husband wants lots of kids fast, im not sure

Emily - posted on 09/11/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

53

4

4

my husband and i are having our first child together. he and i both have childern from pervious relationship that passed away at birth and he really wants lots of kids. we are fairly young but well on own and grown. we are starting a family so please leave our age out of it. he is 24 and has parents that are much older when they had him and he feels the age cuased problems(honetly in my opinion it wasnt the age lol) but any who, we didnt plan this pregancy but he wants to plan the nxt one asap after this baby is born. ive talked him up to a yr after baby is born. personaly im not against the 2nd of our childern being close to our first its just i came from a family with siblings spaced 2yrs apart (my whole family is like that on both sides) and to me it just seems resonable and normal. we are planned and set and perpared both with money and suport housing and all that ( we have a "family plan" with our marriage counsler) and really can do it close. my question is in some other mothers expirence, whts the best age to space your kids not only on your body and mind but on the childerns bodys and minds. now i know everyone is different im just looking for some general advice and personally expirence to kinda get a general idea from someone other then my mother, his mother , him and our therapist...thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tracy - posted on 09/12/2010

737

13

78

@ Kate, glad to see that voicing my opinion is narrow-minded as opposed to another view point, which is what the lady was asking for: various views. From my observation, it's not the age range that makes siblings close. Mine are 5 years apart and very close. I won't judge your views and family, don't judge mine.

Not to mention the fact that doctors don't recommend having babies in rapid succession. Pregnancy is physically taxing on a woman's body, having one after another is not healthy. It is medically sound to let your body recover for 2 years in between.

22 Comments

View replies by

Aliska - posted on 09/13/2010

170

6

21

This is a decision that can't be made until the first baby is born as how long you wait to have a second baby will depend on:

How easy or difficult your first pregnancy was,

How easy or difficult the first birth is and how quickly you recover,

How easy your first child is to look after.

Obviously you would be more likely to have them close if there's been no problems with the first and space them out if you need more time to recover or if baby number one is more difficult to care for, has additional health needs etc.

This was the plan my husband and I had. We wanted them close and planned to do so assuming everything was uncomplicated the first time round. It was, so our son was born 14 mths after our daughter. Although it was hard work I was glad they were close in age as there's benefits as well, the most important being that the first child is still having daytime naps during your second pregnancy and the second baby's first year. I found this invaluable to catch up on sleep myself when I needed it or when the babies were sleeping through the night to get lots of jobs done 'child-free'.

Our third child was born 2.5 years after the second and although it was easier in some ways as the older two could do some things for themselves I really missed the nap times as the oldest was well over day time naps during my third pregnancy and my second was starting to give them up.

You need to get through the entire pregnancy, birth and first few months with the first baby before this decision can be made. Keep an open mind, there are pros and cons whatever age gap you have between kids. Often the decision can be taken out of your hands anyway as plenty of women don't become pregnant when they plan to and just as many do when they don't!!!

Alison - posted on 09/13/2010

2,753

20

471

I totally get that you have this question on your mind right now, but you really don't need to make any kind of decision until you are choosing your post partum birth control (please do use birth control!).

I had my girls 2 years apart and have questioned the gap since the day I found out I was pg. There are definite advantages, but the stress of the first few years is really crazy! So, I am thinking more and more that 3 years is the smart way to go. First off, it takes 3 years for your body to totally recover from pregnancy and childbirth. Secondly, a 3-year-old is WAY more autonomous than a 2-year-old. Also, it gives you 3 years to focus on your first, and you will probably have much more attention to give to your second if your first is a bit older and a little less needy.

That said... you don't know what kind of baby you will have, his temperament, health issues, etc. and you really don't know how you and your hubby are gonna handle parenthood. My husband and I both love kids, but we both manage stress REALLY poorly.

Ultimately, there is no perfect solution and you will love all of your little ones no matter when they come along!

[deleted account]

My personal opinion is that 3 years is a good spacing, but you have to do whatever is right for your family. I didn't have a choice on the spacing of my first 2 (twins). Because there were 2 of them already I wanted a 4-5 year age difference between them and the next one. God had other plans and there is a 6.25 year age difference between my girls and my son. It is working well for us. I will add that my pregnancy w/ my son was almost as difficult (though much fewer complications) as my pregnancy w/ his sisters. I was 31 w/ him and 25 w/ them....

Janessa - posted on 09/13/2010

444

38

28

I think it all depends on the person. Why would you want your kids close in age? you guys are in therapy make sure your marriage is going well before you bring more kids into the world. Most perople think 2 years apart is perfect. My siblings are 9 months apart it was not a good idea at all. They faught all the time they had to share everything. I myself will wait for 4 or 5 years before my next one.I want to gave my son everything and more. I want to save money allot of money for his education without having to split it and sharing time together and spoiling him. We have children to gave them our time without having to share us all the time. I came from a big family i hate it so much. I wished my parents gave more attention and i hate sharing everything with my siblings period.

Mary - posted on 09/13/2010

22

7

0

Babies are a LOT of WORK. Make sure your husband gets lots of hands on time and puts some effort into your new baby especially if he wants to have them quickly. I would wait at least a year, maybe two years. You need time to enjoy your baby and also time to be a couple and strengthen your relationship as two, as well as being a new family.

