hurt stepmom

Deborah - posted on 09/22/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Am I overreacting? I raised my stepdaughter since she was six.She is getting married and has bought dresses for the grooms mother and her biological mom.while happy to buy my own dress the other moms are also being treated to hair and makeup, but not me, I am feeling very hurt.

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Sha - posted on 05/26/2015

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I would feel the same too, I would feel used, unloved, not worthy, not important...all that a mother would feel when they have opened their heart & love to nurture & care for their better halfs child/children. If your step daughter really loved you the way you do, she would have included you in all the above it's called 'love' I for one, would never do that to my stepmother if she was in my life from 6 yrs, I would be accountable for my actions & make sure my stepmother is treated just as equal as the others.

Chet - posted on 09/23/2014

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Deborah, your step daughter has had next to nothing from her mother. Their relationship is clearly not a strong one. It's very likely, if the bride were to treat you as any form of equal to mother-of-the-bride the relationship with her mother would take another significant hit.

This isn't necessarily about kicking you to the curb. It may be about trying to reach out to a mother who hasn't been there in the past, and giving her the chance to be a mom now. Even though you have filled the role of mother, and did an excellent job at it, that doesn't mean a child won't stop wanting some kind of relationship with the mother who abandoned her.

Or this could be about just wanting to have a wedding day where she doesn't need to feel like a child who was abandoned. Treating her mom like a traditional mother-of-the-bride may be about having a fantasy day where she chooses not to think about that part of her childhood.

Oddly, this could be a complement to you. Very often, the parent a child trusts the most is the parent who gets treated the worst. When a child feels secure, and loved unconditionally, they don't treat that relationship as precious or fragile. They take it for granted because they have no reason to ever doubt it. They believe that person will always be there no matter what, and they worry about hanging on to the people they're afraid will leave them.

Or this may be about tradition. It's possible that a lot of people just told the bride she _has_ to do it this way. She may feel that she has no choice.

Again, if this is the only thing that has caused you to doubt the quality of your relationship with your step daughter, let it go. You're reading way too much into it. You didn't raise this child to earn a dress at her wedding.

Deborah - posted on 09/23/2014

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Thank you Evelyn, To try to clarify my relationship with my stepdaughter. Her mom abandoned her and her three siblings when she was six. I was not married to their father yet but opened my home to all. I had known them and they had been visiting their dad at my home for the past year. I had two children of my own. They had been living in filth, came eat up with head lice. We later discovered their mom was an addict. For most of their childhood she was never present. I never called them my step children as I loved them as my own. I battled breast cancer and worked full time as we needed the income. There is nothing I would not do for any of them. This child I always seemed to give more to, as an adult she has gone through and overcome many hardships. I have been by her financially and emotionally all the way, babysat her children so she could work as a single mom. This was not just overnight but weeks at a time as she had to travel. Did all of the children's birthday parties as her money was tight. I would do those things for any of our children as their mom and i have done them with great love and joy. Now I am the only mom who has helped, with several things yet I am excluded. I want her day to be amazing as she deserves the happiness she has found. it's just that I have loved her as my own , always, been by her, shared her when her mom began to come back into her life and now feel kicked to the curb.

Chet - posted on 09/22/2014

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Wedding traditions often don't fit very well with modern families. Try not to take this personally. Don't read a lot into every choice the bride makes.

If this is the only thing that has caused you to doubt the quality of your relationship with your step daughter, just let it go. The point of a wedding is for two people to get married - not to demonstrate which friends and family are the most special.

Many of choices about who gets what role, and what gets paid for by who are based on tradition, obligation, what will keep the peace, what kind of budget you have, etc. A lot of biological mothers couldn't cope with sharing the mother-of-the-bride role with the step mom in any capacity, no matter how wonderful and involved the step mom was. The bride may have felt that she had to keep the peace by doing things this way. Or the choice may have been largely financial.

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