How would you feel?

Annabutton - posted on 06/19/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )




Long story short, my brother and I have a strained relationship. It's almost like we aren't brother and sister anymore. He treats me like an acquaintance. Anyways, normally to plan out things like birthday's and father's day I usually had to go through his wife but after having my child I have been unable to tolerate her rude insensitive behavior anymore. For father's day planning I emailed my brother instead. We emailed and decided on brunch. I suggested I would make an egg sausage bake since it is something I know my dad likes. My brother's response was he wanted to keep it simple like fruit, coffee cake, and juice. So i said okay, I figured fine, simple is good. I volunteered to bring the coffee cake and juice and he said he'd bring the fruit.
So today, father's day, we brought two different kinds of store bought coffee cake and juice. Then my brother and his wife show up with fresh fruit and homemade coffee cake. My brother noticed the coffee cake and said, "Oh, I thought you were bringing the egg thing?" Luckily my husband was on top of it and said, "We wanted to but didn't because you said you didn't want us to because you wanted to keep it simple." and my brother just shrugged it off.

Anyways, I felt like it was a slap in the face because I would have liked to have made the sausage bake for my dad. I feel pretty hurt. We seemed to have it all planned out. The emails were very to the point and clear as to what we were both bringing. I don't understand what happened. I just feel like it was extremely rude and made me look like I was not willing to make anything for my dad. So with all that, how would you feel? Am I being too petty about this? Or would you have felt slighted also?


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Victoria - posted on 06/20/2011




If anything, I would feel sorry for my brother and do anything to make his life easier. If his wife is actually like that about having the only grandchild, while full on knowing that he had a sister who could also have children, then he obviously has a lot on his plate with dealing with her everyday nerosis. Men are like that anyway - not too big on the details. I agree with Elfrieda - next time just tell him what you are bringing. That sucks that that had to happen, and I too would be annoyed, but what are you doing do is not worth losing a sibling over.

Annabutton - posted on 06/20/2011




Thank you both for your replies. I think it's sad how fast my relationship with my brother is going down the drain. I totally agree with no more shared get-togethers. It's amazing how me having a baby would change things for the worse. Unfortunately I think my brother's wife enjoyed having the only grandchildren and now she has to share the center stage with me and the transition hasn't gone well. Especially since my husband and I are planning on maybe having another one and we could possibly have a boy which i think would literally piss her off even more because she is so proud of having the only grandson. I never knew it was going to be this way and I think it's sad how things have ended up. :( it's even sadder because they are my only family (My dad and my brother and that's it.) It feels very lonely and sad, wish i had more family. Sorry for the babbling I have no one else to talk to.


I wish I could believe it was just miscommunication or just plain forgetfulness but our emails were very clear. If somehow it was due to both of those then it shows he really didn't care and it wasn't important enough for him to remember. I'm pretty done with him and his wife.

Elfrieda - posted on 06/19/2011




I can tell you how I'd feel because I was in a very similar situation last month! :) We were hosting a party for my mother-in-law's birthday. My sister-in-law sent out an email saying that they had planned to do yardwork that day because of a windstorm that just came through and they had a bbq planned for the day after. Then in the next paragraph she said that they'd bring some steak for the bbq and a veggie tray.
Well, day of the party they never showed up. When I talked to her later, and said that it was too bad they couldn't make it, she didn't even apologize, just said that it rained in the morning so they did the yardwork in the afternoon (during our party). I was a bit miffed, but tried to shrug it off. I know her husband has had a few problems communicating with her, but it's just her style. She doesn't want to be rude, so she doesn't say what she means.

I was annoyed and a little hurt and disappointed. I've gotten over it, but I think you're perfectly right to be upset. Just don't bring it up again until a week or two has passed so that the first sting has disappeared.

Honestly, it sounds more like sloppy thinking by your brother than anything else. I think maybe he said the words, "coffee cake, fruit, and juice" and then didn't bother really reading the emails, and told his wife that was what they were bringing, and vaguely remembered you saying something about a sausage bake, so expected you to bring that.

I think it might be one of those things where you just take a lesson from it, even though it's not your fault, and do things a little differently next time. (Like say, "I'd like to bring a sausage bake. What are you bringing?", not try to plan it together.) I know I'll be picking up the phone and speaking directly to my sister-in-law next time instead of emailing. That way I can hear if she means what she's saying.

I'll bet your dad didn't think that you weren't willing to make a sausage bake for him. He knows you better than that.

Belinda - posted on 06/19/2011




I would have been frustrated. Whether the mis-communication was between you and your brother, or between your bro and his wife makes little difference. They obviously didn't make an effort to work with you. Next year, plan your own celebration with Dad, and let bro come to you if he wants to make it a joint affair.

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