How to deal with the emotions of shared custody.

Michelle - posted on 06/19/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )




I have shared custody of my darling 3 & 8 yr old children. I love them with all my heart. I have been seperated from their dad for 2.5 years and the children have to go between the two homes. I know in his own way their dad loves them, however I feel so sad and guilty that my kids have
to go between two homes and my little one wants to stay with me....


[deleted account]

My brother and I had this conversation:

"Joe, I can't talk about this to anyone else, but I actually look forward to when the kids go with their dad. I can do the me things and not worry about who is watching the kids. I feel so guilty about this, cause it's not like I don't want them, I do, but it is a lot by myself."

"Jane, I do understand, when my kids are with their mother I can eat when I want, the bathroom is clean and I don't have to be running after the kids all the time. I do want them and I feel guilty about feeling a little relief when they are at their mom's."

Sometimes knowing that others are out there and feel the same takes a load off. I didn't like that the kids had to go back and forth between the 2 homes, but this was our life and they adapted to it and eventually 3 out of 4 have chosen where they want to be. Once they are older than yours are right now, the choice should be up to them, not based on what they can get away with, but rather on reasonable things.

My oldest was a lifeguard at the pool and it made more sense to stay in town with her dad so she could walk to work rather than me drive her in 11 miles for 2 hours, pick her up and then drive her back in in the evening for another couple hours. It was 44 miles a day to get her to a job that was paying $8.50 per hour.

My 14 yr old is not looking to work in town but rather for a neighbor on the farm. She does not appreciate her little step-sisters and did not want to be expected to babysit at the drop of a hat so chose to live with me.

At 2.5 your youngest needs to be encouraged that daddy loves him/her and wants to see them as well. Be strong and don't put your kids in a choosing situation. Do right by them.


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/19/2012




You need to 1) sit down with little one and explain that he needs to go with Daddy sometimes, and that he'll -Little one- always come back. Then 2) enjoy some "me" time. Whether single, divorced, married, or separated, the "me" time is important!

Another perspective: If you are upset when the kids go with their dad, they are going to be upset to be going. They will mirror your emotions because you are the mainstream parent right now. You need to let them know that you're not sad they're going to their dad's. And don't let them see it. Nothing is harder on a 3 yr old than seeing momma cry, or be sad. Of course he doesn't want to go away if momma's sad. So, even though it's's tough whether they're going with their dad (for you), or to the first day of school! Every separation is murder for us moms, and the earlier we can learn not to show that to our little ones, the better off they are in the long run.

Michelle - posted on 06/19/2012




I have been doing shared care for 7 years now. I find that the time that they are with Dad gives me an opportunity to catch up with my friends and do things for me.

I have since remarried and had another child so I don't get any "me" time anymore though. The way I got through it was to tell myself at least Dad WANTS to be a part of his children's lives. There are so many out there that don't care at all.

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