Hurt and need some help. Please read...

Tyonna - posted on 12/17/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )




I have recently stopped talking with my mother and feel extremely hurt by some of the things she has done. I want to list a few things she has done and get some feedback on what I should or should not do about it.

1.) She has always played favorites between all five of her kids.
2.) When I had my daughter is May this year, she "did not have time or money to come see me have my child". The week after I had my daughter, she dropped $1500 down on my step-dads car and the following month took a week off work to see my sister have her baby.
3.) Whenever I was to call my mother to talk with her about anything, she was always "too busy" to talk and ended up hanging up on me.
4.) She will fork out tons of money on my sister whenever she needs it and doesn't expect her to pay it back, but when I needed money to find a place to live when I got evicted, she couldn't help me. Whatever money she HAS sent me in the past, she had expected my to pay her back.
5.) She resents me because I remind her of my father and she hated him (hence the reason my mother and father split up).
6.) She has avoided coming to see my son and daughter, but made special trips to my sister's (and even helped her move back to her house) to see her son. She has only seen my son twice (he is 4) and has yet to see my daughter (7 months).

I want to call her and talk with her, but I feel I did nothing wrong by confronting her about how I feel right now. She has hurt me in more ways than one (over the past 12 years at LEAST), but I still feel like I did something wrong. Please help me about what I should or should not do... I'm at a loss right now.


Lisa - posted on 12/17/2010




I think you've done what you can do. Anything more and you're going to just continue to hurt yourself or your children. If you feel you need to do one "last ditch effort" write your feelings out in a letter and mail it to her. Tell her that you'd like to have a healthy relationship with her but if she can't or isn't willing to do that, then you need to let go. Really it sounds like she has not gotten over your father and is projecting those feelings onto you. Which is not fair becase you are not your father and should not be blamed for their failed relationship...that's between them.

Best of luck!

[deleted account]

Unfortunately you can't change or control what she does. All you can control is your reaction to it. I have a similar (though not nearly as severe) issue w/ my dad 'playing favorites' w/ my stepsisters and stepniece. He IS involved somewhat in our lives and my children adore him. If not for those 2 facts.... I probably would've ended or seriously limited contact a long time ago.

YOU have done nothing wrong to make her like this and if it causes you (and your children) more pain than pleasure to have her in your life.... well, it's your decision to decide if that pain is worth it or not. I'm sorry!


View replies by

Michelle - posted on 12/27/2010




I suggest you seek out counseling to help you deal with your hurt, and to help you move on you do not need that kind of stress in yours, or your childrens life.

Ivy - posted on 12/18/2010




I feel for you. I know how hard it is when family play emotional mind games and treat you differently to everyone else. Is your mother really that important to keep in your life or your children's life?

For me personal, this relationship is too much of a drain on your mental and emotional health. If it were me, I would cut her out of my life. My dad was a horrible father and my mom stuck by him no matter what he did. I said screw this and moved to England. I've found a husband I am very happy with and i have a healthy daughter. My dad finally realized how he was behaving and has saught professional help. Now I can stand to be around him a little more and I've laid down the rules. Unfortunately, for my parents, it is a little too late as I've moved away.

My best advice is write your mom a letter. Tell her how you feel. Wording is important as you want her to hear the message instead of blaming you. Use sentences like I believe and i feel. When you are talking about her behavior example when you don't come visit my children, I feel upset/angry/confused as to why you don't want to watch your grandchildren grow up. I would put in my letter that I wouldn't be seeking contact with her again until she can show love, respect and compassion.

Jenny - posted on 12/18/2010




i feel like i'm reading myself my mum has seen my son twice he is ten and my daughter once and she is three and i always felt like i had done something wrong u have to look at it like ur the better peron and ur kids are better off wothout seeing or being treated any different her loss

Tyonna - posted on 12/18/2010




Thank you everyone for the words of advice. Some of you have mentioned talking to her in person, unfortunately I cannot do this. She lives in Wyoming and I am in Missouri. So it would be kind of difficult. Lol. I don't see how any mother can do what she is doing. I love BOTH my kids EQUALLY and always will... I hope that I am doing the right thing...

A personal note for Kayle:
When it comes to her money, I have never ASKED her for money. She always sent it on her own. So I feel that if she voluntarily sent, I should not have to pay it back. Whenever I have asked for it, I've paid her back, but not when she WILLINGLY sent it. That was her choice...

Kayle - posted on 12/17/2010




Well any money we borrow from my mom/step dad we are asked to pay back (when we can afford it) or we work it off. $10 equals mowing the lawn, cleaning out gutters, rakeing leaves or shoveling snow in the winter.

It is not your moms responsibility to fork over money to you whenever you need it. Especially when you don't think you should have to pay it back. It's her money.

