I don't know the man I'm married to any more, and I'm afraid of what it means for our future

Jessica - posted on 11/16/2009 ( 328 moms have responded )

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I married a youth minister, who worked hard and loved his mama. 10 years later, I have to drag him to church, he can't keep a job, he's so angry with life. All of our arguments end with him yelling that he doesn't give a damn and stomping away. We have 4 kids 1-8, he's a good Daddy, but he doesn't love me anymore. Is it realistic to stay married for the kids?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Isabel - posted on 11/16/2009

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Choose your battles wisely. I'm no happy camper all the time and neither is my hubby. You can't force happiness. If there is one thing I've learned in the past ten years with this man, is you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. What I'm trying to say is...don't force it. Let it come back naturally. Don't drag him to church, you and the kids go on your own. Argue tactfully. Stop and think what maybe bothering him that day. And if the job loses are due to the economy, then there's not much you can do but pray! and be supportive! try to deduct as much negativity as you can; when you speak to him, when you look at him, and try to envoke the love you have for him. When you say "he doesn't love me any more" is that the truth? Has he verbally told you that he doesn't love you and moved to a different room in the house? If not, then do as Jesus did and walk alone and hope that he will follow. If you have a church you go to on a regular basis, talk to your Pastor, Priest, Rabi, etc. see how they may be able to help or if they can point you in the direction of someone who can. Sometimes it takes an outsiders perspective/help. Maybe it's your turn to be the strong one and minister him. Something happened inside~he's like a lost lamb. Lead him home. But don't force him! Remeber how things started with you two in the first place. How you got through things. Ten years is a long time. I'm getting to know my husband all over again, he's home 2/3 days out of the week because there's no work, he just started online courses, he's always tired, has no time for anything let alone time for me. But I have to take a step back and acknowledge what he's doing and who he's doing it for. and believe me, he's NOT PERFECT! He's had his moments. But I've been strong, I've kept the FAITH, and stood behind him and NOT let him fall. I try to be there for him, as our vows before God says; For better for worse, For richer for poorer, In sickness and in health, To love and to cherish, Till DEATH do us part. Give it to God. "Ask and you shall receive"~God/Jesus Christ Himself. Amen. Give it to Him and let Him take care of you and your family. You all will be in my prayers. Till I hear God has helped you. Take care. God bless. Keep the Faith! Isabel.

Nicole - posted on 11/16/2009

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I disagree with everyone who said you should get a divorce. You should stay together because it is what God would want. If you married someone you made a vow. Divorce doesn't make things better. I don't know any kids of divorce who think it was a great decision. Go to counseling, go to the church. Go anywhere and do anything you can to save your marriage. Don't give your kids the illusion that marriage is all fun and no work. Those who think marriage is all happiness have it all wrong and should never get married. Teach your kids that you have to work for and fight for what is important. It is more of a lie to them that it is better to get out and look for greener grass somewhere else. But don't do it just for the kids!! Do it for you and your husband!!!

Crystal - posted on 11/16/2009

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Pray, Pray, Pray! Read 1 Peter 3: In the same way, you wives should accept authority of your husbands. Then, if some husbands have not obeyed God's teaching, they will be persuaded to believe. You will not need to say a word to them. They will be persuaded by the way their wives live. My Pastor told me I can only do my part, focus on your relationship with God and behaving as God wants you to, even though it can be sooooo hard. Speak with people who can guide you in this if you need help. I bet he still loves you, something happened and he is angry at everyone and everything. Pray for him. I wish you the best. Stay strong.

D. L. - posted on 11/21/2009

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Dear Jessica:

Some literature that may assist you in understanding your current marriage situation:

Looking forward through lifespan development by Candice Peterson;

The Changing family life cycle: a framework for family therapy, edited by Betty Carter; and

The making and breaking of affectional bonds by John Bowlby are a three really good resources for you to peruse.

DO REMEMBER THIS: None of the suggestions made on this site are to be considered as replacement for any professional assistance you can/perhaps should consider from a Social Worker, Counselor or other mental health professional.

Finally, remember, no one can make the decision to your question, except you. That choice should only be made after you have explored all the options and potentials for why you believe your marriage to your husband of ten years cannot be salvaged.

Divorce certainly is not the 'easy out' that media plays it up to be. Being a single parent is a long, tedious and very difficult road to travel...for both single parents and the children.

Like all things in life, it takes a lot of work. Marriage is bringing two different personalities together to draw on decisions that may not always be a consensus, but instead, an agreement to disagree with one another.

