How To Let Go Of A Child You Raised..That Is Not Yours

DANIELLE - posted on 11/01/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )




Here is the short version...I began dating a long-time friend of mine a little over a year ago.
He had previously been married. About a year into their marriage she asked for a divorce, said she was too young and felt like she was settling. She moved out and about two months later came to him and said she was pregnant with his child. At first he argued that it couldn't be his, as they had been split for some time. She was adamant that it was his. So he stepped up and decided to give things a shot. Maybe he was wrong and this was the chance to keep his marriage he didn't want to lose in the first place. He was there through pregnancy, labor(his name was on the birth cert.), and raising this little boy for the first 6 months. He fell absolutely in love with what he hoped to be his first born son. When she went back to work he decided to have a paternity test done to settle some uneasy feelings he had lived with for the past year. Test results came back and he was not a match to the child. Devastated and not sure of what to do, he decided to go through with the divorce that had been postponed figuring that the mother would choose to be with the father of the child and go on having a normal life together. In the state we live, if a child is born to married people, even if you are not the biological father you still have full rights to the child if you choose. He decided to give them up. It was not an easy decision as him and his family had fallen completely in love with this little boy. The true father of the child was reviled a few months later and for whatever reason gave up his rights to the child as well. As soon as my boy friend heard this, his heart went out to the little boy. He decided that no child deserved to be abandoned, he stepped right back into the roll of being a father to the boy. And has dedicated the last 3 years of his life to raising this child. The ex-wife seemed to be fine co-parenting and denied any request he had to try and work things out between them to be a family.
He and I began dating a little over a year ago. When she found out, she suddenly wanted to work things out with him. He said it was too late. She didn't take it well...asking him to choose between his "family" or his new girl friend. He decided not to go back to her. She then began used the little boy as a pawn for about 8 months. Asking for last minute favors and if he could babysit when she found it convenient. He loves this child so he always was there. With us being friends for so long and me knowing about the situation, I had no issue at all. In fact I encouraged him to maintain contact and see the boy whenever he possibly could. At one point I asked if he thought we could all meet so that she felt comfortable with me. He said that there was no getting through to her. I agreed to keep my distance while he had possession of the child. This went on for sometime and he continued to feel torn. Any time he asked if he could have the boy she refused. Until she needed help. Then he was supposed to drop everything to be there. He battled internally why he couldn't just move on and let the boy go. That some day she would meet someone and they would be a family. But he could not and can not to this day just turn his back on what he feels like is his son.
This summer, he had the boy for 2 days and decided to go to the lake. He asked if I would join, I was hesitant but chose to go along. As soon as I met the little boy it was so clear why he felt such strong feelings for him. He has to be the sweetest, smartest, most well-behaved, and polite kid that I have ever met. And everything he says, does, wears, eats, is all because he wants to be just like my boy friend. Letting your little mini-me go is probably next to impossible.
The ex-wife found out that I was at the lake that day with them and has completely ripped the child from my boy friends life since. I am watching a grown man mourn the loss of a child. He is grieving and angry and does not know how to get through this. I want to be there to support him but it has taken a toll on our relationship because he is pushing everything close to him away. He is a such a family man but lately he doesn't even want to go be with his mom, dad or brothers. Saying that he feels like just crawling under a rug and hiding from any and everything... Out of fear of hurting them due to the pain he is feeling.
I know this is a unique situation but if anyone has any feedback, we would greatly appreciate it.

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