Christy - posted on 12/17/2010




This is HER PROBLEM, not yours. All you can do is talk to her about it, IN PERSON (not over the phone if you can help it) and let it ALL out. Tell her what you have posted here-if you have to write it all down, do it so you have notes to refer to and to ensure you have covered everything you are feeling. At that point, the ball's in her court. I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I hope it improves. If it doesn't, know at least you tried and that she is missing out on your beautiful children's lives. Then you can move on, and BTW nothing's wrong with feeling hurt by it all!!!!!!!!!!

Toccara - posted on 12/17/2010




My sister and I have different mothers, and her mom HATED our dad. She was always angry with my sister, hitting her, callin her names, just mistreatment all around. She reminder her of our dad and she hated it. Something, I hate to say can't be fixed my casual conversations or sit downs at all. Sometimes just keeping your mom in mind...i.e. send cards and updated pics in the mail. Call every now and then and just hey mom just checkin on you. If you run into a problem and need help...either make sure you can pay her back or find another avenue. (I don't mean that as bad as it sounds). When and if the oppurtunity arises just inform her that you love her, but you feel that you are blamed for being your fathers daughter. Explain to her that yourself and your child has nothing to do with the relationship her and your dad had in the past, and you would like her find a way to deal with those issues and be apart of your family. Give it up to God to help reveal to your mom that she does indeed need to be apart of you life. Pray for her, and continue on loving your baby. Put all that love you felt u didn't recieve to your little one. Don't carry the hurt around ur lil one that your mom carried around you. I HOPE something helped, if not I'm sorry. But I hope YOU and YOUR baby enjoy every moment together. God Bless.

Laura - posted on 12/17/2010




As mentioned already, you cannot control your mother's behavior or actions, only YOUR response to them. She has abused you in the past--YES, playing favorites is considered a form of emotional abuse--so why would you want to continue contact with this person? The best piece of advice I can give you right now is to consider professional help. A trained councelor will be able to help you sort out your feelings about this woman and then teach you how to cope with those feelings without losing your self-respect. You and your kids deserve someone who will not just love you but actually show you the respect that goes with it! Like Tracy said, this woman is "toxic" and you don't need her in your life at this time. She has caused you enough pain, don't beat yourself up over this woman. Hope this helps and best wishes to you!

Hayley - posted on 12/17/2010




o hunny!! I hear you - really I do!! My mum always did that with my sis and I - she made out to people that I was really dumb - but I got straight A's and I am sure we could exchange war stories. I actually ended up in foster care when I was 13 - then she went and had another baby when I was 19 - he is now 16 and gets away with murder. I found esp after having my daughter that it hit me hard the abscence of my mother - but you have to remember this. You cant control what she does - eventually, you are going to have to make a life for yourself regardless. Enjoy YOUR chidren and although the abscence of your mum will always bite - esp when you see other woman being nasty to their mums - all you can do is be the best mum you can be to your kids.
Hang in there hunny. I cant say the hurt will go away - but over time it will get easier.

User - posted on 12/17/2010




I know what you mean. I have a mom but my mom was never there for me either. When I need her the most she was never there so I started looking up to my aunt as a mother figure. My aunt is always there for me and my kids.

I would say that your mom will realize I hope on how much she is hurting you and her grandchild. That she needs to treat everyone the same no favorites.

I would go to see her and set her down and tell her how you feel and how she hurt you.

Tracy - posted on 12/17/2010




Why are you killing yourself trying to gain acceptance from someone so obviously isn't interested? Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make her a mother to you. And she's absolutely punishing you for being the child of your father's. She sounds toxic to me. If she weren't blood to you, would you bother with her? DNA doesn't make a family. Good luck

Tyonna - posted on 12/17/2010




Jennifer: Thank you for the advice. I have always had a problem of "giving in" and doing something I felt bad about (my mother being one of them). She pretty much is all I have since my dad committed suicide, but it is hurtful the things she does. I don't blame my sister because I know it's not her fault. I just wish my mother would realize she has 5 kids...

Jennifer - posted on 12/17/2010




Some people are that way, and it really stinks. I think you have done the best thing for now, and that is getting yourself away from the situation. Over time, you will be able to calm down a little, then you will be able to talk to her about it. Just don't get mad at your sister for it, because she could also be hurting. My great grandma played favorites, and I was the favorite. I think I resented her more for it than my brother who wasn't the favorite did. I didn't understand it, and I always felt incredibly guilty when I would get presents and he wouldn't. When you do decide it's time to talk to her, make sure she doesn't play favorites among your kids. Tell her if she does, then she can't see them, because that is something those kids don't need to go through. I hope you the best!

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