How to deal with unhelpful advice?

Cynthia - posted on 07/16/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )




I have an 8 month old who doesn't sleep through the night. I've tried everyone's suggestions but they make me feel like a bad parent. When people tell me I have no clue what I'm doing they're right. I obviously don't because this is my only child. Anyone have any tips on how to deal with unhelpful advice from people who can't be avoided?


View replies by

Rebekah - posted on 07/18/2015




For what its worth, keep in mind that perspective plays a role here too. Interestingly, my pediatrician told me that a baby sleeping for a 5 hour stretch at night was considered "sleeping through the night," which was a surprise to me. Sounded much too short! I say this, just because if you hear people talking about "sleeping through the night" it may not necessarily be a nice long stretch of sleep that people would enjoy before baby came along. If they are bragging, don't take it to heart. Some people feel compelled to do that to bolster their own self-worth. Every kid is different... just because a child doesn't sleep through the night at the same age another one does, doesn't automatically mean there is something the parents are doing wrong. As long as the baby is healthy, growing, and getting what she needs, then all is well. Most of the time, when people offer advice, their intentions are to help. Take what is useful and leave the rest.

All that said---and not knowing what your schedule is like with your baby---I also agree with the suggestion of having the baby on some kind of schedule that matches up with day/night cycles, and monitoring naps to help baby achieve that nighttime sleep.

Hang in there... I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. If these are people that are around you all the time, try to respectfully let them know how you are feeling and what you need/don't need so they can be more sensitive to that. Maybe they think they are being helpful and supportive.

Sarah - posted on 07/18/2015




There is a difference between not sleeping through the night and not having a schedule. Most babies can sleep through, at 6 months. When I say sleep through I mean like 11-6. Just becasue they can, does not mean they do or that they have too. I have four and my second would sleep through from 10-6 from about 5 months. However, my fourth was up every night until 14 months.
Try backing up her bedtime by an hour every other night. Create a bedtime routine that you can follow every night to help her learn that sleep time is approaching. Bath, bottle or nurse, books and snuggles and off to bed. If you could back up her bedtime to 10 or 11, she may still wake during the night but you may feel better yourself. Like Jodi asked, does she sleep a lot during the day? Making changes will happen slowly but you can do it.
Now, I apologize for giving advice if you didn't want it...but since I already typed it i am going to leave it. None of us were magically all knowing masters of parenting so give yourself a break. Especially if you recently lost your mom! Hang in there and try to enjoy your daughter. Ignore unwanted tips (even mine). Good Luck!

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2015




Definitely not a failure as a parent - all babies are different and many don't sleep through the night.

However, going to BED at 5am isn't healthy for your child. It sounds like she isn't getting a regular sleep pattern established, rather than being an issue of not sleeping through the night.

Just out of interest, if your daughter isn't going to bed until 5am, is she sleeping a lot during the day? Have you tried cutting the number of hours she sleep during the day and that way she'll be sleepy earlier in the night? I apologise if that is unsolicited advice......I'm just trying to help.

Cynthia - posted on 07/17/2015




My daughter won't go to be til around 5 am. I've used their advice. I've googled how to turn it around but. Still no bedtime til 5 am. When my mother was alive my daughter was in bed by midnight. So other family members rub that in saying that's cus she knew what she was doing..

Dove - posted on 07/17/2015




I have two that slept 12 hour nights at 6 months... for a month. Then they were up 1-2 times/ night until they were 14 months. I have a third who only slept through the night (10-11 hours) a few random times until he was 2. I have a friend who's mom had three kids... all 5 years apart... and none of the kids slept through the night til they were 5. Yep, poor woman didn't sleep for 15 YEARS!!! lol

Some babies sleep through the night early... many more do not. Just care for your baby when he/she wakes and get all of you as much sleep as you can. I would not 'worry' at all about 'trying' to get baby to sleep through the night until at LEAST 18 months. Relax and ignore anyone that tells you otherwise.

Michelle - posted on 07/17/2015




Most children don't sleep through the night until well after 12 months.
My advice is to stop listening to everyone else and do what you feel is best for your child. YOU are the parent so YOU do what works for you both.
If they insist on giving advice just thanks and do what you want anyway. Just because the advice is given doesn't mean you have to follow it. Trust your own instincts, no one knows a child better than their own Mother.

Cynthia - posted on 07/16/2015




I just feel like a loser because everyone around me brags about how their kids slept through the night started walking blah blah blah. I don't even ask for the advice it's just kinda poured down my throat. Unfortunately it most of the time fails. I have to be around these people regularly. Since my mother past away in May I have no real help just critics.

MaryAnn - posted on 07/16/2015




Every parent giving you advice has likely failed their child in some other way.
No parent is perfect. But *good* parents do what they think is best.
in regards to what to tell them? You'll ask for advice when you need it. Their last advice they're still banging on about wasn't a good fit for you and your child. No one knows what they are doing until they see the end result. You'll know what youre doing when you find something that works. Right now, what you really need is love and support. You dont want to talk about it right now. Life is about trial and error. This is *my* chance to shine. Please dont ruin my opportunity to figure this out on my own. If you think im so incompetent, you must really feel like you've hurt your first born.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms