How should I deal with Bio Mom?

Aimee - posted on 09/02/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man who have a now preteen daughter. His daughter loves me very much, we have a very good relationship, so there is no problem there. But my boyfriend's ex-wife, her bio mommy, seems to always find something to complain about. I have NEVER tried to replace the bio mom, nor will I ever, and their daughter knows that. I WANT to get along with he bio mom, but it's so hard to like her when I hear about or read the emails she sends to my boyfriend, especially the ones that have to do with me.

My boyfriend and I do plan on getting married, and we are basically engaged without the ring, but we don't see the point in rushing into a wedding when we can't really afford it yet. Yes, there is always the option to just go to the court house, but I want to include their daughter in the wedding, and she really wants to be in it as well. And this is very hard because the bio mom doesn't seem the take our relationship seriously, therefore doesn't see me as an equal. Or at least that's how I feel it is. Their daughter never knew them together because his ex-wife left when their daughter was less than one. Bio mom is remarried, is also a stepmom, and have created a blended family.

I did not initiate any affection towards their daughter, because I wanted everything to be on her terms based on her comfort level. I wouldn't even kiss my boyfriend in front of their daughter for months. I didn't t tell their daughter I loved her until after she started saying "I love you" to me first; I didn't call her over to snuggle until she started calling me over to snuggle; I didn't give her kisses on the cheek until she started kissing me on the cheek; I didn't kiss her on the lips until she started kissing me on the lips; I didn't make her open up to me until she felt like she could open up to me. EVERYTHING has been on her terms when it comes to affection and communication.

Bio mom believes it is inappropriate of me to tell their daughter I love her, text her, tell her I miss her, talk to her on the phone when she calls her dad, or even discipline her by simply enforcing the rules and consequences at our home. If I do any of the above, bio mom sends my boyfriend venting emails about me and about him as a parent (in addition on other emails).

I want to be strong for my relationship to work with my boyfriend, and for his daughter (I don't want to leave her and possibly mess her up for life), but the 3 years of all these emails are really starting to get to me.

Do you believe I am doing anything wrong? How can I deal with all this? I know everyone says "just ignore her," but I don't want to have a bad relationship with this woman. I want a good relationship, knowing we will be in each others lives until one of us dies first. HELP!


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John And - posted on 09/02/2012




Your boyfriend shouldn't be telling you about the e-mails anyway. Let him deal with her.

Lacye - posted on 09/02/2012




You aren't really doing anything wrong. Your stepdaughter seems to care about you and that's all that really matters. I know how hard it is to just ignore the birth mom. I've been trying for years now myself. The best thing I can tell you is, just stop reading the e-mails. They are obviously upsetting you and you will be better off not knowing. Now if she threatens you in some way, then I would read them but other than that it's just birth mom being jealous that her ex has moved on without her.

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