Amber - posted on 09/13/2010

5

0

0

First off, I just want to say that I am genuinely sorry to hear of the losses you and your husband have suffered. I know words won't ever ease or lessen your grief, but my heart goes out to you nonetheless.
I don't see anything wrong with having kids close together (my sister and I are a little over 10 months apart). I grew up in a large family with us kids all close together in age. By being close in age, we always had someone to play with and were are all still very close to this day seeing each other almost every week. Even though my parents were not well off financially after they had us, due to an accident that disabled my father when we were all little kids, not even school aged yet, we all were happy with our childhood because our parents gave us their time when ever they could and their love always. My kids are a bit further apart because I had twins a year after I graduated high school and I did not have another until after I married a few years later. I would love to have more and would have done so immediately, but medical reasons made this difficult. Perhaps I will be a foster parent and adopt. :) You could always throw caution to the wind after you have the baby and let whatever happens, happen. Not necessarily trying, but no protection either. All of my siblings as well as my children were all opps' and it worked out just fine. I am young as well. That does not mean you will be a better or a worse parent because of your age. I had my twins 2 weeks after my 19th and my youngest at 22. You either are responsible and give it your all or you don't.

Adrienne - posted on 09/11/2010

549

24

46

I'm 26 years old and I have had 3 kids in the past 4 years. I can tell you from my experience that it is hard to have kids close in age. I have a 3 yr old, 2 yr old, and a 5 month old right now. My 3 yr old and 2 yr old are born exactly one year apart and share the same birthday and my 2 yr old was born on a leap year! Then my 2 yr old and my 5 month old if I remember right are about 17 months apart. We didn't plan on having our kids so close to together. It has been really hard but it is slowly getting better. But do what ever you are comfortable doing. If you want your kids really close together then do so if not wait a bit. But no matter what age difference you have you may have a few problems. When really close together it's hard and when a few years apart the older one will probably act out with jealous because not all the attention is on them. Thankfully since my older son can only remember always having a little brother having a new baby brother didn't bother him and my 2 yr old is to helpful and loving when it comes to his baby brother. Hope this helps in a way. Good Luck!

Lenisahbb - posted on 09/11/2010

19

6

0

Wait to see how much help he gives you with the first child...If he is supportive and lends a hand, I would say have all the kids you want...But if he doesn't get up in the middle of the nights, won't change diapers or help with feedings, you would be crazy to have another child with him no matter how long in between you wait....

Heather - posted on 09/11/2010

63

31

8

I saw a news story once that having babies too close together is just as hard on your body as having them too far apart. I don't know what the recommendation is but my kids are all about 2 yrs. apart and I dealt with it fine. Trust your body. I had pretty easy pregnancies and recoveries after having my babies. Some people have a hard time during their pregnancy or during the recovery afterwards that affects their decision of when and how many kids to have. Good luck!

Angie - posted on 09/11/2010

2,621

0

407

I think this is a decision that should have been made before you got married. But I think asking mothers who have children close together is wise.

Tracey - posted on 09/11/2010

24

0

0

i have a huge gap between my girls (11years!) and while its great for them so far, bubs is only 2 months, its been hell on my body. i know you didnt want to hear about age but i think younger is better i had my first at 20 and my body handeled it much better. that said we will be trying for our next early next year. we want them about 18 months apart. i have a 18 month gap with my sister and a 7 year gap with my brother and while my sister and i faught i was distant from my brother though my sister was closer to him.
i think small age gaps are normal, its the longer ones you have to worry about, its then that the attitude and personality of a child influences the relationship they have with each other. im lucky my daughter adores our little one and is like a little mother herself

Kate - posted on 09/11/2010

6

21

0

@ Tracy I don't beleive that having children close means that you can't show your children the same love and affection if they are born close together... yes they have to learn to share from a young age, but they also have the added love of a sibling! I have four children very close together.... I know this choice is not for everyone but I find your comments very narrow minded.

Zasriska - posted on 09/11/2010

4

0

0

The vagina is not a clown car. I told a Mormon ex-boyfriend once. We broke up after that.

Tracy - posted on 09/11/2010

737

13

78

Have a sit down with him and your OB. It's not healthy for YOU to have them too close, I think 2 years is what's recommended. Pregnancy is extremely hard on a woman's body and can cause serious health issues if she has too many too fast. Not to mention the ability for you and he to give the kids what they need in terms of love and attention.

JuLeah - posted on 09/11/2010

3,133

38

694

It might be a non issue. Wait and see how tired he is after this baby is born. He might actually opt to wait.

Natasha - posted on 09/11/2010

362

15

33

My husband and I both wanted heaps of kids and as close together as possible too. After we had our son we didn't use any contraception but boy am i glad it took 14 months to fall pregnant! Our son was very high needs and we both found it the toughest year of our lives!! I don't think i would have coped falling pregnant any sooner. I am having heaps of problems with this pregnancy already and am already wondering if it was too soon! And i think we both realised that kids really weren't as easy as we thought. Now we are just going to have a big break after this baby is born and see what we want to do in a few years. I think the best thing to do is see what happens after this baby is born. Your husband may change his mind. Just remember to be open about how you are feeling and don't let anyone pressure you into having kids when you don't feel ready. it will be a recipe for disaster!

Kate - posted on 09/11/2010

6

21

0

YOu have to do what feels right for you, your body and your child/children. I have four who are all very close. we only have 11months gap between our first 2. I have to say that was probably the easiest gap and they have grown up together. I also have another two children, we had 4 in five years... it has been demanding and hard at times...but I love seeing them all growing up together. Go with your gut feeling and you can't be wrong.

Louise - posted on 09/11/2010

5,429

69

2322

Nobody can decide when it is best for you to have your babies. All I can say is you will be washed out for the first 4 months when baby arrives and it is always nice to give that child your time and learn what parenthood is all about. Your body will tell you when it feels right to have another baby. The norm is about 2.2.5 years apart and this is a nice age gap. Don't be pushed into pregnancy decide for yourself as it is you carrying the baby.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms