all that matters...He'll grow up to appreciate it one day.

Louise - posted on 02/23/2011




If your ex is hitting your son then you need to get supervised visits for him as this is not acceptable. But, you are on dodgy ground to try and ban him from contact with your son. Never, never prevent your child with contact with his father because your child will blame you in the future. Always make it clear to your son that you do not mind if he sees his dad and that you will never stop him from coming around. This way your son knows you have done your best and that it is not your fault.

I agree your ex sounds like an arse hole but he does have a right to visit your son. If he repeatedly lets him down then there will come a point that your son will not want to have any contact with him any more, but that has to be his decision and not yours.

Annamr1972 - posted on 02/03/2011




If your son doesn't notice, don't call his dad. Don't keep him from his dad. Just wait for his dad to come or call him. I would document everything... when he calls, visits, etc. How long the visits were and how they affected your son. If it ever came down to anything legal you would have documentation. Just enjoy your son. If you feel like he needs more stereotypical man activities or a role model find some. A grandparent, uncle,etc. Not really a boyfried of yours because in my experience they come and go and sometimes make things worse if the child had really bonded with him. (have a boyfriend if you want obviously, just don't make him the child's only male role model) I don't know if you have access to Big Brother and Sisters- they were WONDERFUL for my son. I speak from experience quite similar to yours. Get him involved in clubs, groups, sports etc. Don't make his dad the cornerstone of his life because obviously, your X has not made his son the cornerstone of his. Just my opinion.

Amber - posted on 01/31/2011




I don't think you should keep him from him, but you shouldn't be driving 300 miles so that he can NOT see your child. If he wants to see him, tell him to get in the car and come visit.
If his family wants updates and pictures, tell them to come visit. Then they can see how he's doing and take their own pictures!
Don't exclude them from your child's life, but don't flip your life upside down for them either. Put the ball in their court and make them do somthing to be a part of his life. If they choose not to, that's on them. It then becomes their problem and their fault, not yours.


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Claire - posted on 03/07/2011




thank you everyone for your comments i see where everyone is coming from, i have been in meetings with professionals ect ect as my son has autism it has to be delt with accordingly as a slight change in his routine effects him in a big way! i have backing from school and drs about how it would effect my son if there was a change in his routine and his bio-father does not know the ins and outs, his behaviour, mentality, and how to care for him. and we have been in contact with him and asked him would he like to come and see how i do things i gave him opptunity and he didnt want to take it :( i try everytime and i dont know why, but instead of him poppin up ere n there wen he feels lonely or like it, and disrupting my sons life and ours and his school life and confusin him, we have all agreed if he was to take any action on me for contact that their opinion is that it doesnt happen til my son is at least 12 because my sons mental age is not up to his actual age so he's behind. ive gone through so much with my son, and helped him to get to where he is now, i aided his development throughout his life and had to do my best when my son was having a moment and needed calming down, or the endless days he'd be awake for! i done this all on my own also with another child. what my ex doesn't realise is my son wont hate me for not letting him see him sooner, never, and i dont need to tell him anything bad bout him because that aint my style my son will find that out for himself, but if he was to show a tiny bit of interest i would welcome it but every advance we've made to him he's declined :) thank you everyone for your comments :) x x

Tina - posted on 02/22/2011




definately get some legal advice i don't think you can stop his dad from seeing him but may be able to work it out so he has supervised visits. It's difficult because no matter how bad a parent treats you, you still love them.

Claire - posted on 02/02/2011




why do mothers hurt more though when they know whats going on and the child doesn't. my sons condition stop from from noticing what we do, and the school agree'd. but i think your all right why should i bother to give him the chance he should be making the effort to come see his son. i think i am going to give it 6months. see if seeing him again might knock some sense into him! thank you everyone x

Bonnie - posted on 01/31/2011




If the guy hasn't seen his kids in 3 years, to me it doesn't sound like he cares. He should be making it his business to come to you.

Tracy - posted on 01/31/2011




I'm with Teresa here. If he's not contacting you seeking visits, then just quietly go away and raise your boy. As for his family, don't respond to them. None of them seem interested in actually being a family for your child, so build him a stable, loving home on your own.

[deleted account]

So.... he didn't see his kid for 3 years and then you brought the kid to go see HIM? If he doesn't bother to come see/contact his kid.... why do you need to even bother to do anything other than just living your life for you and your son? Am I missing something else here?

Katherine - posted on 01/31/2011




Unfortunately, I don't think legally you can keep him from his dad. However you can definitely minimize his visits. Have you gone to court? I don't know where you llive so I don't know the laws there....
But here you can't keep a father from seeing his child unless you have a REALLY good reason, IE: abuse, jail, things of that nature.

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