Having children and how to raise them is only one aspect of your marriage that those circumstances may be in disagreement. Loss of work and losing ‘masculinity’ or ‘patriarchal’ role is de-humanizing for many men. The white-man, western-society tells us every day in the media that ‘they are the strong ones’ and ‘women need to be cared for and protected’ instead of walking side-by-side as the “TEAM” you agreed to be when you spoke you marriage vows.

Ask the hard questions to your husband, but only if you are ready to hear the difficult answers. You will know by getting counseling what those issues are and the questions you must ask.

Not only should you consider counsel for yourself, but ask your husband if he will attend with you. If he declines, go for yourself. You may also want to consider counsel for the children, both separately and with them as a family unit.

By all means, show the children how hard it is to keep a relationship together, be honest in speaking with them [at their age/maturity level] and do not be afraid for them to see you cry in sincere sadness for your situation. This will help them build strong coping skills for their future [as well as yours and hubby’s].

All the best, in God’s name, I prayerfully request that you and your family be uplifted before the eyes of Jesus Christ and that HIS will be done for the best interest of you, your husband and your children. AMEN.



I had asked Diana [who had responded to your question] these questions:



Dear Diana:



Perhaps you can advise what it was you learned from your two divorces that brought you and your children to happiness without either of your husbands, so Jessica has a better understanding of the steps to go through from marriage to divorce to long-range, single parent-hood of four young children and how difficult that task is until the last child reaches adulthood.

How did you find employment that brings in a living wage? Many courts do not allow a parent to take the children a distance away from the other parent to eliminate the chances of regular visitation. What were your circumstances that allowed you to move to a foreign country'?

Who cares for your children while you work? Who pays for child care? When do their father(s) see the children and how are those travel arrangements made?

How are the children doing without seeing their father(s) on a regular basis?

How and when do you get time for socialization? Are you a church-going person that interacts and takes your children to church or what encouragement are you and your children getting from your community?

How do you overcome the stress and strains of being 'mom' and 'dad' on a daily basis? How do the children act/react to that? Are you able to meet their regular needs that their father should be providing or do they have a 'father-figure' to look up to and depend upon?

Jessica stated: "he is a good a good Daddy, but he doesn't love me anymore", but she does not tell us why she believes that. Perhaps her husband did tell her that.

Sometimes/some days, I not only don't love people [actions/words], around me but I do not like them on some days. Likewise, some days, I am not a very 'likeable' or 'loveable' person. We are humans and we all have our short-comings. WE are all flawed in God's eyes, but HE loves us just the same, as HE created us to be unique individuals!



You can see by those questions that I believe there are difficulties that arise from the suggestions made by Diana. Although everyone has an opinion and is trying to be as helpful as they can be, life is not easy. The decision you make can have adverse affects on many people in your lives: your's, your husband's, your four children and all the other family and friends that you know and love.



Right about now, you are also probably doubting a God that you have known. We have temptations that come to us at all levels of our days. Try to remain strong in your faith and seek out assistance from some of the God-fearing women you know...other pastor's wives, etc. You will find much solace in being in and remaining in a Godly life-style. When your husband has worked through his challenges, you can all then resume your Godly life, together.



That does not mean everything will be the "same" as it was. Everyday you awake, a new change is made within you.

You will evolve stronger and if you have remained faithful to your Savior, your husband will recognize that strength and follow along with you.

Peace be with you, Jessica, dear sister in Christ.

Kindest regards,

Denise L. Clair.

Donna - posted on 11/17/2009

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you ABSOLUTELY should go to counseling before you you even think of leaving , the divorce will hurt your children more than you know and they will end up in counseling too . It is best to try couples counseling first and also go to family counseling . try your best to work things out before you jump the gun and leave , you have no idea what is going on in his head and from the sounds of it he has no idea what you are thinking either . That is what is wrong with society they are so quick to just give up , try to fix it before you decide it is over .

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Ani - posted on 11/21/2009

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Hi Jessica

My advice to you is... behind every anger is hurt! Obviously this man is hurting pretty badly and unless you get to the core of the hurt he will never change and neither will your marriage. I have always believed that if mum is happy then the household is happy. At times it will be hard to be the example to your husband and children but if you love him then you need to work hard and make sacrifices. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you want to go through your hurt alone without any support or unconditional love? A wise man once told me (who was married for over 30yrs) that...a good and long marriage is when one of you is still in love enough to carry the other through until you both are in love again. I do not condone abusive relationships however, so that is a whole different story if that is the case. But if not, then if you love him and you want to be happy and you want your children to be happy then make the sacrifices necessary. Counselling is great! Prayer is even stronger! But find within yourself to see what will make YOU happy then make it happen. Your children will only ever be truely happy when you are truely happy. The man is the head and the woman is the neck to every relationship. Turn your relationship into what YOU want it to be.

Take care and God bless

Rebecca - posted on 11/21/2009

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It is important to try to stay together for the kids, but if you try counseling and anything else you can think of, it's time to move on. The kids will be happier with happy parents. My spouse and I have been on the edge of divorce for 6 years now and I don't see how it's making a better environment for our kids. If anything, I think they're losing respect for me. I can see it in their behavior towards me. Do what you can, pray a lot, and ask others to pray for you when you can't. You'll find the answer.

[deleted account]

I hope you don't mind me sharing my opinion with you. Well, it's an experience. My husband and I went through a very rough patch after about 10-15 years of marriage. It must gradually got worse because we both refused to deal with it. I am assuming you believe in Christ beause you married a youth minister. (Remember you married the man not the Ministry). But I just didn't want to listen to my husband and I didnt' want to talk to him about how we were hurting one another. We went through a time where he lost his company and we were surviving on just what I made. It was hard on me to know that if I didn't get out of bed and go to work we wouldn't eat. I didn't realize how hard it was for him at that time. I resented him for it, and he knew it before I did. Finally a friend recommended a book, "The Power Of A Praying Wife" - I read the first chapter and put it down because it was me....she was angry at her husband and the first thing she had to do in the book was pray for her husband's wife....oops that stepped on my toes. I began praying to God to let me see my husband through His eyes and not my own....my eyes were filled with hurt and anger and I really wanted to see him through Christ's eyes...after I began praying that and praying for my "husband's wife" I picked the book back up and began reading it and doing it. We eventually went to counseling, but it did take a while. We finally came to the conclusion that we could do one of three things....1, give up and get a divorce, 2. live like this the rest of our lives and never expect anything more or 3. Give this relationship back to God and do everything in our power to find one another again. We have been married 27 years in March and I love him more and enjoy our time together more today than the day we married. God is bigger than your marriage problems and I am praying for you and for your husband. please email me if you want me to pray more specifically. My heart goes out to you. Pam

Nancy - posted on 11/21/2009

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Back again just wanted to tell you to get some of Joyce Myers Books, cd's on the suject of marriage adn struggles, but again try to get help for your family then if all else fails separate and build a life where you and the kids will be happy.

Nancy - posted on 11/21/2009

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I was in a marraige that my husband didn't love me anymore and couldn't let go of his past and his ex wife. He had depression and refused to work but made me work 2 jobs. It sounds like your husband may have a bit of depression, but I know you want your marriage to work but he must fix any problems he have that is bothering him and if he doesn't want to work on the marriage and stay in it for the family then it would be better to part. I know it would be hard for you and the kids , but wouldn't it be worse to stay together and the kids see and hear the tension between you . My kids lived with that when they was small and they remember and now wished I would have left earlier unstead of staying in it for many years. Just remember you can not help him if he does not want to help himself. And you have to have your life go on and up beat for the kids . I wish you best and if you would like to talk more I am here and will be praying for your situation. I hate to see any marriage fall apart but if the is no love and communication in a marriaige then you really do not have one. Prayers and God is with you.

Christine - posted on 11/21/2009

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don't leave, but be open with your children about the fact that sometimes mommies and daddies have arguements----but that they still love each other. if you argue in front of them, make sure to apologize to each other in front of them. let them see the process of how a couple can fight and then make up. (i know, ideally we wouldn't be fighting in front of our kids, but it happens.) my husband and i have been married 22 years this december. we had 2 kids each (4) when we started out---then we have had 7 more together. there have been some really rough times when leaving crossed my mind. but there have been some really good times, too.

he sounds like he needs some help--either medication or counseling or both. you could also go for counseling yourself.



there is a really good book called "how to hug a porcupine" that talks about living and dealing with difficult people-----and it says that rarely is there a need to leave. please keep praying for him and for yourself and your children. marriage is too important of a commitment to let go of.

i was a child of divorced parents-------and i still carry a child's silly wish that my parent's could get back together----and i am 47 years old.

P - posted on 11/21/2009

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Stay. Pray like there is nothing else in the world that will help. If you love your husband, show him by trying to help him. This is obviously not the whole story, but being a Christian you know that you are his helper and God destests divorce. Divorce is not in the best interest of the children. Mommy and Daddy making it work and getting better together is in the best interest of them. And the both of you. Find a counselor. Sometimes an outside opinion is helpful. Sometimes you have to go through a few counselors to actually get a good one. Which is what we had to do. I know this isn't easy. We have almost called it quits a few times. The first time we went to church together was the weekend after our counselor told me I had to figure out if I wanted to leave or not, and the sermon was on marriage and how God calls you to be holy and not happy. If you are holy and relying on God he will bring you joy no matter what, so also make sure your relationship is right with him.



*You also might want to be careful what you ask over the internet and decide if you want to read all of the worldviews versus a christian view. If you here wrong things enough, they start to seem like truth.



Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Elizabeth - posted on 11/21/2009

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You don't necessarily need to divorce. A trial seperation can be just what you both need. Abscence can deffinately make the heart grow fonder. You may think he doesn't love you but once you and the children are not there in his everyday life it may be the kick up the bottom he needs.

My husband and I regularly have time away from one another for weekends and sometimes for a week in the schoolholidays. My husband is not a Christian so I know what it's like to drag your hubby to church. We've been married for 14 years and I was only 19 when we married. We've had our ups and downs and fair share of arguments but my faith has kept us strong.

If you do seperate then make sure you meet up regularly on your own as well as with the children then that way he can see what he's missing out on.

Keep prayin hon. The fact that we're replying means God is working for you. Hope this helps.



God bless x

Liz - posted on 11/21/2009

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I will strongly disagree with anyone who says they need to get divorced because they are not happy. When you married you made a commitment to your spouse. When you brought children into the world you made a commitment to raise them together. Read up on the statistics that go along with children of divorced parents. They are unhappy, they are more likely to throw in the towel and get divorced themselves later if they even trust themselves to form relations. So the idea that divorcing because the kids hear you fight can easily be countered with what will happen to those children if you do divorce. Neither is a good situation so what can you do? You've stated he is a great dad. Unless there is physical violence or cheating going then it's time to start finding a way to work it out between yourselves. I'm not happy just seems like a very immature reason to get divorced. If the kids are hearing you fight then stop. Do you fight in public places in front of everyone? Probably not! So there is an element of control on when the fights start.Give your kids the same respect you do strangers in the check out line. Marriage if full of ups and downs and it's actually those down times and surviving those together that make the marriage stronger. You'll look back and see how your came through one incident or another together and it will give you strength next time something bad comes up. It does get easier and easier to work as a team. Some couple counseling will go a long way for these issues you are both facing. It would be a chance for you to get out your feelings and for him to respond without stomping away. If he's a great dad, I don't think he wants to be separated from his kids for days each week. So maybe that will motivate him into counseling where he can really talk it out. Good luck.

Christina - posted on 11/21/2009

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my exhubby and i seperated for a year and got back together. i wanted to try to work it out for the kids. unfortuatly 3 years later we seperated again. i got to the point where i was tired of supporting the kids and a grown man. i told him i could be miserable on my own i didnt need his help. i left and now have the most wonderful person in my life that makes me and my kids happy. sometimes you have to let go and do whats best for you and your kids. if staying is gonna do that then stay if its not gonna make you happy then you need to find what will. there is no point in you and the kids suffering because he is angry all the time because hes not happy with himself

User - posted on 11/21/2009

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Staying married for the kids will do more harm than good. They will see that mommy and daddy are not in love and fight alot, and think that is a normal marriage. I dont condone divorce, and the bible only makes the exception in the case of adultery. I recommend marriage counselling, if he is willing, and if you still want your marriage to work. That would be my first step. If that failed, than take your kids, and make a happier life for you and them. Hope this helps a little. I have been there, so if you want to talk, message me.

Heather - posted on 11/21/2009

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1 Peter 3:1. Not easy words to live by, but can be successful when given full effort and prayer.

Jill - posted on 11/21/2009

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If u still love him, and want to make it work, i think u should tell him how u feel and see how u can work it out. If he isnt willing to, then i think u know whats best for the family. Ask him how hes feeling and what u can do to make things better. You might just find out that it doesnt have anything to do with u at all, mabe he has some personal insecurities or something going on in his head that he needs to work out. The only way to solve this is communication between the two of u. sometimes a councilor can get more our of the situation and give u recommendations on what to do. The question is, Are u still in love to him. let him know how u feel about him!

Kimberley - posted on 11/21/2009

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hi huni i know how you feel i feel like that most of the time i feel like he is only with me for r kids

Dana - posted on 11/21/2009

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I almost don't want to respond to such a delicate situation but do you really want to stay with someone who doesn't love you for the rest of your life. If he doesn't love you the kids will feel it to. Life is to short to live so unhappily. I am against divorce but not at the cost of the rest of you life living in misery.Everyone deserves to be happy. It isn't selfish wanting to be happy. Your kids need a happy family too.

User - posted on 11/21/2009

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Oh yeah. I have heard this book is amazing. The Power of a Praying Wife By Stormie Omartian. I am getting ready to start reading it.

User - posted on 11/21/2009

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It's possible God is putting you through this to strengthin your relationship and bring him back to being the Godly man you married. Go to counseling and pray for him. It cannot be easy being treating that way by the man you fell in love with.It sounds like he is dissappointed and angry with himself and is taking it out on you. God intended marrage to be forever. He did not say it would be easy. If you genuinely love him stick by his side. (unless you are in danger). Give it to God he can fix anything.

Itasha - posted on 11/21/2009

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Stop thinking this way as the kids pick up on all the tension going on between their parents.

D. L. - posted on 11/21/2009

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Quoting Diana:

Lots of great advice but........Jessica wrote he does not love her anymore......she needs to move on....


 



"Leave and start a new life with your kids. I am twice divorced with 3 wonderful boys and living in a foreign country with a good job. It can be done. If he is a good Dad let him continue to be one. GOOD LUCK!!!"



 



Dear Diana:



Perhaps you can advise what it was you learned from your two divorces that brought you and your children to happiness without either of your husbands, so Jessica has a better understanding of the steps to go through from marriage to divorce to long-range, single parent-hood of four young children and how difficult that task is until the last child reaches adulthood.



How did you find employment that brings in a living wage? Many courts do not allow a parent to take the children a distance away from the other parent to eliminate the chances of regular visitation. What were your circumstances that allowed you to move to a foreign country'?



Who cares for your children while you work? Who pays for child care? When do their father(s) see the children and how are those travel arrangements made?



How are the children doing without seeing their father(s) on a regular basis?



How and when do you get time for socialization? Are you a church-going person that interacts and takes your children to church or what encouragement are you and your children getting from your community?



How do you overcome the stress and strains of being 'mom' and 'dad' on a daily basis? How do the children act/react to that? Are you able to meet their regular needs that their father should be providing or do they have a 'father-figure' to look up to and depend upon?



Jessica stated: "he is a good a good Daddy, but he doesn't love me anymore", but she does not tell us why she believes that. Perhaps her husband did tell her that.



Sometimes/some days, I not only don't love people [actions/words], around me  but I do not like them on some days. Likewise, some days, I am not a very 'likeable'  or 'loveable' person. We are humans and we all have our short-comings. WE are all flawed in God's eyes, but HE loves us just the same, as HE created us to be unique individuals!



Dear Jessica:



Some literature that may assist you in understanding your current marriage situation:



Looking forward through lifespan development by Candice Peterson;



The Changing family life cycle: a framework for family therapy, edited by Betty Carter; and



The making and breaking of affectional bonds by John Bowlby are a   three really good resources for you to peruse.



DO REMEMBER THIS: None of the suggestions made on this site are to be considered as replacement for any professional assistance you can/perhaps should consider from a Social Worker, Counselor or other mental health professional.



Finally, remember, no one can make the decision to your question, except you. That choice should only be made after you have explored all the options and potentials for why you believe your marriage to your husband of ten years cannot be salvaged.



Divorce certainly is not the 'easy out' that media plays it up to be. Being a single parent is a long, tedious and very difficult road to travel...for both single parents and the children.



Like all things in life, it takes a lot of work. Marriage is bringing two different personalities together to draw on decisions that may not always be a consensus, but instead, an agreement to disagree with one another.



Having children and how to raise them is only one aspect of your marriage that those circumstances may be in disagreement. Loss of work and losing ‘masculinity’ or ‘patriarchal’ role is de-humanizing for many men. The white-man, western-society tells us every day in the media that ‘they are the strong ones’ and ‘women need to be cared for and protected’ instead of walking side-by-side as the “TEAM” you agreed to be when you spoke you marriage vows.



Ask the hard questions to your husband, but only if you are ready to hear the difficult answers. You will know by getting counseling what those issues are and the questions you must ask.



Not only should you consider counsel for yourself, but ask your husband if he will attend with you. If he declines, go for yourself. You may also want to consider counsel for the children, both separately and with them as a family unit.



By all means, show the children how hard it is to keep a relationship together, be honest in speaking with them [at their age/maturity level] and do not be afraid for them to see you cry in sincere sadness for your situation. This will help them build strong coping skills for their future [as well as yours and hubby’s].



All the best, in God’s name, I prayerfully request that you and your family be uplifted before the eyes of Jesus Christ and that HIS will be done for the best interest of you, your husband and your children. AMEN.



Kindest regards,



Denise L. Clair.



 

Wendy - posted on 11/21/2009

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Hi Jessica,



I am sorry to hear of your unhappy situation. Sounds like your husband is in need of a break, is there anyway possible you and your hubby could go away even just for a short weekend without the kids, for the 2 of you to re-connect? Is he suffering from burnout? Being a youth minister can tire a person out after some time, because of all the giving. Staying together for the kids doesn't hold much water, the kids will have tired, tense and miserable parents and they will think this is how to carry themselves when they are one day married. You have to do what is right for you and your family, things must be quite bad for you to be asking this question. Are you also involved in the ministry? Love and hugs Wendy

[deleted account]

Been there done that....however just like all things that have worth it in life marriage takes work. Our society makes it so easy to get married...however they dont tell us how much work it takes to make that marriage succesfull. I have been married to my 2nd husband for going on 20 years...With alot if work...and many times thinking he didn't love me even as recent as yesterday morning and he was soo rude and inconsiderate I was again contemplating my own relationship....My ex-husband however is great at giving up and is currently on his 4th wife..(PS did I mention I am only 43 years old) My own mother had many husbands...guess it may be a family thing and I personally know the life of a disfunctional family...If you love your husband it is worth working at your relationship...if your not sure work on yourself first...If it is meant to be it will because if your unhappy with yourself it affects all the relationships in your life...including marriage...and children...Don't give up sometimes you just need to take the time to get to know eachother again and remember who you where before the children, job, and lifes challenges. Communication is the key and trust me it really is worth the effort...good luck and GOD BLESS. I will pray for you...

Casie - posted on 11/20/2009

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Jessica, there are a lot of opinions here that you have been given. And they are just that, different opinions. Only you know what the answer is. Seems to me that if you are asking the question of whether you should stay or not, you know what your answer is. I dont know if you have talked to your husband about what his feelings are. You should have him sit down with you without it being in the middle of a heated argument and ask him straight out what his feelings toward you are. Don't assume that he doesn't love you any more unless he has told you this himself and not during one of your arguments. Sometimes people say things that they don't exactly mean, not to say that it's okay to say those things. It may be stress. I have gone through something very similar to what you are describing. I would give my support for what is going on in his life. If he takes it and shares with you then I think your relationship has hope. I wouldn't give up on him yet. Good luck in what you decide to do. But make the kids your main priority and do what is going to be best for them. I will pray for you!

Jessica - posted on 11/20/2009

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I talked to him about things that have happened to make me feel the way I do. He didn't seem to care or be impacted at first, but over the next few days he seemed to maybe understand at least a little. He agreed to counseling with our Pastor. And then he reached over a touched my elbow when he woke up in the morning. That might sound retarded, but I'm emotionally starved over here, and he hasn't touched me in 2 months. It's amazing how much such a small display can offer hope. Hope of compassion, understanding and dare I hope Love.

Jennifer - posted on 11/20/2009

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There is usually some underlying reason. My husband and I recently rekindled our 15 year marriage. He was slowing becoming distant and hard to talk to. Everything was a fight. He was sleeping in the recliner and saying he couldn't sleep in the bed because his back hurt. It all started 2 years ago when he lost his job. He would be home all day and so nothing. When I would say something the fight would begin. It finally came to the point where we both thought we didn't love each other anymore. Finally someone said to me that he sounds like he is having issues with feeling inadiquit. Men can't stand feeling like they are no longer a manly man. I confronted him very boldly and asked him how he felt about him not being able to support the family like he used to. At first he agrued with me of course. I held my cool and calming asked him to think about how he feels about his job situation. A few days later I asked him again. It wasn't immediate but eventually I was able to get him to break. He addmitted that he felt like a failure. He couldn't stand how he felt about it and thought I wouldn't love or want him anymore. He was right to some degree. I didn't want him anymore because he was so focused on how sorry he was feeling for himself that he forgot I was there. You need to see if you can find the underlying problem. If you can't fix it than unfortunatly you should get out. I completely believe in trying everything possible to fix it first. Divorce is the easy way out. It's always easier to give up and walk away than to take extra energy to work hard fixing something. The kids will learn so much more from parents who learn to work together to fix it. One of the most important things I learned thru my recent experience was to make time for the 2 of you. I asked my Grandma how she was able to have a 60 year marriage and she said to remember to make your relationship first. I was ALWAYS putting the kids first. She told me that in the beginning it was just the 2 of you and in the end it will again be just the 2 of you. Find time for each other. Try a night out and pretend your on a first or second date. Know that you're not alone and I hope this helps.

Rita - posted on 11/20/2009

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Dear Jessica, please do not let the devil take over your life with you and your husband. Set him down and talk about your relationship and just come out and ask him if he still has any love left in his heart for you. If the answer is no then ask God to give you the strength and knowledge to do what is best for you and your children. Keep the Faith and I will say a prayer for you and your family. This is not just something I say I will do, I really will pray for you. Best of luck to you and your family.

Tina - posted on 11/20/2009

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Id like to suggest another book that has helped me soo much in understanding my husband. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I fought and fought with my hubby till I was blue. but it wasnt until I became a student of my husband that I started to see things turn around. I Read every God fearing book that came my way on marriage and men ( wild at heart for example) I prayed that God would give me wisdom, understanding and to open my heart to change in the ways I needed to, in order to love him the way HE NEEDED to be loved. With the grace of God I have been able to put into practice some of the things that I felt God was telling me I needed too! Dont get me wrong it has taken time and ALOT of energy and laying self aside but I know that in the end it will be worth it and God will bless us for it! From reading and trying,I have found that my husband starts to yell and get really mad when he feels misunderstood, feels he IS the problem, and when he feels disrespected. Some of this I learned from the book I first mentioned. It gives practical examples and ways of putting better habits into practice and recognizing and breaking the vicious cycle of fighting. It does not say you will not fight, but with better understanding and tools in your hand, your able to stop them from escalating to the danger point. Most of all look to God with all your heart, He will be your help in this time of trouble!!!

Ansley - posted on 11/20/2009

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Both of you need to sit down and watch "Fireproof" the movie. It was filmed in my hometown by one of our churches. A LOT of people are in or have been in your situation. TRUST ME! You will both learn something from it. God Bless!

Kelly - posted on 11/20/2009

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There is a move called Fireproof. It is a sure save of the marriage. Leave it out for him to watch. Or you too. Do Not watch together.

Betsy - posted on 11/20/2009

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One additional thought Jessica, I don't know anyone who got a divorce and got happy. 2nd marriages have even higher failure rates then first marriages. The grass in not greener - don't believe this lie.

Betsy - posted on 11/20/2009

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Yes. It's not for the kids - its really for you - trust God - I went through this and you can do it. My husband and I went through this at the 7 year mark - we are now 20 years married in a great marriage. Pray for him, don't try to change him - work on respecting him and showing him unconditional love - God will bless you for it. My kids were one big reason I was willing to work through it and I am so glad I did. So is my husband - he knows he almost blew it. Please don't give up on God - ask him to see you through it.

APRIL - posted on 11/20/2009

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life is to short,you only live once.you may as well enjoy it.kids know alot more then you think

Dijana - posted on 11/20/2009

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no, that is def not a good idea. it is better for you to split. The children dont have to watch the fights you and your husband go through. Get independent, take care of your children, never relay on a man for assistance.

Anisunnisa - posted on 11/20/2009

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Dear Jessica,be brave,it is not easy being a single mom,consider a divorce,it is not sensible to stay together for kids,It is high time to take a decision.

Gabie - posted on 11/20/2009

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Hi there - there's an awful lot of people advising divorce, but let me tell you, if he's difficult to live with now, it will be 100 times worse if you separeted. I konw I've been there, my advice - get some advice, get some help, get some time together. Men need a lot of support, but don't know how to ask. Try and find a male you can confide in that would be able to approach him, someone he respects. Unless there's violence or abuse stick at it, sounds a bit old fashioned but its true and worth it!!

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i dont think yall should stay married just for the kids. your kids can sense your not happy n that makes them upset to. i'm sure in the end that they would rather have yall seperate than argueing.

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i dont think yall should stay married just for the kids. your kids can sense your not happy n that makes them upset to. i'm sure in the end that they would rather have yall seperate than argueing.

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i dont think yall should stay married just for the kids. your kids can sense your not happy n that makes them upset to. i'm sure in the end that they would rather have yall seperate than argueing.

Odelia - posted on 11/20/2009

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Hi jess,

Im so sorry for you,it must be a very difficult and upsetting moment for your whole family and i have no doubt tht you have tryed your best to keep your family together and happy!

It is difficult to say whats right and whats wrong when it comes to Family.

I see your family is just as important to you as mine are to me,and keeping them together is our role in motherhood plus the extras that come with raising your family.

He does i feel, loves you very much but maybe just confused and angry at him self with the situation he feels he put his family through,and putting you through.

Maybe moving away and starting fresh may help the situation in the job department and away from people that he may feel are judging him,and may bring you all closer together!!!!

Men need to feel that his doing every thing for his family,

I think his family is important to him,but he feels his let you down!

Im hopeful for your family and wish you all the best,but all i can say is,you know in your heart what you need to do,but are just confused and upset as he is,follow your heart and i promise ,and hope for you that what path you both choice will be the right one for you and your family.

Be brave and and think of yourself and the children,talk to him and let him know your feelings,i know it may be dark and cloudy in your heart,but i ashore yu there is light and the end of the tunnel,i hope its shining bright for all of you.

God bless,

The Madex Family xoxoxoxo

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Jessica, in life we all experience trials and testing but often more so when the devil knows we are a christian, he tries his best to discourage our thinking to ways of the worlds; but perservere ask for prayers from the fellowship of believers, stand firm on God's word ... I know I'm divorced wish was a stronger christianwhen I made decisions way back and possibly things would of went differently if gave more thoughts to choices made in life, concerning some issues, but the big *D* is not God's intention life isn't easy on a pastor or the family there are many circumstances that need attention because of the position one holds in your situation I'd suggest speaking to the pastor and his wife of your congregation for advice and possibly they can be a resource of help to you; as you struggle at this time and weigh all the positive as a husband is a good father you say he is, and a good husband for many yrs. before;you settle on the negitive issues look further and remember Love is based on open communication and all other aspects fall in place with talking things out calmly,could he be going through a decision situation problem concerning a youth with troubles of their own he counseled and feels God doesn't hear his pray requests,etc God hears us all and we have to remain Patient &endure and in his time we see the blessings, if your husband is angry with life then he needs to talk about it and seek answers only found in the word Bible,he needs help and sometimes it's best to say nothing place at Jesus' feet of the cross he knows everything and he will bring your family through this and I hope you will someday say he brought this to pass,and You will again know &sense the genuine love you both had at the beginning and it will return more better and close You will be in my earnest prayers and thouhgts

Marie - posted on 11/20/2009

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its fantastic that you knoe god is with you so many people dont have that.we are a christian family so its lovely to meet you.the chances are your husband is not angry with you but like the kids take it out on thier nearest and nearest.its great that your wanting to keep the chikdren with their dad its so easy to give up ask god for strengh and wisdom and keep up the good work.

Mildred - posted on 11/20/2009

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Perhaps its not that he does not love you, perhaps its that the love fell into the routine of life and he got bored and dissatisfied. If he wanted to leave you, he would've done it by now, I think. Kids dont keep a marriage together, if you or him wanted to leave, it would've happen by now but the both of you still see a light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps something happened to him that you are NOT aware of and he is too embarass to discuss it with you or he does not know how to face it or deal with it so he rather put that horrific wall between you and him.



I would say not to give up on him. You may feel drain and about to throw the towel, I've been there. This is the part that we promied before God, for better or for worse. You are going through the worse and it is learning to find the key to open the next door.



Seek professional help, FOR YOU FIRST! so you can learn how to deal with it then little by little incorporate him into that professional help. You may be surprised.



Good luck! ♥

Jackie - posted on 11/20/2009

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Have you seen the movie Fireproof? I highly recomend it It's also about a couple that are having troubles and are considering divorce. I think for someone to change so much, like your husband, there must be something happening that you haven't seen. People don't just change like that! I think before you even consider leaving him, you should find the reason for this drastic change! And even if you leave him, will that make you stop loving him?

All the best!

Melissa - posted on 11/20/2009

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Sometimes, things come into our lives that we have a hard time processing; we lash out at others without knowing why. I've known people who have struggled with this, even people in ministry. Obviously, he's dealing with something right now, and doesn't know what to do with it....and we all go through rough patches in our marriages; you know--"I love you, but I really don't like you right now!" ;-)



Has he SAID he doesn't love you? You can't assume this, even if he says it--we tend say things in anger or frustration that we really don't mean! You also need to realize: HAPPINESS IS OVER-RATED. We all struggle with "being happy" most of our lives. Happiness is fleeting, but JOY--that lasts for a lifetime. Only God can give us that joy....



Have you tried something like "The Love Dare" book? Obviously, some help is needed here; if he has a close male friend (or fellow minister) that you and he can trust, encourage them to talk. Send them on a "boys night out", or have this friend "kidnap" him for a weekend. For you.........pray, pray, fast, read God's Word........and pray.

Vicky - posted on 11/20/2009

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god is always with us helping in so many ways, he is the one being who will listen to problems and not judge you. dont stay together for the children it will be vary hard but you and the children will be alot happier and safer in the end, also god will be with you always. hope all goes well whatever you decide.

Sharon - posted on 11/20/2009

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I know it is not easy l was a few months pregnant when we split up l had nothing and l moved in to a house with nothing and believe me it is hard but i got a part time job in a shop and worked all the hours i could get whenever the childs father took him evevry other weekend and even though it was hard it was great no rows no being put down 24/7 i wouldnt change it for the world it was all worth it i think it is just taking that first step you should phone around local creches social workers find out what help you would be entilted to, we are not living years ago were the women had no choice but to stay and he has still has to provide for your children l really hope you can get sorted out but dont wait for years

Deborah - posted on 11/20/2009

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Hey it sound slike me! Howq do u get out when he makes all the $ Too scared to leave!

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