How to deal with my babys mentally abusive father?

Caroline - posted on 09/19/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )




Are there any mothers out there that have delt with or have been dealing with your ex boyfriend/husband who is the father of your first child being mentally abusive? I need advice. Please. To me, the relationship ended because he was mentally abusive, controlling, showed no sign of trust in me at all, he has alot of anger problems, and seems to have no respect towards women with the way that he talks about them. Aside from him being a good person 25% of the time, the other 75% of the time I got comments made to me when I was pregnant such as, "If you dont give the baby my last name, I wont father it." "Your such a bitch" "You always choose everyone and everything before me" "Your such a retard" etc... After our son was born, I still get nasty comments said to me such as, "You ruined my life" "Drop the child support and i'll be civil with you" "I hope you get shit on" "Your crazy and so is your family" etc... There is SO MUCH MORE but thats a small version of it... In between since I got pregnant he has apologized and said I wont do these things anymore if your not mean to me anymore. We were back and forth so many times however recently, I finally got the strength to remove myself from the relationship after he grabbed me and tried ripping my son off of me. Even removing myself from the relationship, he still manages to make horrible comments to me any chance he can, and tell others of how Im this horrible crazy girl that just takes his money and everything else and it really does hurt my feelings. I dont want to have to walk on eggshells and constantly be scared of being put down for the rest of my life since we share a child. I dont mant my child to be put in the middle either. He'll use our child whenever he is mad at me by not picking him up on time, or completley ditching out on having him all together because he wants to go party instead because he says he "works so much" on the weekdays he deserves to go out. I dont know what to tell myself to not let the nasty things he says to me get to me??? And I dont know how to make certain that my child never gets put in the middle or anything he shouldnt experience??? This is the most difficult, stubborn, insensitive man I have ever come across in my life and I wish I wouldve known this before I ever became a couple with him.. But how do I deal with him from this point on??? I just wanna be happy with my child and not sad over his comments, and all the people he sleeps with and all the horrible things he does anymore. I dont wanna be scared of him anymore..


Ariana - posted on 09/19/2012




I suggest limiting your conversations with him. At this point unless it has something to do with your child you do not need to speak with him or deal with any comments. This means YOU do not respond to negative comments from him, YOU do not call, email, text or reply to those things unless it is specifically to do with your child. No matter what he says, how badly it hurts you ignore the comments. Once you stop allowing these things he's saying hurt or affect you, and I mean for real not just pretending, you take away all his power over you. Whatever he does, or whoever he sleeps with (other than pertaining specifically to your child) is none of your business. You can not, and will never, be able to control his actions you can only control yours.

So I would tell him straight out, in a calm manner, that you are glad to have such a wonderful son with him and you hope you two will have a civil relationship for your child. From now on you will not accept any negative comments about yourself and the only subject you two will have is your child. If he misses or is late for picking his son up do not refer to it, it is his loss. Do not speak negatively about him with your son NO MATTER WHAT. Even if his dad is saying mean things about you or doing stupid things it is this boys father and he will remember what you've said about him ( I don't know if you've ever done that it's just a common thing that happens).

Whenever you let his comments affect you it's YOU letting his comments affect you, not him. You do not need to contact him with anything other than your son and you should not. Always be calm and considerate when you speak with him, even over emotionally charged issues, this will drive him CRAZY, trust me. Controlling people want control over you and you just need to take it away by not bying into this anymore. You were strong enough to move on from this relationship you are strong enough to deal with him in a mature and unattached way. How he acts and what he does is not your problem. Good luck!

Arianna - posted on 09/07/2016




Recently having gone through a similar situation (unfortunately), I decided that the BEST thing to do for my child and I was to cut off all communication with the father. If he cannot treat me with respect, help pay with bills, or do anything for our child. Then why would I waste my time, energy and breath on arguing with him? I decided I wont, I will just continue being a mom for my child and the father can decide to be there for her or not. It is up to him, not up to you. You've clearly made your choice and if he cant be an effective co-parent then, its time to about face and continue on with your life.

Do not let men bring you down and make you feel any certain way. You are doing what is best for your child. Which means, you have to take care of yourself! Your mental, emotional stability will reflect on your child. Therefore, if he is causing harm to you with his words, he is causing harm to your child too. It goes both ways.


View replies by

[deleted account]

I feel you I am currently 9 weeks. My BD broke up with me then started dating this girl. When I told him I was pregnant he was furious and he wanted to abort the baby. I told him no and I told alot of harsh words and leave us alone if he is not going to man up. Few days later he told me he wants to support the baby even though we are not together. I told him I do not want to give my child a broken family, if he wants to be with his current gf he may leave but if he choose me and the baby then I need someone who is reliable. I told him to just be straight up with me he said he needs time to fix things with his family. After a few days of planning and arguements I had enough I told him that his reason is pure bullshit I told him I do not want to fix anything and thats theres no point to get back together just for the baby if he diesnt love me. I asked him if he does love me and the baby. He then messaged me he loves the baby and he wants to take away the baby from me and my family. I told him to fuck off I also messaged his mom that they do not have any rights for the child after every pain and humiliation that his son caused me and my family. He was loved and trusted by my parents but he was a cheater and verbally abusive. So when he broke up withnme I told my parents everything and now he blames me why he cant come back to me. I told him its all bs i told him to fuck off and they will never know or meet the baby. I block him on fb and we havent spoken for a week then he message me again with the same song and dance. This time he said to give him time because the problem I caused to his family(in d course of our relationship he told his family every arguements we have) was not easy to fix and the relationship he entered was not easy to get out that he is looking for the best time for him and his gf to talk. I messaged him that I do not want him back and he will never be welcomed again. Was it a good move? I want my baby to have a complete family but it scarese he would take away my baby from me. Stop entertaining him.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms