I cant seem to wake up from this bad dream...

Sheri - posted on 04/22/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




...I work in the mining industry operating heavy duty equipment 12 hours a day, 2 day shifts, then a switch to 2 night shifts followed by 4 days off. The commute is an hour each way, which means my two year old needs to be cared for by someone else for approximately half her childhood. If I had a partner, this may a great situation, sharing equal amounts of our time with her; however, I am a single mom providing solely for my daughter and I. This means I am paying someone else to raise her, and in my case, there are no daycares which operate on a 24hours basis, so she divides her already divided time with daycare and thankfully my 60+parents. The silver lining to this is that she is smart, vivacious, happy, beautiful, compassionate beyond belief! She is the picture of how the world oughtta' be! I bought my first home in Novemeber! It took more than seven years to recover financially from identity theft and fraud that i fell victim to. It is not easy, at all, trust me! But look at me now, a beautiful daughter, our very own home, good job....I think the only thing missing is someone to share my life's joys with. I want to find love, passion, companionship. And this is where I realize that I cant wake up. Is this really happening? Please let this be a bad dream...
We have so much in common. I might be awestruck by this man; its as if our minds are tuned into each others, like he can read my thoughts...its almost phenomenal, in a sixth sense sort of way. This is what it is like to be manipulated. I didn't see it coming. I couldn't tell it was happening. But I do see that I am about to loose everything. I cant do anything else to change the outcome. I've gone on stress leave, I see a councellor, I have a case number with the police and my mortgage, utility bills, and daycare payments are past due. Ive maxed out payday loans and my low limit credit card; and, now my fitness membership has gone to collections. This man moved into my house, took over my vehicle and never contributed-the gas light was on every time he came back with my truck...and I only met this man 3 months ago, practically to the day. I want to wake up! How could I ever let this happen to us, my daughter and I? How did I loose control of my independence and strength and courage? How could I endure his verbal abuse, his accusations that I was unfaithful and dishonest, the yelling! Twice a week it seemed, I would be appologizing for things I didnt do! He had me feeling crazy, and doubting myself, when in actuality, it is he who is crazy. He must be! He was stealing from me, lying to me, and god know what else! I couldnt see it for the life of me! I felt it, I think, but I had been blinded by manipulation. It is no laughing matter, and it is his sickness.
I have been so afraid. I have no place to turn to for help. Ive gone to banks, family, my mortgage broker! asking for salvation. I cant even get a loan for $5000 to cover these past due payments, and there is nothing left to do. Im pawning off my tv, dvd player, and printer today. Ive got my vehicle for sale. But none of this will save my daughter and I. It will be too late. Where do sleep when my house is taken? I caused a accident at work(very dangerous job as it is) beacuse I am so stressed, hence the leave from work, and if I go back in the same state of mind or worse, just so I can feed us and try to salvage whats lost, am I taking a chance, risking mine or others lives? Why is this happening? How could I let this happen? This cant be really happening; it all must be a really, bad dream....
I'snt there anything or anyone who helps women in these situations? Do people not care about other people anymore? Can someone just please wake me up???


Guest - posted on 04/22/2014




I do not know where you live, but in the US there are tons of agencies that help women in your situation. First off, DO NOT sell your car unless it is your very, very, very last resort. Having no car is a major barrier to getting and keeping a steady job, even in places where public transportation is available, it is very difficult if you have to coordinate with child care. Second, should you become homeless, a car is a much safer place to sleep than the streets, and shelters fill up very fast in the winter months. Plus, you can usually park a car in gated garages with camera security for less than $50/month.

File for bankruptcy. No one is going to give you a loan to pay past due bills because they know if you couldn't pay the original bills, and you do not have a stable income, you will not be able to pay the loan back. A financial consultant at your bank can walk you through most of the process for free. In some places, you may need a lawyer, but s/he will be paid from the settlement.

Go to a women's shelter or a homeless shelter for assistance. Most shelters have programs in place to help people who are in danger of losing their homes keep there home--homelessness prevention programs. They vary by shelter, so seek out as many as you can find. YMCA, YWCA, Safe Haven, Miracle Hill, etc. A lot of churches also offer programs for assistance. One program will not do it all for you, but between all of them, you should be able to scrap together enough to keep your life together. You have to visit them, you can't just look online because they are not well advertised. Also, go to your local Dept. of Social Services. They can help you sign up for government assistance with medical bills, utilities, food, and other needs.

Lastly, if you can no longer do your job, you need to find another job. You have a child and you cannot just not work. If you can do it, you need to go to work. I know you don't feel like it, and it might feel like you are working for nothing, but you have to have an income.

I cannot answer your questions about why this is happening, or how you let it happen. Only you can answer that, and you really should try to answer it. Look at the mistakes you made, analyse them, and figure out how not to make them in the future. It sounds like you may have trusted this guy and given him information he could use to hurt you. I have learned that you cannot trust another person. I never tell other people where I keep my bank accounts or give them access to them. I never allow anyone to see my bills or statements. I seldom allow people into my home unless I've known them for a few years or so, and then I make sure personal areas are closed off, and I am armed. I never tell any of my friends anything that they could use to hurt me or to make me look bad to others--it seems silly, but that kind of thing can hurt you if you ever need to network to get a job. That means I NEVER show my weaknesses, if someone does something to hurt my feelings, I don't tell anyone, because whoever I tell, will now know how to hurt me. If I need to "vent" I go online anonymously to some forum like this. A lot of women end up in situations very similar to yours because they trusted someone, and that someone hurt them. People are like that--it's human nature--we will do what we have to do to get ahead, even if it means hurting someone else.

There is no reason to beat yourself up over them--we all make mistakes, and we all pay for them--because they are in the past, you can't change the past, but you can control the future.

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