I'm going through divorce and I almost feel betrayed by my kids

Malia - posted on 04/04/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )




She is close to 10 yrs. younger and has already been divorced herself. She doesn't have any kids of her own, but my kids just love her.. She is "so cool and so fun." I try and let it roll off my back, but I feel completely alone. My husband was very controlling and I couldn't ever really go out with my friends. It has been so long since I've seen them that I don't feel comfortable calling them out of the blue...part of the conversation would have to be that what I've been up to, is getting a divorce. They can't just be hit with that after not talking for so long. I feel that I have been kicked out of the family....even my own. My family lives too far away to just go visit and since this has started I've had to get a part time job and can't get time off to see them. Holidays alone are horrible! Any suggestions on how to improve my relationship with the kids. I feel isolated from them, but I don't want to push them farther away because I'm hurt.



Hanny - posted on 11/26/2010




Your anger is directed to the wrong person. You need to be angry at your ex and start rebuilding your life as you, not the wife of.

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Rosie - posted on 11/26/2010




Hi, you poor thing, firstly I agree with the other mums, that the new girl is a new toy. Your husband does seem to be a control freak and this has probably happened from day 1 in your relationship without you being aware of it. Your family and real friends would help you and be supportive if you told them how much you are hurting.

As for your children they will always be happy to be around someone that is going to let them do what they want when they want. I actually feel sorry for her, she is possibly young and niave. Your ex has possibly made you out to be the horrible one, and him the victim???? How sad for him. He will get his back eventually, karma does that.

Be strong for you and your children and rember you are always the better person because he is out of your life and gave you your children...good luck

Kristin - posted on 04/06/2010




Just love your kids. If you think you are confused, they are as well and possibly more so. Their father has a shiny new toy and they get to play with her too. Who knows if that relationship is even going to pan out and it doesn't matter. You just need to be there for your kids and show them how much you love them every day. You will have to discipline them and they won't like you for it. But you all know, in your hearts, that it is for their own good and safety. Be open to ALL of their feelings, there will be feelings that make you screaming jealous and others that just break your heart for the pain they are feeling. As long as they know they can tell you anything, you have nothing to worry about. You are MOM.

Holidays are a tough one, you will want to figure out a schedule for them. Maybe alternate or split the day. Your kids will have feelings about and wants for these days too.

Your family and friends watched you become more isolated over the years, so as Tracy said, give them some credit. You don't have to hit them with the "I'm getting a divorce" conversation right off. Just call! You need to start pulling your support network back in to you. The friends who are not so responsive, may not have been that good a friend. Seek out divorce support groups, you need people to talk to now more than ever.

Take care of yourself.

Tracy - posted on 04/06/2010




Give your friends and family some credit and reach out. I bet they saw what was happening and knew there was nothing they could do but back off until you reached out. My ex was much the same way. Alienated me from my family and friends. When I finally tossed him, I sent out an email just to let them know what was up. It was a way to open the door and let them know I needed them and was in a position to accept their presence in my life again. Give them the chance to be there for you, and you may find yourself surprised. You need to build your support around you. Divorce is grueling, especially from a controlling jackass that sees people as possessions.

Why are you spending holidays alone? I know with my custody agreement we swap out holidays. Yes, the ones without the kids are hard, but that's when you gather your friends and family around.

As for the little girl he's dating, she's new and fun for your kids. And they are new and fun for her. Just wait, the new will wear off.

Gwen - posted on 04/06/2010




You are still allowing your husband to control your behavior. Stop being a victim!! If you need the help of your friends and family, REACH OUT TO THEM! Many of those closest to you have probably been praying for this day to come. Please, get yourself reconnected with the people who love and care for you. You need support through this difficult transition.

Don't continue to isolate yourself. If you want your circumstances to improve, you need to step up and reclaim your life. Show your children by your actions that you are a strong woman and your household is a place of love and security.

"Cool" and "Fun" only go so far in this world. Kids need something more enduring.

Sharon - posted on 04/04/2010




Just wait. Its sucks like hell right now but watch. Unless she never tries to discipline them, this will blow up in her face.

Just smile & nod at the kids at their happy stories.

I was in her shoes. The situation was a little different. Hubby and his ex had divorced for 7 years or so before we met for one thing. Apparently that didn't stop his ex from feeling threatened. She wouldn't let their son visit until after my son was born.

The difference was I knew what was coming with my stepson from watching all of step parent friends.

I worked part time so I had a lot of time on my hands. I included my stepson in everything with my own son. I believed in staying busy. So we went to the zoo 5 times a week. I worked late afternoons to early evening and hubby was home at night - so I had all day to play with the kids. But I knew that he would start to push to see how far he could get.

Anyway... she did everything wrong. Unless she's an over indulgent crack head, really this will blow up in her face. Not to mention... your ex will begin to assert his authority over the kids soon too. Maybe he already has when he was with you, but he's still wooing this little girl he is dating..

FYI = keep track of dates and proof of his relationship with this girlfriend. It might come in handy during the divorce.

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