Husband in 4 month Rehab.....need advice...PLEASE.

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )




My husband is in rehab, he started a 3 to 4 month program through the VA which I am totally thrilled and proud about. This was his choice to go to the rehab not the doctors. After a long road that started in March I am starting to feel a little more positive. The VA doctors finally got his medications corrected after being in the psych ward for a little over a month. My husband is bipolar.

With the rehab program he gets a lot more freedom...he isn't allowed to leave the campus....over a period of time he will be granted like a weekend pass. Yesterday was visitors day, my daughter and I went up to visit him...he wanted to show me the facility. We walked around the campus...he fed her lunch...etc. To my surprise it was not what you see in looked like he lived in a town house.

I am trying to be a supportive wife...I love my husband but parts of me are mad at him for what he has done and the decisions he has made. Over the course of two months there was days I loved him...mad at him...wanted to help him...wanted to leave him...or wanted to make it work. I had a ton of mixed emotions a long the way. I was able to turn to my mom for ..a shoulder to cry on etc ...My husband and I have been living with my parents since we moved back to pittsburgh.

But I feel that I turned to my mom to much. I feel as if she is too involved in some ways. I love my mom but she can hold a grudge and has the tendency to be to controlling over everything. She is a great person, the best mom anyone could ever ask for...and I know she is only looking out for the people she loves. But I am finding myself to not want to talk to her about things anymore, because I am feeling she only wants to hear the negative facts about my husband rather than the positive ones.

Yesterday, when we came home from visiting him...she didn't ask me is he ok? What is his program he is doing like? How was sophia around him? nothing. I sent her a photo of the walk we were on because there is a spot that looks like the town from the walking dead...and I wanted to show her how similar it looks. She never responded. I know she is highly disappointed in my husband...and I know she does not want me with him. I honestly think that the best mothers day present I could give her this year is to tell her that I am divorcing him. I know she would love to hear that.

Last Wednesday, Adrian called me and said that they are discharging him for one day so he can come back to the house get his clothes together and such...and he said he would like to see everyone before he leaves say goodbye, because at the time he was told that he was going to a VA center that is about 1.5 hours from where we live. And I wasn't how often we would be up to visit. I asked my mom if he could come back to the house..get his items..and possibly stay the night because that friday morning he was leaving on a shuttle. She said he can come to the house gather his stuff...he has to leave before I get home from work and he is not allowed to stay the night. She didn't even want him around our daughter. Let me remind of right now we don't have an income...and Adrian does not have any other family in Pittsburgh. Friends of my family said they would let him stay the night, but don't want to get involved...and wouldn't want my mom to find out. I felt really stuck...because I would have to somehow come up with the money for a hotel room for the night. I know it isn't my moms problem and this is her house...her rules. But thankfully the doctors didn't release him...and I was able to bring his luggage up to him before he left.

I honestly think my mom has trust issues especially when it comes to men...and I think even me...anyone really. I honestly don't think she fully trusts her husband now. A couple weeks ago..the baby was in bed..and I was in my room looking up information on my ipad. She comes in and says I have a question for you and I need you to be honest with me. And I said ok...She asked "Is adrian really at the VA or is he somewhere else?" and I replied "What do you mean?" she said "because I have noticed a few extra wash clothes in the shower and his shower gel that he used to use the cap was up." and I just looked at her...and I think I honestly giggled because I couldn't believe what she was asking me. I then replied "Adrian is at the VA on the 3rd is the number if you don't believe can call it...then I said you know mom you do have a son that visited a day ago...and you have a husband that could have used the shower gel." She looked at me with a dead stare to make sure I wasn't lying to her. I mean I feel insulted for her even questioning me where he was. I told her mom where would I be hiding him....

Another time she came home from work and said to me...I have been doing some reading on the internet on my lunch break and did you know that people that are bipolar if theyre married 50% of them end in divorce. ...

One day I was at store that had a jewelry counter that held jewelry from watches to engagment rings...and I love jewelry so I looked at everything. As she comes over to me I happened to be at the engagment ring section..she said "next time it will be bigger." (something like that)

I love my mom but I feel stuck. I feel like I am married to my mom and my husband. I feel like in the end I am going to have to chose between him and her. Which isn't fair to me.

My step-dad tells me...Sarah do what you want...your mom will get over it. He can't even stand how controlling she is. I have stopped talking about my situation with my husband..if my mom asks me questions I will answer but I don't go into detail. If I feel like I need to cry I don't want to go to her..I will do it in the shower..or in bed. I don't want her to get to involved.

Does anyone have any advice? Please help. What are your thoughts?

My husband told me yesterday that he wants to be a positive influence on our daughter and he wants to do better for her and us. He has a lot of proving to do to me...because sophia and I deserve the best. I am not going to put my daughter or myself into any negative situations.

ps: I am sorry for the long post.


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Sarah - posted on 05/04/2015




I can't agree with you more. I ask her before I assume anything because this is her house..and she has helped me out a ton. I have some money to pay bills and such and she has bought my daughter some diapers and formula. I didn't ask her to...she did it out of the kindness of her heart. My hair dresser was looking for someone to watch her son twice a week. I stupidly hesitated on telling her that I could do it. And I told my mom that I wanted to inquire about make some extra cash. She really wasn't to supportive of the idea...she said can you handle two kids...meaning my daughter and this little boy. I felt really discouraged by her. With everything that was going on I really could have used her support. I figured she would say "yeah why not..." I am a baker...I have been advertising to do orders but unfortunately no one has ordered anything yet. I looked into getting a night my mom would be home with sophia at night. I mean she would be fed..bathed and put into bed before I left. But it was a no go..because she didn't want to watch Sophia for me when I was contemplating doing that babysitting job twice a week and I would be home be 10pm. I know it isn't her job to watch my daughter or her problem. I am trying. At some point my husband will be able to work while he is in rehab so we will have some income at that point. But I am really stressed financially and emotionally. I'm still wearing maternity clothes from last summer because I can't buy anything like that....I don't go anywhere unless I have to because I don't want to waste the gas. I take care of my daugher during the day...clean the house etc. I know there are a lot of people out there that have it much worse than me, and I am grateful for what I do have. I am just stressed that is all.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/04/2015




How is this being paid for?

Aside from that, you have not mentioned your age. Also, if your mother is that involved, and you don't want her to be, it is time to get a job and move out. Start supporting your little family. In my opinion, if you are living under her roof, and she is supporting you and your baby (her grandchild) she has every right not to want your husband there. It sounds like he has done a lot and needs to prove himself worthy to your family again. Yes, your mother might be over protective. But it is her house. You can move out. But yes, your husband has a lot to work on. Not just proving to you and your daughter (or your mother or anyone else) that he can stay clean and straighten up his life, but he has to prove it to himself.

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