How do you feel about other people discipling your kids?

Donna - posted on 12/26/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )




I am a grandma who has raised 3 of my 5 grandchildren and one we have adopted. My daughter new boyfriend/fiancee takes it upon himself to not on discipline my grandkids but to interrupt in conversations he has no business in.

Last night, my 11 year old granddaughter asked if she could clean up the kitchen after Christmas dinner, I said sure, thank you for offering.

I'm in my office and I hear her mother tell her that's enough and for her to stop cleaning.

My granddaughter comes in the office and calmly sits down and says, "Mommy made me stop cleaning up". I said yes, honey I heard.

Then out of no where, here comes the boyfriend reprimanding my granddaughter saying, "Mckenzie, I'm not going to allow you to pit parent against parent." I asked him what he was talking about and that I would appreciate it if he did not correct my grandkids in my home. Which I have asked him not to do this before but his response is always, "If I see any kids doing something wrong I am going to correct them."

I told him that what my daughter allows him to do in their home was between them but I would not allow him to correct my grandchildren in my home when it is a conversation that was not necessary in the first place.

McKenzie was not upset or yelling when she came to my office, She just calmly sat down and said mommy made me stop, I said I know sissy I heard and that was that.

No pitting parent against or any thing like that. But let's assume for a moment that's what she was trying to do...why does he feel he has the right to but into my conversation with my granddaughter...who I raised for 9 years? I don't get it.

I am a firm believer that you do not discipline other peoples kids, especially when you are having a conversation with the child and you interrupt them.

I have asked him time and time again not to do this and well. it finally blew up yesterday at dinner.

My daughter even allows him to spank the children, which just riles me to no end. Corporal punishment is a whole other debate but that being said, I do not believe adults should spank other peoples children. And I have told him as much.

In the mist of the debate, my daughter comes in without even knowing what took place and starts yelling at me, taking her boyfriends side without even knowing what is going on.

I love my daughter very much but how can we family functions when the parenting philosophies are totally different? I would never go to his home, jump into a conversation he is having with one of his kids and proceed to lecture them......Especially in this case when what he was doing was way out of line...his scenerio of the situation didn't even happen.

And his attitude, " I will correct any child I see doing something wrong." Hey life or death, sure prevent them from being hurt, other wise BACK OFF and respect the rules of the home you are in!


Mommabird - posted on 12/29/2014




I can see both sides of this. I can see your side as the person whose been raising her and taking over the parenting, not liking him interrupting and taking over the situation, causing more conflict than was necessary. But by the comment he made "pitting parent against parent" sounds like she has done it before and he was making sure thats not what she was doing. Is it possible that when she came in and told you her mother made her stop she was hoping for you to react to it by 'pitting against" her mother? Even though you didnt react that way, its possible thats what she was doing , and he knew it. Our kids try to do that occasionally and both my husband and I shut it down real quick. Our daughter does it everytime we go to Nana's. Even Nana has to remind her "If mom and dad said no, dont come ask me". We have to let kids know we(adults)work together, not against each other. So i agree that the best thing to do is sit down with them and get on the same page so noone gets their "toes stepped on" in the future.

Guest - posted on 12/29/2014




It sounds like maybe, after thinking over it, you were not so much upset about the fact that he is disciplining the children, but rather you were more upset about the way in which he did it--that fact that he interrupted your conversation with her and "stepped on your toes" so to speak.

I agree with the others, that if your daughter has custody of the kids, and has decided he will be helping out with discipline, that is her choice, and you have to respect that, but it doesn't mean you can't all be on the same team.

Sit down with your daughter and her boyfriend and ask that in the future, if they need to speak to your grandchildren about a discipline issue while at your house, you are fine with that, but if you are having a conversation with the child when they come to speak to her, as you were in this situation, to please tap on the door and say something like, "I need to speak to _____ about what just happened." and you will be happy to wrap up your conversation quickly or put it on hold so that they can speak to the child.

This will keep both you and the child from feeling stepped on and interrupted, plus, it will limit the child's ability to pit you against each other because she will see that you, the mom, the boyfriend, and all of the adults in her life have the same goals in mind for her. You all want her to be disciplined and learn from her mistakes so that she grows into a successful and happy adult, so work together to accomplish it rather than fighting each other over who is responsible for it.

Ev - posted on 12/26/2014




Well said Dove.

But as for actually disciplining kids of mine: I have a friend that has the same age kids that I do and as they grew up we did discipline each other's kids all the time. We could be together or babysitting each other's kids. Even being in the same place, if my kids did something and I did not see it or know, I would expect be alright and was alright with her doing something about it and she would tell me later. We have the same principals on discipline. When my kids were with their dad and step moms (they have had two) their step moms could do some discipline but not spanking. I would not go for that. When I am at my parents' home, if my kids did a no-no they would take care of it no matter if I was there or not and I had no issue with it. To me if the relatives are able to handle the situation if I am not in the room, they have the right to do what is in my kids' best interest just as my best friend has had over time. Even now that my oldest is grown and so on, she even has say over her brother who is seven years younger if he is in her home.

What I am saying is that for me relatives, certain friends, and so on do not bother me in disciplining my kids. When it comes to strangers...then I do.

Dove - posted on 12/26/2014




Well... who has custody of these kids that he is correcting? If YOU have custody... then yes, you have every right to tell him what he can and can not do. If you do not have custody... it isn't your call. Yes, you can control what does or does not happen in your home... but only by not allowing people who 'break your rules' to come to your house.

Whether or not 'I' agree w/ him... or even if 'you' agree w/ him does not matter (unless, like I said... you have custody rights). What matters is what the legal guardian of these kids does and does not allow.

If you don't like it and they don't respect that... you have the right to not allow them over.

If the children are in legitimate danger... you have the right to report it.

Otherwise... you are really just going to have to accept it or risk losing a relationship w/ all of them.

It sounds like all the adults in this situation would possibly benefit from a sit down conversation about all of this... perhaps w/ a counselor as a 'mediator'... before the children get torn apart between you and their mother.


View replies by

Donna - posted on 12/29/2014




Wow - nice to see others perspective on this. It sounds like I need to rethink my position, either that or I didn't do I very good job explaining the situation.

I agree with both of you. My issue was when he followed her to my office and proceeded to lecture her in the middle of our conversation and correcting her for no reason.

His interrupting me with my grandchildren is the part I do not like. I can correct them myself. I do not need his help.

But...Sounds like I need to rethink the whole scenario based on your responses.

thank you for your sound advice

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms